Do you think adoption is an awful thing?

Question

I am 27, first child, boyfriend & I of 2 years( 2 years of arguing & fighting &one physical fight) jsut broke up, broke up last week ( hime knowing for 3 weeks now that I am pregnant) because he doesnt love me anymore. I am moing 5 states away to get the help &support I need now from my parents & he said he will pay support and come see the baby when he can (yelling at me saying this). I am wiling to give my life to this child & love and protect it with ALL I have.

Abortion is NOT an option, I am looking into adoption though. I jsut know the father & I know this will be a struggle with him out whole life! A child doesnt deserve to go through wondering when he/she will see their father! It deserves 2 ppl that love each other & can show it what love really is &what a family can be & stability is.

Tell me if you think I am crazy... I jsut want what is best for this precious angel, its not their fault mom & dad are like this and I think I can save it from alot early on.

Answer 1

You are very wise, you are thinking about the welfare of your child vs the stigma adoption will put on you. Pray and you will find the answer. You are right - your child does not need to be exposed to his/her father if this is how he will act towards them in the future. Best of luck

Answer 2

First no adoption is not an awful thing and don't let anyone tell you that it is. I was adopted and had a pretty good life. You have to make this decision yourself and should not let anyone on here influence you. As for the baby's father the way he is acting now may not be the way he acts one the child is born and he has a change to hold him/her. Alot of fathers have a change of heart once they see the child.The only question you have to ask is of yourself. Are you ready emotionally and mentally to raise this child? At 27 you know the answer to this. You must also remember that the circumstances in your life right now is not how the rest of your life will be.Talk to your family and get their input as they are the ones that truly have an impact in your life. Just take your time and think about all your options. The only ones that matter here are you and the baby. I am sure that you will make the right decision. Good luck.

Answer 3

I have adopted twice.  The second time, the birth mom already had 4 children and had her 5th when she was 22.  So, she decided to put him up for adoption.  I feel so blessed to have him and so amazed by her courage.  I really feel like children need a two parent home, but don't know how hard it would be to give up a child.  Good luck either way.  You are strong to even think about it.  We consider both of our birth moms our heroes.

Answer 4

I would never tell you that Adoption is the only choice you have to show your child a loving relationship between people.

I was married when I had two children with a Jerk...and it dragged on for too many years only getting worse. Eventually we divorced and did the whole Every-other-weekend stuff... Eventually, we both remarried and I have been able to offer them the chance to see a Healthy Relationship.

They were 15 and 16 (nearly) grown when I married their Step-Father. Now 23 and 24 they still have a tense relationship with their father and have occasionally made statements that they have been happy with the role model their step father has been in their lives. My Daughter has stated that she would not be the person she is today--without the role my husband has played in her life.

My point is that Adoption is sometimes a permanent answer to a temporary situation.

While the writing is on the wall that the father of your baby is a jerk and will likely not step up and be the kind of father you would have wanted to give your child--it is possible that along this journey of life you may well have the chance to show your baby a loving and committed relationship between two parents.

It may not be the "dream" you had for the life you might show your child--but, if the only reason you might choose adoption is because you are disappointed about not being able to offer what you dream would be ideal then you may oneday find yourself with the man who would have made your dream come true.... and would have loved your child just as much as he loves you....

just one thought to consider during this hard time in your life.

Answer 5

The best piece of advice I can give you is to get all of the information you can, both about adopting and about being a single parent.  Know your resources, your rights and responsibilities and make an informed decision.  Ask yourself if you are ready to be a parent.  I prefer this phrase to "keeping the baby" because you'll be a parent long after the child ceases to be a baby.  Being a single parent does NOT mean automatically being a bad parent.  And it sounds like moving closer to your parents will mean more support for both of you.  

Questions like yours come up on this forum every so often and I more or less have the same response.  Nobody can, or should, be telling you to parent your child or to place your child for adoption.  This is your decision and only yours.  

But you don't have to make a decision right now.  You sound like you are still reeling from the breakup with your boyfriend and what sounds like a stormy relationship.  Your decision can be, in fact, to not make a decision right now.  There's time to truly consider your options.  

Good luck.

Answer 6

As an adoptee, yes, I think adoption is an awful thing.  

If you don't have to do it, then don't.  You will always regret it, and your child will wonder why their mother didn't love them enough to keep them.

Answer 7

Its completely up to you.  If you feel that you can provide for, care for and love the child, then by all means, KEEP IT.  If you feel like you can't offer it a good life, then adoption is the next best thing.  Do not base your decision off of what you think the father will or won't do.  Its not about him.  Its about you and that baby.  LOTS of wonderful families are single parent families.  Don't sell yourself short hun.  It sounds like you could be a really great mom to this child.  

If you keep it, yes, you may have to deal with his/her father not being around, but at least he/she will have you.  If you give him/her up for adoption, he/she will have to deal with both biological parents not being in the picture.  Which would be harder to deal with?

Answer 8

It sounds good now, but wait until your babies first birthday or when you see another baby and cry your eyes out or you have dreams of your baby or you are unable to "get on with life". I'm a fmom. I know what you will go through.

If you decide to put your baby up for adoption, don't keep the secret, don't live a lie, it will only be worse on you. I wish you good luck.

Answer 9

adoption is not a bad thing, but he has to also sign over his rights for it to happen. But i do have to say this- it is not necessarily a bad thing for you to raise a child on your own. I have many friends (most of them) who were raised by their mother only, and they turned out to be very well educated, loving and nurturing mothers. Not to mention they are also very happy to say that their mom did raise them on their own.  If you feel the best thing for the baby is to give the baby up for adoption, do not beat your self up for that. You do what you feel is right...

Answer 10

If in your heart u know u cant give it the best life. I think that u are a wonderful person and i dont care what any one says. Any one who puts their child before them is a angle to me. Yes adoption would be good.

Answer 11

what it comes down to is what you feel is best for your baby. adoption is a great resource and they have open adoptions now, however, just cause the bio dad is not so dependable doesn't mean that your child will go with out a father figure. Listen to your heart.

Answer 12

You say, "I am wiling to give my life to this child & love and protect it with ALL I have."  That sounds like a good mother to me...  and you also said that you're getting support from your parents.  That's so good to hear.  I think you may be under estimating yourself.  

Your child may always have to be involved with his natural father, even if adopted.  Wouldn't you want to be there for him yourself to handle all of the struggles you know about?

Answer 13

I urge you to keep this child. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. My daughter's father & I broke up when she was 5 days old. I felt absolutely horrible that I had brought this child into the world & now she would grow up without a father just like I did. Then, I looked back at all the pain I suffered growing up just wondering what was wrong with me & why my dad wasn't around. My situation is still the same. My daughter hasn't seen her dad in 4 years(she is 6 now). All I can do is love her, let her know that I understand the pain she is going through and do my best to help her overcome it.

I think even if the dad never comes around, at least your child will still have one parent. It is hard and painful, but you can do it. Dont do something you'll regret and wonder about the rest of your life. At least sit & think on it awhile before making any decisions.

Answer 14

you sound so noble and strong! If you feel you cannot give the baby all that he/she needs, then i think adoption is a great idea. There are loving people, who are together that could give the baby everything it needs. But only if you feel you cannot. Your baby could have all his/her needs met from just one parent if you were willing to put everything you have into the child. Good luck with your decision, its a tough one

Answer 15

Hi Carrie,

NO!  I don't think adoption is a horrible thing at all.  I think it can be a loving and mature decision, if that is what is best for your child.

Looking at your resources though, it seems like you have a lot of options for your baby.  

You are 27, not a child by any means, and you have stated that you have the help and support of your parents.

You are also moving 5 states away from this man.

I know lots of loving and mature adults who were raised by a single parent.  There are many kinds of loving families, not just a mom and a dad.

The fact that you are considering these options, along with the help of your parents (who could serve as role models as well) shows me that you might have what it takes to raise this child as a single parent.  A single parent can show love and stability.  

Please stay away from your exboyfriend...you did the smart thing, if he hit you once, he'll do it again.  He should pay support and if he's willing to, make him.

Only you can make the decision for what is best for you and this child, but you obviously love the baby very much, and you have a lot of support.

I think you should get some counseling from a battered women's place.  Just because he only hit you the one time does not mean you are suffering from some abusive behaviors long before the physical violence.

Women in your situation often feel weak and disempowered.....that is what batterers do.  I think when you get some of your self esteem back, you will see that you have more to offer your child than you believe right now.

Please try and get some counseling (NOT from an adoption agency) to sort out how you feel.

I'm not saying it is ideal to have a father come and go....it is hurtful, but a consistent mom can make all the difference.  Please don't give up your child based soley on being a single mom.

You cannot imagine this now, but someday, the woman in you will heal and you may find a man ( a real man) to share your life with.  One who will love you, honor and respect you, and your child to....and if not, lots of single parents raise wonderful people!

I'm not trying to pressure into keeping your child if you honestly feel you cannot raise the child, but 2 parents does not automatically equal better, more money doesn't mean better......

You speak of what your child deserves....and you're right for doing this, but you also deserve to be a mother if that is what you choose.

God Bless you.  I leave you with the words of Christopher Robin....(Winnie the Pooh)...I have this in my children's bathroom...

You are stronger than you seem.  You are braver than you know.  You are smarter than you think!

Answer 16

Definitely not crazy. Adoption is a blessing for both the adoptive parents and the baby who gets to LIVE. I don't see a downside at all. Adults who were adopted love their adoptive parents, and often love their bio parents too, if they know the facts.

Answer 17

Okay your crazy.

Adoption isn't always a bad thing and it isn't alwyas a good thing. There is no law that says adoptive parents can't get divorced. If you have the support to keep your baby do it. It's what you want to do. Fathers have been known to come around in their feelings. Pregnant women have been known to get hormonal and act goofy. There was no guarantee that you and your boyfriend wouldn't have separated later in life. You have to always be ready to be without the other parent. Anything can happen. I think you will be fine on your own. You have your parents and who knows maybe the dad will come around once he sees his child.

Answer 18

adoption is a great idea especially if you feel you are not ready yet and that you wont be able to give this child the love it will need, but be aware feelings change make a choice but make sure you wont regret it. my sister gave her daughter 14 years ago i heard her daughter is very happy and very smart, her family adores her however  my sister married and she could has never conceinved even though she try she had four miscarriage it is really sad but life works in strange ways for many reasons. she regrets not given her daughter a chance but i believe her daughter is happier where she is.

you are a very kind girl abortion is never an option.

Answer 19

I am answering this from an adoptee's viewpoint and also the mother of 2 adopted children-  and I will say this- if you can raise your child with the help of your parents and feel like that would be the best for your child, then by all means do it- however, the way you talk it seems that it may not be. I love it that you are actually asking this question.  It seems like adoption is getting a bad rap these days (ok, no emails about this please, I have gotten enough of them already)-  if you feel 100% that raising your child would not be in the best interest of your child, then by all means place for adoption.  If you want to talk to someone who has had a great adoption experience email me.

Answer 20

If you are able to take care of your child, then your child shouldn't have to "go through" adoption.  Adoption is not the answer.  You will feel a terrible loss that will never go away.  Your child will feel abandoned no matter how loving the adoptive family is.  You are his/her mother.  If you don't love him/her enough to keep him/her, it will feel like abandonment.  That's how it feels from an adoptee's viewpoint.  No amount of logic can reason that away.  Many people will tell you that you are being very unselfish to give your child up for adoption.  And they would be correct, because in your heart you would be doing it out of love for the child.  The problem is that by the time you figure out that it wasn't necessary.  That it wasn't the only way to give your child a good life, it will be too late.  You will live with the pain all your life.  And your child will live with the pain of adoption all  his/her life.  Adoption is necessary when it is to save a child's life--literally, because the mother is incapable of keeping the child safe.  Even then, it is traumatic for the adoptee.  So, don't put your child through that if you don't have to.  I am an adoptive mom.  I am also a Child Support Worker for 14 years now.  You made a mistake by staying in an abusive relationship, but we all make mistakes.  The important thing is that you are doing the right thing now. You are getting far, far away from the abuse.  Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.  You can do this.  You can give your child a good life in spite of the challenges that lie ahead.

Answer 21

Why I think every child deserves two parents.....sounds like this one will have three. :-) I would not count on the baby's father.....but look to mom and dad for support.

Go with your heart and do not make a decision to you hold your baby.

Answer 22

Some people could be mean to it and like ya

Answer 23

ADOPTION IS A GREAT THING AND I AS I READ I DO FEEL THAT YOU WNAT THE BEST FOR THIS LITTLE ANGEL BUT THINK OF THIS ARE YOU SURE ABOUT GIVING HIM UP .. YES HE MIGHT BE BETTER OF WITH SOMEONE ELSE BUT ARE YOU READY TO LEAVE HIM OR HER TO SOMEONE ELSE

Answer 24

Not at all.

Answer 25

im sure youll make the desion thats right for you...good luck

Answer 26

I understand that you want what is best for your baby, But what i think is best is if you keep it and raise it yourself i am pretty sure your family and friends will help you out. I am positive that you will find someone one of these days that loves you and your baby and will take the baby has his own. There are a lot of single women out there that are in the same position that you are in and they raise the baby themselves. You sound like a pretty strong women. You will be a wonderful mom! All babies do need there mothers. There are programs out there that you can turn to if you need help. I hope that you make the right decision, You will be a great mom just remember that! And if you have to get child support he does not have to give it to you if you go through state they will take it from his check if he is working and they will mail it to you. Good luck and congrats on your baby. And please don't stress your not only hurting yourself your hurting the baby.

Answer 27

YOUR Child deserved the Best absolutely I couldnt agree more

and at 27 years old you are not a child

and your child DESERVES YOIU

DO NOT GIVE THIS BABY UP

Raise this child, love this child, you will not regret it

Answer 28

I have to tell you that I think even exploring the option is so very brave of you! I'm 28 and had my daughter at 17.  It was a huge struggle, but it sounds like you really have some support.  Don't worry about the dad, you can do this "alone" should you decide you want to.

Should you decide that adoption is best, there are so many amazing families that would welcome your little one with open arms.  You could even choose open adoption...

I wish you the best and want you to know that I think you're a very strong person, not to mention that you're brave for leaving a relationship that's abusive.  Good luck in whatever you choose.  I know you'll be ok and so will your baby :)

Answer 29

Your baby needs you first and foremost.  Babies need their mothers.

If you have family support and help, please consider keeping and raising your child yourself.

And do some research on what adoption really means to women who relinquish their babies.

http://writingmywrongs.typepad.com/writi...

Adoption truly is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Answer 30

adoption is a great thing-but it has its downfalls too.you basically dont need our advice.you need to search in your heart to find out what is best for the child.people always say you are abandoning your child but that is not the case.you only abandon them if you leave them defenseless with no one. I am 34. Have 2 daughters 3&13.and just gave my son up for adoption about 8 months ago bc of all the trouble and turmoil i have in my life and not wanting him to have to be without or take from my other children. I love my son and always will.i researched different options and met the people that were to adopt my child.i don/'t have regrets.i struggle with my 2 girls every day being a single parent.I know my son will have all the things i couldn't give him and god willing the adoptive parents want him to know hes adopted and want him to know us .every one story is not the same.so ultimately you are all that counts. Do what is best in your heart for you and the child .Call Lifetime Adoption and talk to Veronica .She is wonderful. She wont try to persuade you either way .They were a great help to me .

Answer 31

you will have a few months left before the child is born  many changes will happen to you.   you are upset right now many thoughts coming and going in your head  wait and figure out what is right say in a month.   you are undecided about this child many many times we change our minds about giving up a little one  in the end its your choice  do what is right for both of you