Do you like my story????? PLEASE READ!! Very easy ten points!!!!!?

Question

Okay so about 2 months ago i asked a question here about my fake lives. You can find it in my questions. Anyways a lot of my responses were you have a great imagination, you should write stories. So i decided to. I gave my first draft to my language arts teacher and said that i needed more details so i did. I also changed major parts of my story. Also i am only 13 so i am not planning on being a professional writer or anything. This is just a way to clear my head. But please read it. It is about 15 minutes. But i tried to make it as interesting as i could and the whole grocery list was supposed to mae irony. Like you were supposed to think that my mom died then. But please read. Also give me constructive criticism, don't be mean and if you didn't like find a polite way to say that. Okay thanks for your help.http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1465898

Answer 1

I got put off in the first few sentences. These are the most important sentences-it's easy for someone to spot something in them and assume the rest of your writing will be the same.

For example, you put 'in the good old days'.

You obviously haven't heard one of the golden rules: avoid clichés like the plague.

Answer 2

Okay, I just read about half of your story.

My critique - and I am trying to be gentle about it:

1.  It is too choppy.  Your sentences do not flow.  You start and stop at strange places.  A sentence should be one complete thought.  Try varying the lengths of your sentences for a more interesting read.

2.  Some parts do not make sense.  Why would we think your mother died during a shopping trip?  There is nothing in there that indicates she may have died.

Also, if they left at 6:26 and returned at 6:52, that means they've only been gone for 26 minutes.  Given that it takes time to get there and come back in addition to actually shop, how did they do that so fast?

3.  Paragraphs and white space.  Make use of white space to give your readers a chance to rest their eyes.  Paragraphs are there to contain trains of thought.  Each paragraph should have one idea or a complete thought.  When you change perspectives or start talking about another subject, you must start another paragraph. AND use white space between paragraphs.

Each speaker in a dialogue should have their own paragraph, even if it is only one word.  This is to avoid confusion.

In your question, you state that you are only 13 years old but in the Additional Details, you write "by the way everything until i turned 13 or 14 or something like that was real".  That is confusing.

I must say that your spelling is quite good although you have a few typos here and there, but that can be easily fixed.

If you're interested in writing, I encourage you to keep practicing.  The more you write, the better you will get.

Good luck and have fun.



PS - I agree with Corelila about it being an information dump.  What that means is that it is not really a story.  Instead, all you're doing is listing a line of events.

A story needs a great plot, character development, a conflict and a resolution.

Answer 3

i really like it. tis nice and something like what im writting. ur story really grabbed out, like its happening and that is what we would do if we were in the same situation but i think that u could caom up with a good grabber in the begining and then add some paragraphs. otherwise it si sooooooooooooooooooo awsome. plz vote me for the best answer i relaly need the point. rock on!

Answer 4

I'll be nice, but I'll give you honesty, too.

It wasnt that great. The words didnt flow as they were supposed to, and the entire thing was just an information dump. Your voice seemed choppy and the whole thing just came off weird.

It's great that writing is a hobby, and like you said, you're only 13. Just keep practicing, writing is like a muscle you have to excersize. The more you do, the better you get.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I think this is very impressive for a 13 year old, the only problem is that the shopping list thing isn't ironic, I don't see how it is meant to be. Other than that it was quite an interesting read, but I think there was too much information in such a short story. Well done and good luck with any further writing.