Do you think I'm being selfish?

Question

Me and my fiance only want family (with the exception of best man and wife) at our wedding ceremony and reception, but just recently my younger brother (who is 20) has asked his friend from work (who is a younger female, and apparently has a boyfriend) to my wedding who no-one else knows but him, I did say she was welcome to come to the evening party, along with our friends, but my mum who is all in favour of her coming, says she lives too far away to just come for the evening party, so would need to stay over at their house in order to attend (my brother still lives at home), which means she would be there throughout the ceremony and day reception too.

Now I don’t want to sound selfish but, me nor my fiance know this girl or have even met her, so to have her there on "our" special day just feels wrong, if she was a long term girlfriend then I'd have probably been ok with it, but she is only "his" friend.

Am I being selfish?, or should I let her come, as I don’t want to upset or offend anyone.

Thanks!

Answer 1

I would just let it go.

You already have a lot of stress to deal with, just be an adult and let this one go. If it was a group of people, or A LOT of people doing this, then you should speak up, but really it's just ONE person, who is a friend of your brothers.

Move On.  

Answer 2

You could just let it go if it is going to cause more stress and tension but I do think that it is your big day so your brother should not have even asked in the first place. Either way let us know what you decide!!!

Answer 3

this is your day. your wedding day. it should be just the way you want it. i dont think your being at all selfish in wanting your wedding day to be exactly how you have planned it.

i think you should talk to your brother and remind him of this. guys tend to be a little thoughtless sometimes about what a wedding means to a girl. hopefully he should understand.

sharon b makes an excellent point too that it could cause tension with some of your close friends if they know a girl you dont even know came to your wedding when they were not invited as it was a 'family' only affair.

i can understand you not wanting to upset anyone but this is your special day  and even if you feel it is a little selfish surely just once in your life you are entitled to be on this occasion.

Answer 4

YOUR wedding day is just that YOUR DAY! If you don't want her there for the day then just say so! If she lives too far away then that is not your problem then she can stay at theirs after the reception party but she will have to make her own way there (AFTER the wedding)

x

Answer 5

No, you are not being selfish. It is your day, and up to you who attends. Apart from anything else, how are your friends going to feel if they find out that a complete stranger went and they couldn't? Tell your brother to uninvite her!

Answer 6

Yes, i think you are being selfish. everyone should get a plus one, maybe your brother wants someone there thats going to be with him (rather than being sat at the table alone while your family all chatter etc) doesnt matter if she has a bf, he obviously thinks a lot of her if he chose her!) Let her come too!

Answer 7

In my view you are definitely not being selfish but perfectly reasonable.

Put your foot down - go with your gut instinct - if she was going out with your brother then she would perhaps be classed as 'possible future family' but she has a boyfriend.  Something doesn't seem quite right here.  And do not worry about upsetting people - its your wedding and what you say should hold - your family should respect that.

If you give in it'll just gnaw away at you.

Answer 8

It might not be selfish, but it's more stress than you need.  Seriously, I would just let it go.  You will probably not even notice her there anyway, you'll be so excited and high from just being married.  Don't let it ruin your day.

My older sister is having a family/close friends only wedding on Saturday (40 people) and my younger sister and I are the bridesmaids.  At the head table will be my and my fiance, the happy couple, and my younger sister and her date.  It's Monday, the reception is Saturday.  My younger sister doesn't even know who she is bringing yet, and the only think my older sister has said about sitting at the head table of her wedding with a complete stranger is: "I need his name by Wednesday so I can make a place card".

Just go with the flow, it's only one person, for just one day.

Answer 9

Nope not selfish at all - if your friends are not going to be there when why should your brother's?

Also i dont understand - if she works with your brother I assume she can't live all that far away.

Also, if she has a boyfriend I wonder what he thinks about your brother taking her to your wedding - its more than i would expect from someone who is just a friend.

However, if saying no is going to cause more stress and rows then let it go.

Answer 10

Yes. It would be a lovely gesture to let your brother have a friend attend.

Answer 11

What a mess!  Your brother can't do the inviting to your wedding!  As long as you've agreed that the two of them can come....you really have a problem...you can't un-invite them!

Your brother was totally out of line.

Answer 12

I would let her go. When you have a wedding most people want to bring a date!

Answer 13

Here's what it all comes down to - did you tell your brother he could invite a guest?

If so, then it's not your place to decide, at this point in time, who he can choose.  If you extended the invite, it is his choice on who he brings.

If you did not tell him he could bring a friend, then you have every right to say that he's flying solo.  Talk to your mom about the best way to approach him.  

Answer 14

He shouldnt have been allowed to invite someone!!! It is your wedding, since when does the younger brother get a say on the invite list! This is crazy. Tell him he is out of order and she cannot come. You are going to have to pay for this girl's food etc and you don't even know her! You are not being seflish, you are totally right. I would be peeved if this happened to me!

I get that you dont want to offend anyone, but I wouldnt really care if I ended up offending some girl who I had never even met. Its probably not her fault, its your brothers really! Get him told! Lol!

Answer 15

No, I do not think you are being selfish!  You have every right to limit your guest list to whomever you wish!

He absolutely should not have gone on his own and done this; that is in very poor taste.  

At this point you have two options:  

1.  Let her come, but take brother and mom & anyone else you see fit aside and tell them in no certain terms that this has put you in a very awkward position.  Now, if anyone else finds out that he's bringing someone, they might want to bring someone too.  Tell them they have to respect your feelings on this and keep their traps shut so no one else knows she's coming.

2.  Tell him to call her and apologize for inviting her without checking the details first.  Have him tell her that he didn't realize it was a private ceremony and that he's sorry but she will not be able to come.

Either way, it's uncomfortable, but I think those are your only two options at this point.

Oh, and then strangle him!

Answer 16

That's just weird. And kind of stupid. If you let him bring a guest, how many more people are going to try to pull this? All of the arrangements were made, so just tell him, "Sorry, we already did all the planning - we just can't fit her in after all. We don't even know her." You would have to pay for her food if she came.

And already having cut family out, then letting some random stranger come? No way.

And what the h**l is she doing "sleeping over" around your brother when she has a boyfriend? and your mom approves? If she works with him, then she can't live terribly far away. (I'm sure you said your brother still lives at home in a different post.) Put your foot down. There is some sneaky, crappy stuff going on, and there's no reason to taint your wedding with it.

Answer 17

No it's your big day and you don't know her.It's just weird.  

Answer 18

I had a similar situation, but I was trying to convince my husband that my stepbrother's girlfriend's cousin should be able to come at the last minute (sounds odd, but it's a long story).  

If she was already invited to the party, I don't see anything wrong with having her there the whole day if it doesn't put anyone out, or cost any more money.  She's obviously not just coming because she invited herself, and she has out-of-town issues.  Honestly, you won't even care that she's there, because you'll be so wrapped up in the fact that it's your wedding day.

Oh, but even after all that... it is you and your fiance's decision.  If you really don't want her there, then put your foot down.  End of story.  

Answer 19

I would have a talk with your brother. Ask him why he decided to ask her when he knew you only wanted family and he knew that she had a boyfriend. See what he has to say about it. Maybe he feels uncomfortable going to the event alone. Or maybe he just figured he would be asked to bring a date.

I would see what your brother has to say then base your decision on his answer. Depending on what he says you can say, "ok bring her" or "Could you please tell her that your sister has decided to trim the guest list and he cannot take her after all."

Answer 20

Tell them to stop it-Tell them no she can't come.

This is your special day not theres & they are taking over

Answer 21

No you are not being selfish. if your brother had invited someone that you all knew that would be different and imagine how awkward its going to be for her not knowing anyone either. i think your brother was just plain rude and if he wants someone it should be someone close to your family or no one at all.

Answer 22

no you are not being selfish its your big day and you have the right to invite who you want if you haven't even met her then why should you invite her just tell everyone you are happy for her to come to the evening party but thats all and congratulations hope everything goes well x