Do you regret meeting Bio Parent?

Question

My brother had a very horrible experience meeting an unstable, psychotic person....literally....who made his life miserable. I also have a close friend who regrets searching for her bio mom. This has, honestly, made me hesitate to search. I've heard many pro's on this website. What are the cons? I'd really like to hear from those who maybe have been afraid to express the negative aspects of this issue in a community that is very "pro" reunion.

This is not a loaded question. I've had some things happen in my life that would make searching very easy and am considering moving forward. But I want to hear all sides of the issue.

Answer 1

I had a mix.  I have a great 6 year reunion with my natural dad and extended family.  But, I found my natural mother had committed suicide 7 months before I located her.  That was pretty rough to take.

Now, my best friend reunited about 10 years ago.  It's been very up and down.  Her n-mom's mother looked at her upon their first meeting, and the first word's out of her mouth were, " You are my daughter's sin incarnate."  Wow.  Her relationship with her  natural mom wasn't one of rejection, but it's been a disappointment.  She has had a good reunion with her natural brothers, though.

Despite all of this, she is at peace with it and says that knowing is better than not knowing for her.

Gershom is right, though.  There are so many variables.  It's hard to say how someone might even feel about a certain reunion.  My friend could have been devastated by her n-grandmother's terrible comment.  Instead, she stuck out her hand to shake hands with her and simply stated, "No, ma'am, my name is ****."  She's not happy with the "greeting" she got, but she's not torn up over it, either.  Some people may have been much more hurt and affected by such a comment.  

So, lots of support during this time is important.  I couldn't have done it without my husband and friend.

Best to you in making this decision. I remember how hard it was to decide what to do.

Answer 2

no i love learning were i came from and not knowing for 20 years made me wonder

Answer 3

The people who I have met are not the family I would have wanted to meet.  They are mentally unstable.  But if I had never met them I would have felt a void that would always haunt me.  I still feel a slight void as my bio brother doesn't have any intention of meeting me, but there is nothing I can do.  I know this sounds cliche, but follow what your heart is telling you to do.

Answer 4

I do not regret searching at all.  It answered my life-long curiosity.  I finally felt as if I had a tiny voice in my own adoption.  However, I did not like what I found.  Luckily, I only had phone and mail contact with bdad before he decided to quit our contact.  Bmom refused contact.  I do now have contact with a full-blood sibling, a grandmother, aunts/uncles, and many cousins.  Those relationships have been the unexpected boon in my search.

As a condition of contact, my bdad asked me to sign a document relinquishing my right to search for other family.  Luckily I was mature enough and well informed enough to refuse.  Before you search, make sure you know who you are, what you will or will not give, and what you will or not take.  Don't make any promises without careful consideration of the possible ramifications.

Answer 5

If my people turn out to be the scum of the earth or the queen of sheba I will never regret discovering the TRUTH of my origins - that's what I'm searching for; not a particular kind of person.

Still Searching

Answer 6

The con's to meeting your biological parents as an adoptee? First of all, know if you really want to pursue a search because there are adoptees out there who don't want to know and quite frankly don't care to know. One of my friends who was adopted as a baby never cared to know and never searched and is happy with that choice.

Since it sounds like you've decided to do a search you need to prepare yourself for a few possible negative outcomes which may include:

* Never being able to trace them. We go on faith and trust with the biological parents of our children that we have factual names and information given to us. We never know and since they don't run criminal checks on biological family in an adoption (only on the adoptive families do they do so) we have no proof if we have a psuedonym or real name.

* Be prepared that they could have died from illness or other tragedy and therefore you may only find a grave site- if that.

* Be prepared that if you do find them they could reject you and be angry about it because there are biological parents to adoptees that honestly do not want to be found- even years later. I have another friend that was adopted as an infant who did find her biological mother (dad was unfindable) and it was horrible because the mom did not want to be found and it turned out that she was also a prostitute. Not all biological parents of adoptees have such extreme situations, but in this case, it was.

* Be prepared for court costs if the records to your adoption were sealed in court. It will take approaching a judge with a lawyer to have your records opened so you can begin a search- and legally they do this unless there is something in the records that would jeopardize the saftey of either party by opening them for search purposes.

* Have a support system behind you. Your adoptive family is a good place to start as are friends that know you're adopted and that you can trust to help you. This way if it ends badly you'll have people to help you pick up the broken pieces as it were after.

Before you search I would ask yourself "What do I want to know that I need to search for this person?" and "what do I hope to find when I meet them?"

On a happier note, you're experience may turn out positive and you may find that you have something in common with your biological parents. Maybe you both love spaghetti but dispise hotdogs or maybe you'll discover who you look like physically or where you got a talent for singing or art from. While the biological parents may have brought you into the world, they are really not your parents that raised you and that you will ever see as parents. It does not mean that you can't form a friendship and contact with them (if both sides are willing).  

Finally, since you legally need to be 18 in most states to be allowed to search in adoption cases for biological family members, be sure that you know the laws regarding searches and resources available to you. Hospital records, state of birth etc.. are good places to start- as are life books and talking to your adoptive family.

Answer 7

My birth daughter and I and her birth father are happy to be reunited. She set the rules and that is fine. She told us she saw no reason to exclude us in her life, her exact words. We were thrilled. it's been almost 7 years. She's had some hardships in her life and we feel so bad for her. We love her and she loves us. We know she has parents so we know our place and we appreciate the time we have together. When I started to look, I didn't tell anyone not even my husband, I was afraid that people would stop me. I was prepared for it to go either way. So our outcome was good.

Answer 8

I think each experience is personal and very different. In my opinion, you have to prepare yourself for anything as much as you can and when you're ready to find anyone in any circumstance and think you can handle that, or rejection, or finding a grave, then pursue your search.

I would find a support group of people that you can trust to support you through the entire search, and possible, hopeful reunion.

Answer 9

I guess sometimes, meeting birth mothers can open a can of worms. I am sorry that your brother had a bad experience.

I have had a nice experience. We are friends and I have learned alot about my roots and birth famlily. I have met brothers and sisters too. I am happy I looked for her. My curiosity was killing me!! Although, i dont class her as my mother. My mother cant be replaced.

Answer 10

I do not regret knowing my parents, but it was a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I wish I had been able to find more support for myself when I did it.

I think knowing is always better than not knowing, but that doesn't mean it is always pleasant or easy.

Answer 11

I'd just like to say that even in the best reunion, there is some sadness, some sense of loss, of "what might have been". A question that can never fully be answered

I had to be clear with myself about my expectations before sending my first letter (back before the internet). I prepared myself for the possibility that I might have a door slammed in my face. I knew by the time I began my search that if a door were slammed, it would be on the past, not on me personally. I also didn't want to disrupt my first mom's life or "out" her to her family if they didn't know.  Overall, my outcome was positive.  Though I have1/2 siblings who want nothing to do with meeting me.  That's OK.  I respect their feelings, and their right to choose.  As adults, we all have a right to choose who we'll associate with & who we won't.  

I have a business associate who's biological son re-entered his life several years ago.  He was quite young when he married & was unprepared to become a father.  He divorced, moved to another state & eventually signed over his parental rights so the boy's step father could adopt the son (as a baby).  

The son grew up in a loving home with his mom & adopted dad; graduated college; had a successful job.  When the son re-entered his bio-dad's life, he was in rehab for drug & alcohol addiction.  B.Dad took him in, gave him a place to live, helped pay for rehab, & gave him a job. The son has played on his b.dad's guilt. I won't go into details, but the relationship soured long ago.  

So no, not every reunion is positive.  However, I can also say that since finding, I no longer feel "adopted". I don't feel 'separated' from a part of my life that I grew up not knowing about.  Finding is the best thing I ever did for myself.  

We may regret that we didn't have a better outcome, yet still be glad for the journey.  As for me, I'd rather have the answers, even if they're not the answers I'd hoped for.  

I hope your brother will one day feel that peace, even though his search results were far less than ideal.  

Good luck!

Answer 12

My reunion was a mix of good and bad.  Though my n-parents had gotten married 6 months after my birth, I found an n-father who wanted nothing to do with me.  My n-mother, after about a year of a really great reunion, suddenly shut down and told me she didn't have time for me in her life.  Both were very hard blows to take.

But at the same time, I also found my n-grandmother, who I have been very close to all these years.  I also have a full brother, though I don't see him too often, we do love each other very much.  And I have an entire extended family who has welcomed me with open arms.

9 years after the initial reunion, my n-father finally warmed to the idea and we met, just once.  We had a wonderful day together in which I discovered many things about myself that are just like him.  He passed away the following winter.

My mother, after almost 11 years of silence, has recently also started coming around; she emailed me right before Christmas.  She has faced a lot of guilt and pain from the adoption, and has never really dealt with it.  That's why she couldn't face me in the beginning.

So, even though there were bad parts, the good far outweighs the bad.  And no matter what, I am glad I did it, because I know now just WHO I am and WHERE I came from, regardless of whether or not I ever have a relationship.  The healing and closure I experienced from finding my family, and FINALLY seeing myself mirrored in my own blood relatives, is worth it in itself.

Answer 13

I do regret. All my life I wanted a history- where I belonges , who I looked like, etc. It took me 19 years to find them and it has been nothing but heartache and let downs. They didnt have their stuff together then and most definaetly dont now. I had a picture of what I hoped it would be and it was so far from it. If I had known it would turn out this way I wouldnt have botthered. I have grown as a person and was raised in an entirely differentt enviroment and I have nothing in common with my "blood"

Answer 14

My dad had an older son than me who was adopted as an infant to another family. He's about 20 years my senior.

Recently, we got back in contact with him and he came to meet all of us- and didn't leave for 2 months. He financially bled my father dry, guilt tripping him the entire time, and then started taking things from the house- things that belonged to MY mother who is now dead- not his mother- and saying he, too, was entitled to family heirlooms. He sold several of my mother's family heirlooms, which is unfair because he never knew her- she was not his mother biologically or spiritually.

He's an alcoholic. My father didn't know how to tell him to leave because he felt guilty about the adoption.

Finally, he left. He left angry because Dad was wise enough not to give him Power of Attorney.

It goes both ways.

Answer 15

to answer your question, no i do not regret one single second i have had with my biofamily. but i do know many that have had bad experiences.

in my eyes if your brother had a bad experience then he should be thankful he didnt have to grow up with that. but i am sorry it didnt turn out better.

i personally feel if you go into it with limited expectations then you wont get hurt as bad. no never know what you are going to find, but going forward with great expectations of a loving new family life is grounds for a fall.

if you feel the need move forward. but be cautious. dont bank on finding a happy ending, just plan on having your questions answered and whatever else happens hopefully will be a bonus.

good luck

Answer 16

I didn't regret meeting my bio mom at all.  

My bio father, on the other hand, not so great.  When I met him, he was married to a woman who was infertile (oh, the irony), and they had been through years of testing and procedures.  Apparently, the infertility problem was hers (well, duh, he'd already fathered a kid!), and when I called him, she had a total meltdown, storming out of the house saying "Even you have a child!"  As if I was going to come live with them or something, I was grown at this point for chrissake!  

Anyway, we did meet and he was decent to me, but since he was getting all of her bitterness, he was kind of cold and said we couldn't speak again.  

So, it wasn't horrible, but not pleasant at all either, and I felt bad for having caused them more pain.  Oh, but the best part about it is that I look just like him (except female, of course) and it was the first time in my life that I looked into the face of someone I look like.  I wouldn't have passed that up even if the rest wasn't great.

If I were you, I would go for it, you'll always wonder if you don't and you can't live your life afraid of what 'might' happen.

Geez, I just thought of something.  What if they ended up adopting?  Yikes, I just got shivers down my spine.

Answer 17

Not.one.bit.

Your brother is in a very small minority.