Do you think adoption really isn't for everyone?

Question

My husband and I have a 10 month old baby and are expecting another in 2 months. I really want to adopt in a couple of years when we're ready for another baby. (We're worried about cervical cancer, thats why our children are so close together.) My husband believes that adoption isn't right for him, and he could never love 'someone else's baby' as much as he loves his own. He believes that if God wants us to have more children, it will be biologically. I don't agree. I secretly think I might love an adopted baby more, and that if God wanted us to adopt, he would make it impossible for us to have children biologically, but leave us with the desire for more children...

Answer 1

That is true adoption is not for everyone. Heck having children at all is not for everyone, some people don’t want to have kids period adopted or natural.

Clearly you and your husband have seriously different views on this. It’s obvious by the way he feels the lord will provide you more natural children if you’re meant to have more children. Yet you feel the lord would open a door for you to adopt if you can’t have more biological children. No child should be adopted into a family where both parents do not both want the child. Also you should love your children the same, you should not love one more then the other, even more in the case where you have biological and adoptive children. It will just spell trouble on both sides if either feel you favor the other.

You might just have to be happy with the two children you’re going to have. Heck there are some people who want natural children and aren’t willing to adopt period even if that means they never have kids.  If you husband does not want to adopt you can’t unless it means so much to you that your willing to divorcee him, and adopt as a single woman or marry a man that is ok with adoption.

Answer 2

he's made it clear that it's not for him.

all the rationalization is fruitless.

Answer 3

If there is any doubt that he couldn't love a child as much, then absolutely do not adopt a child with this man.  It would not be fair to the child!  So many children's adoption get relinquished, where the adoptive parents actually take the child back where they got it, similar of taking a toaster back to Walmart where they purchased it and it didn't work.  

Also, if you believe you would love an adopted child more, it isn't fair at all to your biological children.  God controls all, except for the fact that when humans obtained intelligence by eating the fruit in the garden of Eden, they could make decisions on their own.  Many that we make are sins, and it would be a sin for 2 people with the attitudes that you do to adopt.

Answer 4

God is not in the business of separating families to soothe the desires of adopters.  Neither you nor your husband are educated about what it takes to be an adoptive parent, and from your words (i.e. you think you might love adoptees more than your bio children; your husband isn't sure he could love adoptees at all), it is clear that adoption is NOT right for you, even if you were to get educated.

Adoption is not a way to complete families or make you feel better.  It's a way to find families for kids who need them.  Babies rarely need new families - if their mothers had some support, they could keep their babies, and the amount of money it costs to adopt a baby in this country could go a long way toward helping that mother keep her child.

Answer 5

Adoption is not for everyone.  You should listen to your husband's feelings on this.

From experience you won't love either adopted or biological more or less.  Or at least you shouldn't.

Answer 6

God doesn't work that way.

And if either parent isn't 100% behind adoption, it should not be attempted.  At all.

Answer 7

No, I don't think adoption is for everyone.

Husbands can be a little funny that way, at least initially. I think they sometimes have a little harder time with the biological thing. Give him time. But in the end you both have to be 100% committed.

Answer 8

Quite frankly, if your husband is not enthusiastic about adoption, no one is going to let you have an adopted child.  To be fair to any child you would adopt, you should both want it as much as any baby you make biologically.  How awful it would be for any child to feel it is somehow "less" than the biological children in the family.

I don't believe God interferes in the kind of ways you and your  husband cite.  I think God gives us the capacity to love and we have to find the ways to share that love within ourselves.  For your husband, he will probably always be a great dad to your kids.  Why mess that up?

Answer 9

I think it's different for everyone. First of all, I don't see how you could love your potential adopted children "more" than your biological children. I would think you would love them the same. But I certainly can see how someone (like your husband) could have a hard time seeing himself loving an adopted child the same as he loves his own. Adoption is great, but only for people that are 100% committed and wouldn't treat the adopted children differently than their biological children.

Answer 10

No, adoption is not for everyone. You both need to be in full agreement.

You will be busy with your young family, you may even change your mind.

Enjoy today and the upcoming birth of your baby.

Answer 11

Yes, adoption isn't for everyone.  

If your husband isn't entirely "on board" with adoption and completely committed to being a parent to an adopted child,then certainly, adoption isn't right.  

It's not fair to pressure him or make him feel guilty about it.  Neither is it a judgment on his character.

It could simply be that adoption isn't right for him.

Answer 12

I was like your husband.  I was at resistant to adopting and did not feel I could ever feel about an adopted child what I feel about my bio children.  

However, my wife was very interested in adopting and I agreed to go through the process of becoming a foster parent.  A year later we started fostering two little boys.  I very quickly bonded with them and we happily adopted them as soon as we could.

They are every bit our sons.  Is this what happens to everyone...? no, it is just my experience.  I will say this, the dream of adoption is always different than the reality.  Some people who think of adoption as a 'miracle' or 'blessing' will find the reality is very different, just as I was pessimistic about adoption, and found it to be wonderful.  No one knows exactly how they will act until it actually happens.

One suggestion, you might consider waiting more than a couple of years before you adopt.  We adopted when our biological child was a teenager, and I think it was a the right thing to do.

Answer 13

Adoption is not for everyone, just as giving birth is not for everyone.

if your husband has told you he cannot love an adopted kid as his own, then you and he have no business adopting.  Period.  Just don't do it.

Answer 14

If that's the way your husband feels, DO NOT ADOPT.  It will only end in heartache for that child when  they realize that they're not loved as much as your other two children.

Don't use God to rationalize whether or not to adopt.  Us adoptees tend to think it's a bunch of bunk... and it's sometimes hurtful when outside people throw the God stuff at us.

You already have two beautiful children of your own.

If the need for more children is still there, maybe you should look into a foster program instead.  There are a TON of kids who need a loving home with great foster parents for a plethora of reasons.

That way you spare a child the heartache of realizing they're not wanted by yet ANOTHER parent AND you help out a whole FAMILY that needs it.

Answer 15

My husband and I had sorta of the same problem! I have alot health problems and they told no kids after 25 my body would not be able to handle it! They have told me this my whole life. When i met my husband i was up front with him and told him everything we where both 20 when we met. We decided to start early and had kids at 21 and 23. We had two girls but he really wanted a boy! We talked about adoption and stuff and in the end he really said he wanted a boy that was his! So at the age of 24 we decided to get my health checked out and see what the doc said about me. They said having a third child would be risky but should turn out okay! We went home and decided there where alot more pros then cons basically so we said if God wanted us to have a third child he would give us one if we didnt get pg within a six months we would stop and adopt. Well within the first month of us trying we got pg! I am now 25 and 26wks pg with a healhty boy! So really just trust your instinct!