Do you think I'm doing the right thing?

Question

My grandfather has Alzheimer's and we don't know how much longer he's going to be around. Everyone but me visits as much as they can. I know I should see him and all, but I don't want to remember him like that. The last time I went to visit he didn't remember me and I ended up sitting outside the entire visit in tears.

Do you think I'm doing the right thing by not visiting and remembering him like he was before everything went bad?

Answer 1

thats what happened with me and my grandma when i was ten. i cried and wouldnt eat for a week, but i ended up seeing her. even though you will feel really bad and you dont want to remember them like that, you want to spend as much time with them as you can. i hope everything turns out alright.

Answer 2

well idk i mean you already know he has alzheimers so you will probably always think of that anyway. and even if you do visit him you will still have the good times to remeber. im sure he still enjoys visitors even if he cant remeber who they are. think of him. not yourself.

Answer 3

Not bad, he does not know anyway.  I have had two in my family like this.  My Father and my Grandmother.  I was able to see them often and I do remember them that way as well as they used to be before the Alzheimers.   Do not let this bother you, if you can go later then go, if not just let it be.  There must be others in the family that are going to see him.  If he could  tell you about this I am sure he would say it is OK to stay away.  Let it go, this kind of thing could follow you for a long long time.  You are OK!!

Answer 4

i think ur doing the rite thing. itz ok if u want to rememba him 4 wat he wuz. theres nothin wrong wit that, that i can c.

Answer 5

Thats a tough decision. I would still go and see him, but maybe not as often as you normally would.  

Answer 6

I think you're doing the right thing. Keep the good memories that you have of him.

Answer 7

You have to do what is best for you. Think about if you will have regrets later, like not having said goodbye. Here's the thing, he doesn't know (remember) you were there, so it is really what is best for you. I always approached my grandfather's situation with humor, he had Alzheimer's as well. I went in with fun stories to tell him, even though he didn't understand. I took things that had meaning for both of us and would show him (like a book he read to me as a child and I returned the favor  reading it to him). I believe at some level it comforted him, and me too. I went in knowing that he wouldn't remember me and it is sad, but by going, I was able to say goodbye in my own way. You have to decide what is best for you, as I had to decide for myself. One of my siblings was not able to go and felt much like you do. It is ok.

Answer 8

you are doing the right thing you should have a happy memory of him and don't worry it is ok to want that

Answer 9

I don't know how old you are, but you have to go with your own feelings.  If you don't think he will remember you and you feel that seeing him will affect you badly throughout your life, then you must act accordingly.  

When my father died, for instance, I did not want to see his body, so I did not see it.  I have never had any regrets about that as I just wanted to remember him as he was when he was alive.  My sister however told me that I would never forgive myself this.  But I have never regretted my decision.  It has to be your decision and you have to feel comforable with it.

Kind regards.

Psalmist -

praying for you as any psalmist would.

Answer 10

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have the good memories of him. You know you love him, and thats all that matters.

Answer 11

Have you seen the notebook? The man tried as hard as he could to make his wife remember him. He knew it was better to have her love him for only 5 seconds then for her to never remember him at all. Just spend time with him.

Answer 12

only you can answer that, only you will have to live with how you truly feel about it.

Answer 13

You are doing the right thing. That is a good way to remember your grandpa. Maybe if you see him one more time just tell him you love him and good bye. Even if he doesn't know who you are...it will make you feel better that the last thing you said to him was i love you. I dunno im sorry...must be hard.

Answer 14

Only you can answer that. Are you going to regret not having gone to see him once he has passed away? This would be my only concern. If he doesn't remember you, you remember him. With Alzheimer's it is best to just let the person believe you are who they think you are. Telling them they are wrong will only upset them. If you want to build more memories for yourself, you can go and just spend time with him and let him believe you are who he thinks you are (Even if he believes you are just some nice nurses aide) . If you won't regret not seeing him once he is gone, then stay home.

Answer 15

You need to do what's right for you.  Everyone handles situations different.  

Answer 16

I am SO sorry that you're having to go through this...in truth, I went through the exact same thing with my great-grandmother two years ago. She had Alzheimer's and had forgotten almost everyone, and I avoided any chance of seeing her like the plague. When she finally died (on my birthday, ironically enough), it was not a relief by any means...but at her funeral, everyone was so depressed because although they knew it was coming, all they saw when they looked down at her body was that shell of a person she had been in the last months of her life. She had no mind, no heart, no soul...or at least, not the same mind, heart, and soul that was so loved by her family and friends. She was just a shell, and she couldn't help that...it's just how life ended up being.

Your grandfather's situation sounds very similar to that moment, and that doesn't have to be a bad thing--because as everyone else could recall only the sorrowful parts of end of her life, I hadn't encountered those moments (of my own free will, which I had at first regretted). All I could remember of her was when she was a happy and loving person, always so keen on sneaking bacon grease in her vegetables to give them more flavor than my dad's cooking (he called it cheating)...I remembered her modeling the most bizarre hats and shawls from her early days, and even her attempt at crude jokes when she had had one glass too many of wine.

And at that funeral, I couldn't help but smile at those memories--the ones I CHOSE to remember of her. Why force yourself to endure misery and the danger of losing those happy recollections if your grandfather may not remember you, or your visit? As long as he isn't alone (because that wouldn't be quite fair, either), I think that, when the time comes, he will understand your reasoning completely.

Please be strong, okay? It's hard...

<3