Do you "let stuff go" for the sake of a harmonious relationship/marriage?

Question

To what extent should you "turn a blind eye" to your partner's faults to avoid conflict? How do you draw a line between what you issues you should learn to live with, and what is too important to ignore?

I'm in a very loving and affectionate relationship with my long-term partner (not married yet though). Living together works very well, but there are a few things that worry me a little. Namely, he can be a bit verbally abusive (cursing) when he is angry, and he is too lazy to do housework.

If you can't change some aspects of your partner, should you just try to accept them (if everything else is great)?

Answer 1

Verbally abusive is one thing that can soon turn into physical violence. I wouldn't turn a blind eye to this one. As for housework- if you enjoy keeping the home and don't mind him not wanting to do housework then fine. My husband doesn't enjoy doing housework and I love to so that has never been an issue. He doesn't raise his voice or curse or get angry though and that is one thing he knows I will not tolerate. That is a breaking point for me.  

Answer 2

My hubby seldom gets angry, but when he does, he can say some REALLY hurtful things... In the beginning, I had a very hard time with it, but I eventually realized that a lot of us say mean things in the heat of anger & don't really mean them... We shouldn't, but we do...

The "line" for me is when the other person never apologizes,  or even worse, tries to defend their mean remarks  after they've calmed down... For me, someone who can't make some effort towards amends is an abuser, as opposed to someone who let their anger get the better of them...  Part of making an effort towards amends is changing their behavior...  If  a person makes the same hurtful comments over & over, that crosses the line for me, even IF they apologize afterward...  Apologies are empty if they keep doing the same hurtful things...

It has taken a couple of years, but hubby & I eventually got to a place where we can say "out of bounds" when we're feeling a remark is just TOO mean and the other person backs off...   This type of respect is important, I think, because Anything that FEELS abusive, is ultimately going to be destructive to the relationship...

Answer 3

sometimes you need to pick your battles and work and communicate to achieve harmony and change

Answer 4

Yes, I let a lot of stuff go, and my husband does too (some of my habits get on his nerves too).  

But there’s a limit to what I’ll overlook.  I’ll overlook a few curse words when he’s angry, because it *rarely* happens, and over the course of my life, I’ve let a few of them fly out of my mouth too.  But I wouldn’t overlook him calling me a ‘f*cking b*tch’ (which he’s never done, by the way).

As far as the housework--If I specially ask hubby to do a certain task, he’ll do it.  If I don’t ask, the chances that he’ll just do it on his own are slim.  It’s not because he’s lazy, it’s because men and women have a different view on this issue.  He looks at the kitchen and thinks, ‘It looks fine’.  I look at the kitchen and think, ‘The floor needs to be mopped, the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out, etc. etc.’

Answer 5

Don't let anybody compromise your integrety, what and who you are.  You need to draw your line in the sand without considering him or anybody else...then don't settle for less....and trying to "change" somebody is a loose, loose deal for both of you.  As was mentioned, on minor issues maybe but don't try to change who and what somebody is unless they are changes you want to try to make for and about you.

   If you settle for verbal abuse...what will be next.  That's not something I would allow, and should tell you something about the real him and his regard for you.

Answer 6

I let stuff go for the sake of a harmonious relationship, but what I'm talking about is him forgetting to put a fresh roll of toilet paper on when he finishes the roll.

Being verbally abusive is not a trivial thing.  Don't try to normalize your dysfunction.  Get help or get out.