Do you like this poem? my first scaffold attempt?

Question

Is this rhyming scheme I have acceptable in poetry?

This is my first scafold attempt. poem used was.....

George Gordon, Lord Byron - She walks in Beaty.

http://www.poetry.com.au/classics/titles/s/she-walks-beauty.html

Her beauty radiates like a light,

Like her tantalising cosmic eyes

That twinkles in the opal night,

The inner spirit hypnotized,

Her sweet sincerity of delight,

To meet such lady in summer skies,

It is the rarest gem to get,

Enveloped in fine satin lace,

Emotions fill the artic set,

The sun radiates her joyous face,

Mind drifts a way from daily sweat,

The heart is racing in fine pace,

Kiss of strawberry lips bestow,

Silver tongued encrypt in tho

Within the silver, diamonds glow,

Dancing in the rain that flow,

Overcome obstacles from blackened crow

Together our hearts will always sow.

Answer 1

Do you know that you are amazing Galactia? You are a brave person. You never stop amazing me! You experiment with all types of poems, (which I am not brave enough to do, yet)

And then you put them out there, "GO AHEAD CRITIQUE", is what you say!

And you take the good and the bad comments are very, very well!

GOOD GIRL!!!

AND BEAUTIFUL POEM, I WISH I WAS THE GIRL IN THE POEM THATS HOW MARVELOUS YOU HAVE MADE HER OUT TO BE!

Answer 2

wow that's REALLY good !!!! keep going

you could be famous one day!!!!!

Answer 3

A valiant attempt ruined.

"eyes that twinkles"

"artic"

If there you have some valid reason for unorthodox grammar and spelling, then I will support you fully. These just look like carelessness, and dogshyt errors such as these are a huge distraction.

You start out really strong (despite the errors) but seem to run out of gas toward the end:

"Silver tongued encrypt in tho" I have no idea what this means. Can you translate this for me?

"rain that flow" Last time I looked "rain" was a singular collective noun.

The last two lines are a mess. I have no idea how to improve them, because I haven't a clue as to what they mean. You should come back to this when you have more energy. Some of this is so very good. That's why the flaws annoy me so much.

Answer 4

no

Answer 5

its got a lot of beautiful phrases but i feel like they arent all put together really.

Answer 6

I think it's a good poem but you should use more complex words to rhyme or even rhyme sentences;

The woman danced in the night,

On her way on a silver plight,

As all the doves take flight, etc.

Instead of;

Her beauty radiates like a light,

Like her tantalising cosmic eyes

That twinkles in the opal night,

And poetry is about what you love or want to express not what would sound good in a poem, that poem would be perfect if you were a man in love and the woman reminded you of what you wrote in this poem.

All around good poem though.

Answer 7

i love it it's beutyful

Answer 8

If you are imitating "She walks in beauty..", you have succeeded, it immediately came to mind.

Answer 9

meh

Answer 10

It was a difficult read for me. I tried to picture all the things of which you spoke and they didn't quite fit together for me... I think you struggled to write this and it wasn't something that came from within you... poetry is music to me, and even though the meter was close, it was like notes that didn't make a song... in my humble opinion...

Answer 11

scuse please. agree with mr lourie.

Answer 12

I think it's beautiful. You should make it flow more. I like how it doesn't rhyme. It's makes it more like a story. A POEM STORY!! :)

Answer 13

That's an awesome poem! Very pretty sounding (and the image of it is pretty!) you should check out all of the poems i wrote, my Nickname thing is Butter Cream, so if that helps w/ u finding my poems, please check it out!

Answer 14

elementary school level.

Answer 15

It shows good detail and i really like it its somthing then i read but its very romantic!!

Answer 16

Brave attempt, but needs a LOT of work. Don't be so eager to get feedback 'til you've done a lot of polishing. As someone else has already said, it does lose its way a bit toward the end, and a few lines are extremely vague. Regard this as a first draft.

Answer 17

i LOVE how its circulated around the subject "her" and describing her with gems, bright lights, and something to look for in a person... hands down awesome!

Answer 18

Wow, i like this poem indeed!

The rythm is amazing, and the words string together so beautifully. Nicely done!

Answer 19

ye its cool but my poems r better ........ jk :P