Do you like the first part of my story?

Question

This is just part of the first chapter. Not the whole chapter.

I looked at my feet, hitting the hard concrete each step. It seemed like each foot step was a huge thump. Ben walked past me, being followed by Tiffany Hayes, and Rachel Johnson. They followed his steps. Ben would keep looking back to see if he lost them. They would just, smile, wave, and whisper. Ben would speed up.

My frizzy hair lied right below my chest. “I miss my hair.”, I whimpered to myself. I had gotten my hair dyed, because my best friend, Nicole told me it would look good. But, it just ended up ruining my hair.

I felt someone behind me and I closed my eyes -It was Mike. Mike was this boy -my best friend- who had the hugest crush on me, and tried to hide it, which didn’t always work. He caught up to me, holding his large bag on his left shoulder, and touching his right shoulder with his left hand.

“Hey, Bell!”. I waved as he set down his bag and rubbed his shoulder. “What’s wrong with your shoulders?”. He lifted up his sleeves, to see the damage. His shoulders were burning red, and he looked like he was in pain. He sighed, “My backpack. It’s killing my shoulders..”. I smiled at him. He rubbed his nose, which was something he always did when he was about to ask an awkward question. “Hey”, he paused, “I have a question..”. I begged that it wasn’t something about whether I liked him or not, because I really didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“You say you’re shy around boys you like.. How come you aren’t shy around me?”. I frowned and hit my forehead, not knowing what to say. This question was worse than asking if I liked him or not. I sighed, and tried to produce words. “Because, Michael..”. I paused. I didn’t know what to say next that couldn’t hurt him. I looked up at him, scratching his dark brown hair.. “You’re my buddy!”, I concluded. He bit his lip and smiled. I was glad that was over with. I put my arm over his shoulder, and we continued our journey home.

As I got closer and closer to my driveway, I noticed Ben standing not even a block away. He smiled and ran up to me. “Hi, you must be Bellorita Caline?”, he asked. I nodded. He actually knew my name, “Yes. That’s me.”. He smiled and stuck his hand out, “Oh, hello! I’m Ben Brye. You’re new to the neighborhood, right?”. I smiled and nodded, considering I was too shy to even say ‘yes’.

“So… I saw you walking with Michael Cameron? You guys friends?”, Ben asked. He swiped his hands through his brown hair. I nodded, still trying to produce words. He laughed, “Yeah, he is my friend.. Would you like to hang out with us tonight?”. Oh gosh. Now I was even more shy. I don’t know if it was because of the invite, or the fact how his gorgeous eyes hit mine. I nodded and he walked away.

I sat at the table, in the mall’s café. Mike sat directly in front of me, twisting his spaghetti, and eye balling me, to prevent me from flirting with Ben, which didn’t help, considering I couldn’t control the flirts. Ben sat next to me. He was wearing new pants, and a nice, pink, dress shirt. I wonder if Mike had told him I was attracted to pink-wearing guys. I kept wishing that Mike wouldn’t of sat right in front of me, because he noticed my every move. Ben and I kept smiling at each other, and Mike kept acting disgusted.

“I’m gonna go use the toilet.”, Mike pledged. He walked away to the men’s room. Ben laughed, “Hey.. If you want, you can come over after this. I’d like to get to know you more.”. I smiled. I wasn’t sure if I would want to be in a house all alone with him. “Will it just be me and you?”, I replied. He bit his gum, as if he was thinking. “Sure. If you want.”. I sighed, knowing I was about to make a huge sacrifice.. I set down my fork, “Well, I think I would feel more comfortable with Mike there, too.”. I looked at Ben, wondering if he was mad, or if he was uncomfortable with just the two of us, as well. He smiled, “Good. Me too.”. I laughed, and continued eating.

Answer 1

Bellorita is boring.

Answer 2

     Yes, it's a good effort.  You should always indent paragraphs, though, like I'm doing in this reply.  The same with dialogue.  Like this:

     "I'm going to use the toilet,"  Mike (pledged?  try 'announced.')

     Ben laughed.  "Hey, you can come over after this,"

     I smiled.  I wasn't sure, etc.

     See what I mean?  Read the story into a tape recorder, then play it back.  You'll be able to pick up mistakes that way.  Obviously, too, you'll have to re-write.  That's all part of writing, I'm afraid.  But good luck.  Well done

Mike B

Answer 3

that is a great story.. the thing is i thing that you shouldn't up it up here or else someone else will take you story and make it into a book before you do...