Do you think a failed adoption is the same as a child's death?

Question

CP, i have known the terms to be used interchangably. in this case, i refer to an adoption plan, at any stage before relinquishment (even after the child is placed in the home).

Answer 1

I have been there twice, and yes, it feels like a death in a way.  You have a nursery set up, clothes/etc. bought, a name picked out, etc.  You are waiting and counting days, expecting to be bringing home a new baby, and then you leave the hospital empty handed.  You have to go home and pack up all the stuff and it's very difficult!!  You definitely go through a grief/loss process.  I have never had a baby die or a miscarriage or anything, but I imagine it would be the same.  THe only thing that is maybe not as bad is that you know that the child at least didn't die.

Edit:  Julie R, I AM NOT a lunatic!!  Don't judge something you have no experience with.  You want everyone to listen to you?  Well, first of all, stop insulting everyone with a different perspective than you.  Unless you have been there, you have NO IDEA what it is really like and therefore, no right to judge or insult others who HAVE gone through it!

Answer 2

I think that if the baby wasn't born yet and you were expecting to get the child, and the mother decided to keep it....I think that would feel just like having a miscarage in your last trimester.

I think it would be very comparable to a childs death, if you are really close to the adoption and already very attached to the child.

Answer 3

I think it's a pretty accurate comparison.  I don't know if it's exactly the same, but the sense of loss is just as real and you go thru the same grief process.

Answer 4

No, I think it would be disappointing but  not the same kind of personal connection.

Answer 5

I would say no.

Any responsible adoption agency would prepare potentially adoptive parents that this is a possibility.  Nothing is certain until the final gavel falls in family court.  When we were adopting our boys, we didn't decorate their room until everything was certain because we were aware that something might happen with the adoption.

I can understand the disappointment that adoptive parents might feel, if someone had shown up in the 11th hour of our adoption and stopped it, we would have been very sad.  However, I also know from personal experience that the death of a child is extremely intense and nothing else compares.

Answer 6

Yes because you pay all the money to get the child and then at the last second before the papers are signed the mother decides all of a sudden that she wants to keep the child. You don't get any of that money that you paid back and to make it worse you don't get the child either which makes it really hard to deal with especially if the adoptive parents can not have children of their own because the wife or husband is infertile.

Answer 7

yes

Answer 8

I think for the women who end up with no child the situation is very similar.  My neighbor adopted a little girl and almost from the beginning the birth mother and father (separately - they were no longer a couple or anything) would call and say they didn't want to go thru with the adoption and wanted her to turn the baby back over to either the mother, the father or sometimes the father's mother (grandmother).  This went on for the entire six (6) months that the court allows before the final determination.  My friend was tormented and suffered horribly thinking that this child would be taken from her.  In the end they failed to appear at the hearing to object to the adoption and it went thru as planned.  But that entire six months my friend was an emotional wreck.

Another friend waited on the adoption list for years and had been told that a mother choose her and her husband to be the parents, went for interviews, paid the money, everything.  Prepared the room, bought needed items, and then the birth mother decided on someone else at the end - after months of preparation this is very much like a stillbirth!  These people want a child so badly they are willing to do almost anything to get one and they put their hearts and souls out for the world to review, file financial forms, have investigations look thru every aspect of their lives, their extended family, their s*x life, everything is questioned.  It doesn't take that kind of intense scrutiny to become a natural parent!  Some people don't understand the kind of pressure that adoption puts on the prospective parents and the emotional investment they make in letting others decide their fate like that.

Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

No way

Answer 10

I think NOTHING could compare to the death of a child.

I have had 5 miscarriages, and I am SO glad they miscarried early...before I got to hear a heartbeat, feel it moving, etc.

Yes, a failed adoption would be VERY heartbreaking, but I don't think it could come close to having a stillborn or having a child for any amount of time, and it be yours, and then to have to see and know he/she was dead...*shudders*

No, I can't say it would compare.

It is still a loss, yes, but NOT on THAT level.

Answer 11

i don't think that a failed adoption would be the same as a child's death. yes, there is an extreme amount of emotion involved in waiting for years for a child. after waiting for so long to get a child, be contacted that you have a child, and then have it taken away would be devastating for anyone. however, i do not think that it compares to the death of a child. the adoptive parents never got to know that child. i think that giving your child up for adoption would be more along the lines of the "death of a child" than a failed adoption.

Answer 12

Tish, could you please define "failed adoption"? I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this. One where the child is never placed with the adoptive family or one where the adoption disrupts after placement due to some issue or what.

Answer 13

I think it would be heart-breaking, but not the same as a death.

Answer 14

by definition no, but by emotional feelings i would have to say yes. i cant imagine having to live through that. losing a baby is losing a baby no matter how it happens.

Answer 15

No it is not the same thing, It just means that the adoption agency did not feel the child's best interest wouldn't be served with its particular placement, Farthest thing from death.

Answer 16

I’m sure it can feel like it even more if the adopted parents have had the baby/child for a few months, sometimes even longer. Look at baby Jessica her adopted parents had her for 2 ½ years before she went back to her birthfather. I think her adopted parents even divorced for a period, which can happen to a couple when a child dies.  Obviously the kid isn’t dead but the feeling I’m sure would be the same as losing a child to death. Because the adoptee parents have lost a child maybe not in the same way as the child physical dying and being gone from this world. But it’s a still a loss that is going to be extremely painfully.  The adopted  parents  would still have the Childs room made/ some toys and clothes etc. This is all what someone would experience if they lost a child to death.  The room would be a constant remind of what was lost, it would take time to go in and pack things up etc.  Now if a birthmother changed her mind before the adopted parents got the baby home, it  still hurt and be painfully but  i doubt to the level it would be  like if they had the child for several months or in the rare case years.

Why someone would imply just because they think differently then you do, that that makes them a lunatic. No wonder this board has gone to h**l.  Seriously if you don’t think its comparable to death of a child that is your opinion. Who are you to judge someone who feels differently, even more someone like Amy B who has personnel experience in this.

Answer 17

Absolutely not.  It may be the death of a fantasy, but it is certainly not the death of a child.

Only a lunatic would consider this the death of a child.  I'm afraid I have seen an extreme form of such lunacy.  The PAP had chosen a name for the child and had created a fantasy life around that child (who was not hers, not even born!).  

The mother decided to parent and, though she wrongly told the PAP that the child had died (out of fear of repercussions for telling the truth), the PAP began planning a funeral for "their" child!!

PAPs need to guard against becoming so invested in a potential adopted child.  It's yet another reason to outlaw adoption plans while the mother is pregnant.

Answer 18

No.  Some women who become emotionally attached to the child they anticipate adopting, will grieve for the child they "lost" but it is not the same as a child dying.

What you describe as a failed adoption is not a failed adoption but a failed placement.

A failed adoption is also referred to as a disruption and can ony happen after the adoption has become legal.

There is nothing legal about a failed placement.