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Do you like my writing?

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This is the stuff that comes after the prolouge I posted earlier. Sorry I ended kind of abruptly, but I'll post more updates if you want me too.

Zakeria, a young adult cheetah with a white pelt, crouched against the sun bleached boulders by the river. She was on her first hunting trip, and was trying to conceal herself from a wildebeest calf drinking water and munching grass at the riverbank.

She had found the best hiding spot, considering her unusual white fur. There was a tree growing by the boulders, which cast a speckled black shadow across the white rock. She blended in like a speck of dust on tree bark, barely noticeable. She was quite proud of herself, but knew she wasn’t done yet. She still had to walk home with the prize. In her group, under her leader, Azeri, it didn’t matter how good you did if you didn’t win.

Zakeria waited for the wildebeest to come closer to her hiding place, just like Azeri had taught her. She waited with unwavering patience as the prey moved, ever so slowly, closer and closer. Her trained eyes predicted every move before it even happened by reading the muscles in the beast. It got so close she could hear its teeth tearing up grass. It got even closer, and she could hear its breathing. That was the key. It was time.

She burst out of her hiding place with a stealthy leap, landing perfectly on the back of her prey. The calf threw its head up in the air bawled for its mother. Zakeria knew she had to finish it off quickly or face a furious mom. With horns. The calf started bucking, trying to dislodge Zakeria. She dug her claws deeper in the animal’s pelt. She felt blood well up beneath her paws. It was a challenge just to stay on top of the thing.

Zakeria was able to glance up in the midst of the action, and realized that she was attracting more attention than she needed to. She edged up towards the calf’s throat ever so slowly, careful not to lose her balance. She got close enough that she could feel the blood pulsating under the calf’s skin. She decided to chance it and lunge. All at once, she pulled her claws out of the prey’s skin and threw herself toward the throat.

As soon as Zakeria was off of the calf’s back, it started galloping. Not fast enough to get away from her, but pretty close. She landed, still on the calf’s back, but now, only her front claws were dug into the calf’s back. As it galloped, she slid further and further off, leaving deep gouges in its skin.

The calf realized that she was almost off. It started bucking again. Its back hooves landed painful blows on her stomach again and again. But Zakeria was determined. She blocked out the pain as best she could, and started clawing her way back up to the calf’s neck.

Despite Zakeria’s determination, each of the calf’s hooves seemed to hit harder than the last. She started sliding off again. She tried clawing back up, but had already torn almost all of the calf’s skin that was within her reach off. She dug her claws in harder. She wasn’t going to lose this prey. But its blood made her paws slippery, and its hooves felt like they were starting to break her ribs. With one last burst of strength, she heaved herself toward its throat.

Zakeria felt a gleam of hope as she saw that she was actually getting closer to its neck every moment. It felt like time stood still as the sound of the calf’s neck pulsing got louder and louder.

But then, the calf wasn’t under her anymore. It seemed to have just disappeared. Too late, she noticed that the calf had turned. And too late, did she notice that she was plummeting into the river.

The hope that Zakeria had felt disappeared, only to be replaced very quickly by a feeling of shame. She plunged into the shallow water with a loud splash, showering droplets everywhere. She hit the bottom hard, and pain shot up her spine. She winced and, when the shower stopped, she looked around. She scowled when she saw the calf trot over to its mom, seeming pretty proud of itself. Its mother immediately started l*****g the calf’s wounds, concerned with nothing else.

Zakeria grunted, disgusted with herself. She had everything right. The hiding place, the crouch, waiting for the right moment, keeping completely silent, and the spring. But when it came right down to it, she just couldn’t kill the thing fast enough. She imagined what Azeri, her mentor and leader, would say. She’d probably be disgusted, too.

To calm herself down, Zakeria started splashing around in the shallow water. She loved the water. She could swim better than any other cheetah in her whole group. In fact, she was just about the only cheetah that wasn’t afraid of the water. That was the only thing she took pride in.

But, after a while Zakeria decided that they were probably wondering where she was at home. She was ashamed to go home empty-pawed, but she had no time to stalk something else. She pondered for a moment in the water, studying her wavering reflection, and decided that she would head home slowly, looking

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4 ANSWERS


  1. You write quite beautifully :]

    The storyline sounds interesting, too!


  2. I read your prologue and was intrigued. i love this too. i think maybe you should give Zakeria a bit more of an entrance and then introduce her name e.g.

    A young female cheetah with a white pelt crouched against the sun bleached boulders by the river. She was on her first hunting trip, and was trying to conceal herself from a wildebeest calf drinking water and munching grass at the riverbank.

    Then just say her name after.

    Btw i think your story is brill so far and i love how it launches straight into the story. However, i keep finding myself saying Zakeria as zakeera

    Brill, keep writin!!


  3. wow, looks good to me... wish i could write like that :(

  4. Its great! You have the perfect details on all your characters and events. This reminded me of the fantasy series Warriors, a book about a clan of cats surviving in the wild.  

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