Do you like the first chapter of my book?

Question

I am going to give you the frst chapter and half of the second one

I need you to tell me if you like it and the quality of the writing

I am sorry about the spelling

Chapter 1

"One more block",I rambled on almost drooling with excitment.

Amanda's alchohol was all that my mind was on.I was only thirteen but after being abandoned be both parents and left to die on the steps of an old church I picked up alittle problem with vodka.To my internal liking I picked up a twelve year old who wanted so bad to get wasted with me.It was so much more fun with a partner.There were no parents around so no worring about getting caught and put into that ocward situation where while you were already trashed and you had to reach into the back of your mind for an exscuse to why you were sweating and wobbly.Not to brag but I was the best at getting out of trouble.

My partner in crime was Jade.She was overweight but it looked good on her.She had long dirty blonde hair.She had big brown eyes that in some way defined her.Of corse we had to have a responsible person to help us out but it just happened that it was a very uptight fourteen year old.His name was Billy. He wouldn't shut up about why this was a bad idea and how stupid we were being.Out of all the people that survived I was stuck with him.We tried to get rid of him but he was afriad of being alone it seemed.

Jade was still alittle out of it because she knew her parents and she loved them.I on the other had seen nor heard from my parents in over five years years.I had been living on the streets before this and sometimes I slept in abandoned buildings.I had no one and cared for no one.Not once has a hand ever reached out to help me up.

Jade's face lit up when the store came into view."Melanie were're here",she yelled.I nodded.

I bent over and grabbed a good sized rock.The double doors in the beggining of the achohol store had a sheet of glass from the top of the red door down to the middle.This wasn't a very appitizing building if you saw just the outside but what it held on the inside made it all worth while.

I perfectly aimed the stone at the glass while standing back a couple feet and threw it with all my might.I might have joined the softball team if I had the chance.I decided to scronge for food in a dumpster instead.

As I exspected the glass shattered to the ground.I scurried over to the door and reached my hand in.I was so exstatic I didn't even feel the shard of glass that percied my arm as I turned the lock and the door popped open.I raced in.This store happened to be huge so there was so many choices.

I grabbed one of the shot glasses sold up front.I spotted a bottle of vodka mixed with green apple flavering.I popped it open and poured myself a shot and chugged.I walked up to the front of the store,grabbed another shot glass,filled it up,and handed it to Jade.

To my suprise she hesitated.She must be new at this.

"Oh my god it's been too long",I said as I set the shot glass down and just drank out of the bottle.I started drinkin at about eleven.At first it burned so bad but after a while I got used to it and now I am like this.This meaning a drunk,well when I could get my hands on it.It wasn't always easy in my situation.I crashed every party I could find.It was mostly teenagers throwing a party when thier parents weren't home.

Billy grabbed a 2 liter of soda and started drinking that.The store was in the middle of no where.We hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day and it was about 1 o clock pm.

The storeclerk knew me and sometimes gives me some free samples.She was nineteen and her boss was never there so we just bonded.

Jade stuck out her tounge and said"wow".I thought she was done but she held out the shot glass and motioned to fill it up.

I took another shot and another and another.I was buzzed at that point. Jade had just as much so she was too.For those of you who have never exspericed the joy of the feeling achohol gives you.One you have no idea what you are missing and two being buzzed I wasn't out of touch with reality.I just got dissy when I stood up.I decided to stop for now.I loved the feeling you got but I hate the hangover.

All of our heads swung around when we hear a loud screeching coming from outside.

CHAPTER 2

"What the h**l is that",I yelled from the back of the store to Billy.I knew it was bad when Billy's jaw fell from it's normal sneer.

"Get down",was all heard before all the pressure hit me and I was thrown into the self of tequila.The bootles shattered and peirced my skin.To make matters worse the achohol poured onto the cuts.That was the least of my problems.I slowly got up and ran to Jade who was now crying.I threw my self on her and cradled our heads.

The winds pulled us and pushed us but luckily we stayed on the ground.No actally we were lucky this building was still intacted.

It seemed almost unaurthadox to use the word lucky.

Answer 1

its sound very interesting. i suggest putting it up on a site.

get a wider opinion.  

Answer 2

It's past 1:00AM so I'm not gonna bother putting this together in a way that flows. My point should be clear enough, just don't expect any warning when I skip topics.

I skimmed, because it was too horrible to read all the way through. First off, your chapter is too jam packed with information, and the information itself was something that's been done, over, and over, and over again. I can't recall how many times I've come across the stereotypical "orphaned teens act bad-butt by drinking, smoking, swearing, and making smart-butt remarks that are anything but clever, while all the while they just want some love and understanding in their life from an adult and/or boyfriend/girlfriend. It's been done SO many times.

I think your little alcoholic main character is a stereotype of an alcoholic. Her thought processes are wrong-no doubt you're going on things you've heard about sparingly, things like "oh, alcoholics will do just about anything to get a drink, they don't feel right without one, you see" Well it's a lot more than that. If you're going to portray a character with an alcohol dependence (which I'm assuming this is the case) you need to study alcohol addiction in depth to make it

realistic.

I think no one can be so intent on getting their fix that they don't at least go "ouch" when they're impaled by glass...

If this kid is an orphan with an alcohol addiction she should be suffering from withdrawal since it has "been so long" since her last dose. People suffering from withdrawal don't think about how bad-butt they are and crack jokes about being on the softball team. Also, alcohol in growing children probably has some very obvious affects on the person physically, mentally, and emotionally-you need to know these affects to incorporate them in your story.

Don't use words you don't know how to spell/don't know very well (as in, those words you saw when you looked up synonyms for your original word) Or at the very least spell check your stuff before posting it. Your apology isn't good enough for the level of bad this is, spelling wise-doesn't yahoo have a built in spell checker?

How long have you been writing? A year? Two? Maybe less? If this is the best you can do, then you are a long way away from being published. You should focus on improving your writing instead of writing a book. Try writing short stories (stories 100 pages or less) and posting them on a site like fictionpress. Or if you're into it, you can try your hand at fanfiction-fanfiction.net is an okay place (tho you might get misleading feedback)

If you are into the fanfic thing, if you'd tell me what sorts you read then I can refer you to some really great fanfictions so that you'll have something to compare your stuff to. It's always good to see the work of those better than you to know where you are yourself, skill wise.

Keep writing, keep improving, but don't think about writing something as massive and time consuming as an entire book yet.

Oh, and if this came off grumpy then I apologize-I'm suffering from insomnia so I'm not in the greatest mood.

Answer 3

I can't specify what I'm talking about, but something in your story sounds so wrong. I think its the choppiness in the storyline. And you don't have much rhythm and flow in your sentences. I like the concept, the character needs a little more development, but you really need to work on some major things. An obvious plot line, and maybe a preface that shows a quick glance into the future would make things easier - just a suggestion. :]

Answer 4

Try reading it to family or friends to provide constructive criticism, I though it was pretty good though.

Answer 5

Well if you don't mind my criticism, in the first paragraph its kinda overwhelming with information it may not seem like that but then people like myself don't find a point in reading if it gives much information in the beginning i am not trying to be mean i am writing a book also I did that posted it on yahoo and people said I gave to much information in the first short chapter and what I did was to fix it

I left the readers to wonder why my character was in this situation and i revealed it around the middle~end of the book

ok well considering a few words that i would find easy to spell are misspelled i am assuming this is a rough draft

I feel kinda bad criticizing people who are probable older then me unless your thirteen too(or younger) i wont feel that bad

hope i helped but don't give your hopes up publishing is hard your probable going to need agent to help get it published keep writing its funn  

Answer 6

If you really want some feedback on your writing, then your best bet is to put it on a site for that sort of thing.  I would suggest deviantart or fictionpress.