Do you like this poem? HONESTY WELCOMED

Question

Life is just a mirage; a phase, a maze, most of the time I feel I’m in a daze.

It amazes me how surreal this life is.

In reality I am here today, but I could be gone tomorrow.

I`m hopping over clouds today, but tomorrow I`ll be filled with sorrow.

Life never ceases to amaze me.

You don`t see me but you feel me.

You don`t hear my sounds but you read me.

You amaze me.

Do I amaze you?

08/09/08 Maria Santiago

Answer 1

its alright.

the beginnings slightly redundant.

work on using different, less cliche phrases and you've got yourseld quite the work of art.

Answer 2

yes well put together. keep up the good work.

Answer 3

It's wonderful! :)

Answer 4

Hey m2...I hope you don't mind...Your show my flow.  Peace,R

Life a mirage tricks me

Surreal views that I see

Amazed

Dazed I travel on

This phase in time

Up down round & round

Climbing clouds

Sun drenched hills

Sliding down inner ills

And I land

Stunned

In awe I open up to

Sights and sounds

That abound

Then there's you

Are you with me?

Answer 5

It makes me feel good.

Answer 6

the first line needs to be changed. it doesn't flow right. but otherwise its pretty great.

Answer 7

im not really into poems but seriously the first line just caught me i had to keep reading lol. its a deep poem in some way because i can kinda relate to where you going at with it... its good real good i like it (again im not a poem person so yea its pretty tight lol)

Answer 8

Hmm, it's okay.

You should try posting your poetry on allpoetry.com...people will actually critique it.

Answer 9

I LOVE IT !!!!!!!!

Answer 10

I think you could tighten it up with the removal of words such as "just a" leaving

Life is a mirage

a maze

I'm in a daze.

Here I am,

but tomorrow

is (your words).

Also at then end -- perhaps different words than amaze, which is now used four times in the poem -- the word has become redundant -- but finding a new word for three of the amazes would add strength.

IMO

T.

Answer 11

I like it.

But try not to use 'I' too much.

=]

Answer 12

yeah

Answer 13

Simple in approach, but lyrical in layout.  Your words flow well in spoken recital.  This would do well at a poetry jam.  My compliments.

Answer 14

me want to know what about life so amazing? me think you say " noun is" to much. honesty is free from me. you need to not be afraid to make good point. pomes mean risk and this not risk enough yet. you good riter. go rite more.  

Answer 15

I really  like like it!!

Answer 16

My critique--No honestly--needs some more work. The word "you" is repeated alot. The stanza jumps from 3rd person to first person.  Try using a thesaurus-- to get words in there that catches the eye of the reader.

I admire your boldness to accept critisism.

Good Luck on your poetry!  

Answer 17

"Hi",

That is a beautiful poem. You really display a lot of meaning into your poems.great imagery like (hopping over clouds).

Again a splendid effort. I saw earlier Tori's layout and Idea which is a valued and great tip.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

P.S: Hydropro done excellent too! : )

Answer 18

i like it

Answer 19

Excellent, I can feel you threw this poem, I feel the same way right now, what makes a great poet is the ability to express yourself in an artistic form. Thanks for this man,good stuff  

Answer 20

wow.

that's really good!

i am being very honest!

Answer 21

*claps*