Do you like the first chapter of my book(it is short)?

Question

Now before you read this I want you to know I am not a sick freak.There is a point to all this but I cannot tell you in the first chapter.This is the draft.Spell check was not working and I did not bother to put it in paragraphs.I want you to tell em what you think and do you like it.Do you want to know more and any advice.

I covered my ears trying to drown out the cries of the next victum in the basement.We only had this one for a week.It was a girl this time and she was worth about 3,000 dallors only because she was ten."Susie,please come down here",my mother yelled from downstairs.I dreaded getting closer to the sceaming but I dared not to disobey.I slowly got up and exited my room.The screams were disapating.I knew what that meant.I trotted down the stairs and entered the kitchen.My mother was standing at the table with a boy about fourteen.She motioned towards the boy and said,"Susie this is Bruce."She winked at me."Can you show him around?"I started to take him to his room but my mother stopped me."Honey,but first I need you to go downstairs and get me a can of tuna."I couldn't believe her how could she do this too me.I knew I wasn't supposted to speak but I couldn't help myself."Mother,please don't make my go down there."I knew it was coming now.I backed up as far as I could but the table kept me from making a full exit.Her face turned from a nice smile to a terrifying grin.Her voice made me cringe."Excuse me."My face burned after her hand wacked my face."Get you *** down there"..I got up and bolted to the stairs that led to the basement.I took the first step but was almost knocked down by a musculer man as her came up.I turned and saw him pull out some bills and hand them to my mother.I slowly walked down the steps afriad of what I might find.When I made it to the bottem I grabbed a flashlight and looked around.The dark basement was empty other than a selve of canned food and some wooden barrels in the corner.I never asked what they held.I staggered to the sevle and grabbed a can of tuna.I examined the the room and I saw the big steel door.I wanted to run back up the stairs.I didn't want to look but I was intriged.I crept over to the door.The bolt was left unlocked.I pulled it open just enough so I could stick my head in.I took in a deep breath and popped my head in.The girl was laying on the had cement floor.Her body was cut up.There was blood everywhere.I could feel vomit creeping up my trought.Before I pulled back I had to know.I inspected her stomach.I waited and I was releaved when it raised.I couldn't let this happen again.I slowly closed the door and jogged up the steps.When I got the the top my mother was standing there."What the h**l took you so long."I handed her the tuna and said,"I am so sorry mam".She seemed to be pondering the statement and then said,"I want you to show Bruce to his room and as a punishment I want you to clean The Room".I had to swallow hard so I didn't sigh.I nodded and grabbed Bruce's had.I led him up the stair and to the spare bedroom at the end of the hall.Once we were safley in his room I spoke."We need to get out of here before she finds a buyer."

Answer 1

i actually get it like i get how it cod like freak ppl out with the blood and guts but u hav a good plot and interesting story here. u cod even like publlish it.  

Answer 2

This is pretty good!   Delightfully creepy!   I can almost see it as a horror graphic novel!  Know anybody that can draw?  Once you fix it up and / or add to it there are websites you can submit your stories to.  I'll star your question and come back tomorrow with a link or two for you.

Good job!

Answer 3

As you are already aware, your writing contains numerous spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors.  If you are truly interested in writing well (and intriguingly), you'll have to learn to write legibly, obviously.  That said, what you've written is interesting, inspires my desire to know what will follow, what is actually happening...  Therefore, I would encourage you to develop it further.  However, take the time to embellish your concept and to write it well and not hurriedly.  If you want to sell your story eventually, you'll need to present it in the acceptable form.  Good luck!

Answer 4

The chapter has left me hanging. I am curious to see what happens next. However I can not like it.  It is horrifying and I do think you should spell check and punctuate before asking for comments because I had to read it twice to follow the story. As long as you are not a "sicko", I think you should keep working on it. If there is any truth to the story I think you should seek a mental health professional.

    Good luck.

Answer 5

wow....

its good but creepy