Do you like this short poem?

Question

Too Much On My Mind by Maria

What is truth?

What is lies?

I have too much on my mind,

all the time.

I`m on overload.

I must unwind or else my master board will burn.

I must shut down or I`m bound to come down.

I must relax or else I`ll have an abxiety attack.

3.27.08

Be honest please but not brutal. I am atually warming up to you all, and beginningto build trust.

Answer 1

I can't say it's the greatest. But I believe it comes right to the point. And I like that. It seems you are looking for something or at least an answer to.

I think in truth you are looking out for friends who will be truthful wiht you.

Lies I believe is something you don't to fine when your looking for the truth. Wich I believe is why you may belooking for good friends.

Your overloaded becaue you are thinking mostly about the lies and truths of the world. Which is  taking up a lot off your time.

Yes you do need to unwind. And I believe you have come to the right place. There are more good and honest people on here than bad. So take your time and don't be scared to ask or answer questions. It all helps.

You will find a lot of young people on here you will more than to happy to give you good advice.

And always remember good advice just not come from older and wiser people. But the young are just as sharpe and maybe sharper than a lot of elders. So don't be scared of their answers. If you can learn to except the words NO and Yes you will do all right.

Now for the truth! I don't know much about poetry. So I have to give you a B+. Keep up the good work.

Answer 2

its kind of ok . . . . just asking are you gonna present it 2 ur class??? if u r . . . .. ???? =s

Answer 3

LOTS OF POTENTIAL,

I LIKE IT

Answer 4

what is this "master board" you speak of cuz i don't see any connection or anything

Answer 5

Just my take on what you can do with it:

What is truth?

What is lies?

My mind is tailspinning

all the time

I must unwind

or  my mother board will burn.

I must shut down

Before I overload

I must relax

Before I fall

Or my  anxiety will attack

and obliterate  it all

You have good ideas, you just need to rework the lines a bit

Answer 6

"Hi!",

This poem has lots of potential and I know exactly how you feel. Lies and deception can really tear a person down.

Dragon lady displayed a really good example of an edited version of your poem.

The first 3 lines flows nicely. The rest needs a slight editing to make it all flow but once it's done, it is going to be impressionable.

I loved how you used"(master board will burn)"

That was a really great way to express that your mind is overwhelmed, constantly set on overdrive from all your problems which is causing you to have anxiety.

You have done a really great job. keep it up.

WELL DONE!

Cheers: )

Answer 7

I like it it has potential but I think it would be better if you combined both the original and the new one and it would be like this:

Too Much On My Mind

          By Maria

What is truth?

What is lies?

Too much on my mind.

All the time.

On overload.

Must unwind or else I'll burn.

Must shut it down or I'm bound to come down.

Must relax or I'll have an anxiety attack.

I like them both the new and the original but I think the mix is the closest to perfection but the poem it self is good .

Answer 8

Dragonlady has given you some excellent advice.  I would suggest looking at the beginning beats per line and try to stay close to them in following lines.  Emotion is evident, and a message is here.  Structure would be the emphasis to explore more to deliver this better.