Do you like the beggining of my book?

Question

Do you like the beginning of my book.It is a rough draft so bare with me.

I covered my ears trying to drown out the cries of the next victum in the basement.We only had this one for a week.It was a girl this time and she was worth about 3,000 dallors only because she was ten."Susie,please come down here",my mom yelled from downstairs.I dreaded getting closer to the sceaming but I dared not to disobey.I slowly got up and exited my room.The screams were disapating.I knew what that meant.I trotted down the stairs and entered the kitchen.My mom was standing at the table with a boy about nine.She motioned towards the boy and said,"Susie this is Bruce."She winked at me."Can you show him around?"

Answer 1

Frankly your story appears to be trying too hard to be rough and perverse in premise without having much human understanding either of suffering nor of the actual motives that might make people commit such acts, regardless of whether they are 'evil' or outright indifferent to humanity.  Life breathes life into a story, no matter how awful.  Your story thus far reads like a cliched-teenage suspense premise mired in a glut of trying desperately to shock and/or outdo some set-in-stone idea you have about the worst thing(s) people can do to one another.

In other words, despite this being merely a single paragraph, your story is immature.  This is not to say you cannot go somewhere with it and develop something genuine out of an idea.  But as written now, it would be dismissed by an agent, editor or publisher after this much.

Good luck.

Answer 2

No.

I don't care if it's a rough draft, learn how to spell. If you can't even spell dollars correctly you really should not be writing yet.

Answer 3

It sounds interesting, I like it. :] Good luck.

Answer 4

     Even if it is a rough draft, love, make sure your spelling's good.  If nothing else, it's good practice.  Apart from that, it's very interesting.  I'm a little unsure about the next victim being a girl, yet when Susie goes downstairs, she finds a boy.  Certainly, though, I want to know what's going to happen.  I thought it very exciting and quite well written.

Good luck.  I'd like to read the rest of the story.

Mike B

Answer 5

A little confusing. But overall it's nicely done. I think once you fix all of the errors, it should be all good.

I'll help you with the spelling. I have nothing better to do right now. =)

I covered my ears, trying to drown out the cries of the next victim* in the basement. We only had this one for a week. This time she was a girl and worth about 3,000 dollars* because she was ten. " Susie, please come down here," my mom yelled from downstairs. I dreaded getting closer to the screaming but I dared not to disobey. I slowly got up and exited my room. The screams were dissipating*; I knew what that meant. I trotted down the stairs and entered the kitchen. My mom was standing at the table with a boy about nine-years-old. She motioned towards the boy and said, " Susie, this is Bruce." She winked at me. " Can you show him around?"

* = spelling error.

Good luck!!

Answer 6

Well it makes me want to know more so that's always a good sign. I also liked the fact her mum winked, you wonder what kind of world is this? Interesting.

Answer 7

It's alright, but a bit confusing. I guess that's because it's the beginning and all.

Remember to use spellcheck. I see lots of spelling mistakes.

Answer 8

8 out of 10 check spelling

Answer 9

please work on your spelling and grammar! it's a bit too confusing as yet, but you need to put more understanding into this... feelings, sights etc :)

good try