Do you see the things I mean?

Question

Peace Death

A gathering force forebodes the end

and down on man will it descend

The depths of h**l have opened wide

to swallow up our mortal pride

Release the death and embrace pain

that all our smiles shall not be vain

Release the dark and hug the night

a chance to make all things contrite

A force descends on gathering calm

our peace is real but not for long

This one is not meant to be religious or preachy! This is simply a commentary on the world we now see… as perfect. I would like to know what you think of this one because I feel I am starting to gain back my muse but I am not sure… if this is as good as I hope it is then I will be happy that my art passion has returned to me!

Blessed Be, Siren

Answer 1

This is quite extraordinary.  There is a sense of tension and expectancy that is unrelieved throughout the poem and then you deliver the final blow in the last couplet. It takes a rather frightening view, with its threat of impending peril.  I am so happy that your Muse has returned, and is the inspiring force behind this excellent poem.  Thank you.

Answer 2

That was honestly excellent. Are you a writer?

Answer 3

Very unique.

Answer 4

I like it from lines 5 on through. The first part is good for setting up the excellence of the rest. This is unique and engaging, I only have praise for you girl!

Answer 5

I like the ideas. Both the rhyming scheme and meter push this towards sounding monotonous. AA, BB, CC, DD, and then, at last, some slight relief with the near rhyme of Ee. I think that I started noticing this with "pain...vain" which seemed somewhat forced and stale. I question whether  the feeling of contrition should belong to "things" or to yourself. The last couplet is wonderfully perfect.

Although the enigmatic title is echt Siren, the rest of the work does not reach the high level I have seen from you. But keep at it, if you stop talking to the Muse, she might leave.

Answer 6

It didn't feel preachy or religious, it felt "earthy"?  I am not necessarily a lover of poetry but this is really good.  Don't stop, you have talent.  This may sound odd -- the poem was uplifting -- not a downer at all.  Blessed be to you.