Do you tell your adopted children they're adopted?

Question

I know some parents who adopt and do not tell the child until there in their teens, some do not tell them at all(the child finds out by accident), and others who tell them as soon as they feel the child/children are ready.

Do you tell your children or not? Why and if you wait, what is your reason for waiting?

Answer 1

Yes when they are old enough to understand.

Answer 2

I am adopted and have know about it all my life i grew up knowing it and it was never an issue,i have heard horror stories of people finding out and being so hurt so as an adopted child i would say tell them and it will never be a big thing if you don't and they find out they may end up hating you,i feel very special and have had a great life i am so glad two loving people adopted me.

Answer 3

Yes, although we are adopting older children and thus they will know but if we had adopted a baby, all the literature says to let them know how happy you are that you adopted them and how blessed you are after they were adopted.

Answer 4

I'm adopted and don't remember being told. I've always known. People will ask me when I found out I was adopted and I like to ask them, "When did you find out you were a girl? Did someone sit you down on your sixth birthday and tell you?" That would be ridiculous. It needs to be something that is always a pert of the child's life because it is a part of who they are.

Answer 5

Yes tell them, and let them make their minds up if they want to see or hear about their birth parents, i imagine most children would want to know, and they have a right to know, and they have the right in time to look for their birth parents, you just be there for them in case they get hurt, just like a mother is.

Most children that know they are adopted still count their adopted parents as their only parents, because their adopted parents were brilliant parents, which is right, good luck making the decision, i can understand why your not sure.

Answer 6

I was adopted and have 2 adopted children- and I was told from before I even knew what the word really meant- and so were my children.  I think it is important for adopted children to know immediately- because if they find out later in life, it could hard for them- why?  Because if their AP's kept it a secret the child could take that to me, adoption is not the best thing to happen to them. I am very thankful that my mom told me early.  Waiting to me only causes problems later

Answer 7

I'm just going to put this short and sweet, which is so unlike me.  Here's my policy. DO NOT LIE.  Not telling is lying by omission.  Lying by omission is no less lying than is lying by commission.  DO NOT LIE.  Do not cheat your children out of the truth, or risk losing their trust in you.

Answer 8

After 20 years in adoptions, I have never met parents who formally adopted a child and did not share this information on a regular basis from infancy on up.  However, occasionally, I meet parents who have informally adopted a relative and did not tell the child until later in life.  Or, in some cases, adopted more than 25 years ago and did not share the information until later on.  But, THIS is one of the reasons to go through a good agency to adopt.  There, you will receive the latest up to date information on adoption.  And anyone who adopted through a good agency in the last 20 years has been counseled about how important it is to begin to share your FEELINGS about your child's adoption from day one!  By the time you are good at talking about it, they are beginning to understand not just the feeling, but the words.  Then you begin to answer just the question they have asked of you (usually between age 4 and 9).  "Telling" a child they were adopted is passe and not advised at all these days.  Gradual and positive feelings and then answers -- they are always "ready" for that!  Waiting for a big, loaded, heavy story?  Overwhelming, hurtful, and confusing.

Answer 9

Definitely tell the child.  My parents told me I was adopted before I even knew what it was.  I've known for a long time, and what I went through was I guess a half-open adoption.  I am in contact with my birth mother, but not with my birth father.  I know his name and a little bit about him, but we choose not to stay in contact with him.  If you wait, your child may resent you.  If you don't tell them at all... they WILL find out and are likely to resent you increasingly the longer you wait.  Just a little advice from an adopted child.

Answer 10

Tell them as soon as they are able to understand. Even as a toddler the child can learn his/her adoption story in age appropriate terms.

Being adopted IS part of their life and should not be left as a secret. Better yet is knowing the birth family and growing up with no hidden facts.

Answer 11

i am not a mother myself but i am adopted and personally I think that you should always tell your child that they are adopted.  This is the best cos if they find out one day by themselves they will be angry at you cos you didn't tell them. One day they are going to want to know about their family and you have to be prepared to answer questions.

Answer 12

There is no READY.

If you, as parents, were blessed by a birthmother to have this child in your life then by all means share that joy with your child at the beginning.

There will be stages in his life when he will wish he was like all the other kids, and wasn't adopted. They will pass. This day in age, adoption is so much more acceptable. This information is vital to a child's well being. The parents have not right to keep this information from their child. It is deter mental to the parent-child relationship to wait for a specific date, age or stage of life.

If you want to know my thoughts further - as an adoptee and adoptive mother. See my article at www.adoptive-parenting.com/growing-up-ad...

Answer 13

definitely tell them as soon as they understand. it is not fair to do that to a child. i was adopted about a month after birth and i knew about ever since i can remember. my parents bought kids books that explained adoption. it made life so much easier i couldn't imagine not knowing and then finding out when i was a teen. i would have hated them for lying to me all those years.

Answer 14

Not telling should be a crime.  It's not the 1950s anymore.

There is NO excuse for not telling, and telling EARLY

Answer 15

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!! i was adopted. my parents have been telling me my entire life. so i know i am. since i was a baby they use to say "ohhh where soo glad we adopted youuu!!!". so ive ALWAYS known, and im 18. now i know some of my friends who are also adopted, and just found out. some of them wont even SPEAK to their parents now. also, if you dont tell them, its gonna come up sooner or later that if they dont look anything like you, or even when their older and go to the dr and the dr ask them for their medical history...trust me. tell themmmm!!!!

Answer 16

There isn't really any good reason to keep this information from an adoptee.  Ever.  All people deserve to know where they are from, who they are...and the truth about it, at least to the very best of the aparents knowledge.  A child who is told from the beginning that s/he is adopted will have their entire life to work through issues that will TAKE their entire life to work through.  An adoptee that is told later is being robbed of valuable time during his/her life that s/he will never get back.

Answer 17

Always tell them. They should be told age appropriately always. They should know from as long as they can remember. it is the ultimate betrayal to find out any other time any other way!

I listen to adult adoptees on this topic on a regular basis!

Answer 18

Yes tell them otherwise when they finally find the truth they feel like it's been kept secret like it's something to be ashamed of. Be open and honest from the time they are little and they'll feel proud not shame

Answer 19

I suppose it's up to the individual. I was told when I was 11 and was shocked and have felt lost ever since. Plus I was told by my adopted mother she never wanted only my dad did. But I also know of someone who is nearly 18 yrs old and doesn't have a clue. It is sad and a hard decision to be made. It is life changing. If I had adopted children I guess I would tell them so there are no secrets.

Answer 20

I would do it at like 6 and just talk about it randomly so they remember. I know if i would tell my son whos 6 now he would say oh really and thats about it. Its easy to tell a child things and they cant get mad at you.  And they arnt going to stress over it like young teenagers would.

Answer 21

Here's the kicker: According to "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier, an adopted child already knows something is wrong! Whether you tell him or not. That being said, they don't always know what is wrong, such as in my case, where they told me I was adopted when I was about six years old, but I had no idea adoption caused chronic depression and post traumatic stress, so for years, twenty years or more, I was absolutely sure I must have been a victim of unremembered child sexual abuse.

I actually figured it out myself, when I was 33 years old, I realized that my deepest hurt was the loss of my birth mother. I wrote about that idea for a month or so before I searched the internet for any confirmation of such things and found out about Ms. Verrier's book, which I soon after read.

I think it's better if you tell children both that they are adopted and that it may affect them negatively the rest of their lives so they can seek counseling and at least know to watch out for any issues regarding it. No one should have to wait 33 years and figure it out for himself only after spending his adult life searching for answers, and even almost becoming a psychologist, though giving it up to continue the search elsewhere.

Answer 22

By NOT telling adoptees about their truth - you perpetuate the myth that there is something WRONG with adoption.

It is where the child came from - not telling them would be A LIE.

The RIGHT TIME - is from DAY 1. Forget this - "oh - when they're ready stuff." What crock. If you put it off - you'll always find reasons to keep putting it off.

I was told from as early as I can remember - it was never a 'shock' announcement  - it was where I came from.

Those that have been told at various stages - later in childhood - or later in life - have found it harder to cope with - and have had a harder time dealing with the information - in most cases.

It is part of the adoptee - they have come from another family - telling them anything different - or hiding that information from them - would be wrong.

Answer 23

The recommendation by psychologists is that you tell the child from very early on in terms they can understand, so that it is normalized for them from the time they are very young.

What you definitely want to avoid is some big "revelation" where you suddenly spring it on a child who is older and has believed all that time that they are the biological child of their parents. This is FAR more traumatic.

I am adopted, and I knew from my earliest memories that I "grew in another woman's stomach", that she loved me very much, but was unable to provide the life for me that she wanted, and I knew that I was wanted and loved by her but that she gave me away so I could have a better life. And that is the truth - I now know my birth mother, and I know how her life was then, and she made the absolute right decision for both of us.

Answer 24

This is something only the parents can decide but advice may help.

I have a 14 yr old and she is mine but her biological father has never been around. My ex husband came on the scene when I was pregnant with her and we decided then to always tell her the truth. My ex husband is her Dad, in all ways that matter. When she was a lil one we told her that Daddy was her special Daddy because he picked her. As she grew we told her more and now at 14 she knows all and has never been affected negatively by the truth.

Also, My brother was adopted out by my mother and he recently found her. He was 45yrs old when he found out he was adopted and he only found out because his adoptive parents passed away and he found documentation about his and his siblings adoption. He was devastated and still is very hurt that his parents never told him the truth.

I think to grow up knowing the truth is the best way but it is the parents ultimate decision. But every person hates lies and secrets, so consider that...The truth is always best.

Answer 25

Tell them!  Talk about it frequently, even when they are babies and don't understand.  Make it something they grow up always having known, not a huge revelation.

Answer 26

I think it's better to tell them since they're young because they'll feel betrayed if you don't let them know at all, or if you waited until they were older they might feel like awkward/depressed or  something, I think the best way is to tell them that they're adopted since they're young, and just say that their birth parents couldn't take care of them, so you adopted them and when they got older, you could talk more about it with them. That's what my professor did. :)

Answer 27

My girls have always known.  I've made them each a "Where did i come from" book with pictures of their birthfamilies.  When they were little we read it nightly.  I always try to approach their adoptions with honesty, love and respect.

Answer 28

Yes you tell em. So they can look up teh parents if they want to.

Answer 29

My five children knew they were adopted from the first moment they could comprehend what adoption was.  About 3 or 4, according to the child.

I know friends who never told their children, and it caused the children to feel that the parents had been ashamed of the fact that they had adopted parents.

There is nothing to be ashamed of, so why hide it.  I told them they were special.  That they were chosen and they were not born under my heart but in my heart.

Be open and honest and be proud of them and yourself.

Not telling them will cause problems when they are older, because of the fact that you were not honest and you tried to hide it.

Answer 30

at a certain age yes

Answer 31

I would tell them early. There are plenty of books for as young as 5  and 6 years explaining adoption. You have some parents say wait only to harm the child when older. No family should start out with lies. My advice is to always be truthful and answer their questions as best as you can. The child will understand and love you for that.