Do you see this from her point of view ?

Question

It would probably help if i explain what has gone before i ask the question.

I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant.

over the past month i haven't been talking to my dad.

i was living with him before falling out (we fell out because he went through my bedroom when i was out and lost my latest ultra sound scan)

and for the month we were not talking, i was living at my boyfriends mum's house with my boyfriend.

me and his mother don't really get on too well, but i thought we cleared things up.

while i was living at her house, she then went through my things even though she knows it's why i fell out with my dad.

and she is saying to her son, my boyfriend the father of my unborn ... that i am poisoning his mind because he had an accident at work which resulted in him breaking his arm and not being able to do his job and had to go on sick pay, but his work refused to give him sick pay unless he came in and worked for it, including over his shift (teams) holidays. he said to his mum he didn't want to work through his holidays, and his mum then said, that isn't you talking that is HER poisoning your mind...

i apologies if that made little sense, anyways.

i've since started talking to my dad again and came back to his house where i am registered living.

my boyfriend told his mum that i wasn't gonna be staying at theirs any longer because i had made up with my dad again and that i wasn't comfortable with her going through my things or saying i was poisoning her sons mind.

she then apparently went off her head, fuming at me...even though i hadn't done anything wrong.

she started saying to my boyfriend that i was going to be a bad mother and not look after the baby.

and she would step in and take over the slightest bit of neglect.

she is saying this cause all the way through my pregnancy i have felt sick and really tired and even my doctor told me if i don't feel up to something to take it easy.

i do get out of bed by the way and do what needs doing during the day, but because i don't go on hikes or leave the house EVERY DAY.

and i do sleep in longer, she seems to think i can't be bothered with anything :S.

and bare in mind when i was living at hers, i don't know the area because i am not from around there and my boyfriend was working 12 hour shifts so it was rare for me to get to look around as, i don't want to get lost in a town i don't know with no one i know.

i don't drive so it was a case of walking and buses ... not fun when you get sick easily ...

anyway, her saying she is gonna step in, well from what i know of her she picks faults over EVERYTHING.

so she would be stood over me picking at the slightest sign of ... say nappy rash.

she has been trying to take over from the minute she found out i was pregnant

she even wanted me to have the baby in the hospital near her house, AND THE ONE SHE WORKS IN!!

trying to guilt me into it.

even though all my antenatal appointments have been in the area i am in now.

and i know friends and family here. not where she lives.

I have 2 questions.

1. WHAT THE h**l CAN I DO TO MAKE HER STOP MEDDLING AND TRYING TO TAKE OVER?

2. DO YOU THINK THAT I AM IN THE RIGHT TO BAN HER FROM SEEING HER GRANDSON WHEN HE IS BORN?

Me and my boyfriend messed up with living arrangments before i got pregnant, i understand that.

We are trying to fix that, but his mum won't stop interferring :/

being parents to me, is about me and him bring our son up, not having war with his mum.

please someone give me advice, i don't know how much more of his mums bull c**p i can stand.

Answer 1

OK, as to the meddling, it's difficult. Sit down and talk to her. I don't mean end up in a blazing row with her, but a sensible discussion. Explain that you are now 27 weeks pregnant, and you can appreciate she has her own opinions, but there is no need for her to criticise your parenting skills before you even have a chance to be a parent.

Also, point out that you and her son need to make this decision as to where to live, and you're not trying to take her son away from her, but you're trying to do what's best for your unborn child. Her son would be moving out eventually as it is, and it is better he does so on good terms rather than her driving him away through being over-bearing.

I wouldn't advise stopping her seeing her grandchild. Not only will it be punishing her, but it will be also punishing your child and her son. Grin and bear it, and try and avoid getting into arguments with her.

Your best bet, prove her wrong. Be an EXCELLENT mother. And give her no reason to fault you. Best way to deal with interfering parents/in-laws

Answer 2

Sorry Hun but in a way Tinky is right ..when i found i was pregnant we knew we needed our own place and we did within a few months (why can't you ?) the trouble is they see it as their house their rules..your boyfriend sounds like he needs so backbone to stand up for you a bit more and tell them to stop interfering, i understand when you say you get sick easy BUT your pregnant not ill, i was carrying twins and still went to work and decorated our new place ..seems like you need to get out and fast and stop blaming everyone else ..  

Answer 3

All I can say is do your best for the baby when it comes ignore the MIL as stress is not going to help you.

If you stay living at your dads maybe you dad can make sure she does not keep turning up unexpectedly and tell her she will be limited also when you get a place of your own still limit the times she can be there and tell her straight, if she turns up when your bf is out make sure a chain is on the front door and tell her you do not want her there unless your bf is there, then shut the door.

She may set social services on you but if you keep the place clean and tidy and baby well looked after they will be on your side and not hers.

You cannot do anything about her ways just limit your contact with her, have the baby in the hospital of your choice and to be honest I would not choose the one she was working at anyway.

If you  give her a chance to be around YOUR BABY and she keeps telling you what she thinks your doing wrong then by all means ban her.

After all you want this time with your baby to be happy and stress free but if you keep worrying about her it will cause you no end of stress and you do not need that.

Answer 4

I think that the best thing for you to do is to keep  doing the right thing.

try to be civil when possible and don't loose your cool even when she provokes cuz that would play to her advantage.

mothers have trouble letting go of control of their only child so its natural that she feels you are not going to be good enough. sounds like you are being reasonable but don't keep her away from the baby unless she is mistreating the baby. if she calls for abuse then she will have to prove it and the social workers are trained and experienced in feuding families that report each other.

I really wish you the best of luck. I went through this also but with the whole family against me and I don't regret keeping my cool because it played to my advantage in the end.

Answer 5

She sounds mad....

I would flat out tell her to mind her own business, this child is yours and not hers and her venom is not wanted in your childs life.

I would totally keep her from seeing the baby.  The thing is though, that it's hard to keep someone from visiting you in the maternity ward, so I would allow her in, smile and take a deep breath, then when you get home and she tries to meddle, let her know to step back and cut her out if you want.

It is your decision, but talk this through with your partner, let him know how you feel and what you want to do.

Answer 6

Wow. That mum is really...grr...something. And you're right, you should have the right to ban her from seeing your child-to-b because then what if she says, 'You are a bad mum.' infront of ur child-to-b, then ur child-to-b starts believing it??

I'm taking this out as my opinion. We all have diffrent ones.

Answer 7

I can so understand your frustration my mother in law is a royal pain in the **** too. it actually took me 2 years to get her off my case!

i was everything, the worst mother in the world, the worst wife in the world!  and i did everything i could to defend myself and make her leave me alone and nothing worked!

My husband fortunately sided with me cos he could see that i had done nothing wrong!

She is bang out of order saying you will be a bad mother, she has no right whatsoever to say that and should keep her nasty little opinions to herself! I'm sure your going to be a fantastic mother, but whatever you do DON'T listen to her! do NOT let her get to you no matter how frustrating it is!

I learned the hard way and was an emotional wreck cos i was put down by her so much, i actually thought i was worthless and a terrible mother cos i was told that so often! but then i thought you know what SOD HER! I'm a fantastic mother and if shes threatening to have my son taken away from me AND her son then shes the one that's the bad parent not me!

so eventually i stopped her seeing my son - yes very harsh but then she learned that i was in control NOT her, and if she wanted to see him then she better learn to keep her mouth shut and her opinions to herself!

I also went to a solicitor and had paperwork drawn up to say that if ANYTHING (god forbid) happened to me or my husband, whether we died or were found unfit parents custody of my son would go to my family not her like she seemed to think would happen.

she went mental but it worked. it was hard work but worth it, now she knows to respect my position in her sons life and if she doesn't like it then she knows where she can stick it!

im currently 37 weeks pregnant with my second son and ive said to my husband if she starts again this time then i WILL keep the kids away from her, i wont have that sort of nastiness around them.

i think if you feel strongly enough about your position then stick to your guns, but you cant do it alone you need to have the backing of your partner or it wont work!!

good luck and try and have a stress free rest of your pregnancy!

sorry this was such an essay i just wanted to share my story with you! mother in laws can be evil BUT they can also be put in their place!  

Answer 8

Why don't you give this baby to the grandmother to rear so you and your boyfriend can grow up.

Answer 9

This is what you get for having baby's when you haven't even got your own place !

Parents will interfere they see it as their right your living under their roof  

Answer 10

well tinky winky's answer wasn't very helpful now was it? I feel bad for you and your situation, and I wish I knew of something that would help, but you cannot let your mother in law take over. I would try to talk to an attorney to see what you can do if she tries to get the baby after he's born. Don't worry, it is very hard to take a baby away from it's mom, she'd have to prove you as an unfit mother. I'm sure you will be a good mom, so she won't be able to prove that. As for her issues with her son, you have to try to stay out of it as much as you can, and tell him that he really needs to step up to his mother and tell her the way it is. If you two are going to have a life together with your baby then she needs to butt out. This is a hard situation, and I suggest some family counseling for all of you. If the mom refuses to go then I would get counseling for yourself, so you can learn how to deal with her in the future. As for you getting sick and stuff a lot, that's normal during pregnancy (at least it was for me) and I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to walk around a strange town by yourself. She's stupid if she thinks it would be safe for you or her future grandchild. Just try to ignore her stupid comments. Good luck hon! Congrats on the baby, I'm sure you will be a GREAT mommy!

Answer 11

try to work things out with her before the baby is born, both of you make a list of the things that you want to do and what you expect from each other and try to come to a compromise, you might find that she will be more of a help to you than you realise. If you keep her away from your child then he might grow up to resent you for this so try the compromise. Good luck

Answer 12

well i don't think keeping her away from the baby will help anything. if anything it will cause more animosity. tell her that you will appreciate her help or advice and when you need it you will be sure to ask for it.

i too have an overbearing mom. i lived with her when i was pregnant and for 2 years after my daughter wa born. she picks out Kylie's clothes, tries to tell me what to put on her for the day. tells me what to buy her when i go to the store. the only thing she wont do is maske her go potty, and make her eat. she says that she will go when shes ready and will eat when shes hungry. oh well

i hae 15 more years of this. however it wont be so bad when we move.

Answer 13

Before I begin, you posted this, you should accept opinions in response - I don't expect to be sent shirty emails 'cos it's not what you want to hear. If you don't want my opinion, just give this answer a low rating & ignore it. Thanks.

1. The only way you'll even start to make her think of interfering less is by being a good mother - this may not even be good enough, some grandparents are still 'interfering' on their deathbeds - but it's usually done for the right reasons.

2. Absolutely not - you're acting like a spoilt kid, your boyfriend is obviously **** stirring, as he's been telling you what his mother said about you rather than shut up to keep the peace. She's done nothing except provide you with a roof over your head after you threw a tantrum with your father.

And you're six months pregnant, not ill or disabled. If you're living under someone else's roof, your family or otherwise, you should have a bit more in the way of coutesy & manners. These people are trying to help, not hinder you. Have you cooked, cleaned or shopped for your dad or mother in law? Not liking walking or buses is not an excuse.

It's very difficult to ask this sort of complex question here: I wonder what people would think if your boyfriend, father & mother in law were given the opportunity to comment here.