Do you think adoption should happen when a child is very connected to the adoptive parents first?

Question

Or do you think child should be taken with or without the mathernal bonding? For example, traveling to another country and met with the child first to built up a connection first before taken the baby like Angelina, or do you think since the child it's already promised to you, you own it.

Answer 1

First of all, a true bond and connection will take quite a while, and would not happen by spending a few days in the country to bond.

Also, adoptive parents do not feel they "own" their child, but they follow the rules set by both the country and the agency. I know from adopting our 2 children from Korea, that in Korea you are not allowed to have the baby placed with you until you are ready to leave for the airport. Some countries countries do have the parents spend a few days in country with the child, however, a true bond will take much longer.

Answer 2

You don't own children.  Not birthed, not adopted.  You do not own children.

Children who aren't adopted as infants can have difficulties with attachment.  It takes patience and love to overcome that initial difficulty, and I can definitely see that it won't happen over the trip to go get the child.

Even newborns who are adopted at birth have trouble with bonding because it isn't the biological mother that they have known for nine months before being born.

Answer 3

you never own a child. if you have the option to visit and bond with the child first that is great but when you give birth to a child you are strangers. you can ask any adoptive parent and they will tell you they have that same instant love for the child so the bond can be built over time also. yes it is a bit harder if the child is older but it will happen. you get to know the child over time just like you would a child who you gave birth to.

Answer 4

Generally it takes months to bond with a child... so unless  you can stay in another country for that amount of time, and then up and take the child to another country, just when they get used to you.. I dunno it doesn't sound right.  Might as well do all the change quickly, and have them settled in at home where you can cuddle and spend a lot of time and settle into a normal routine like kids need.

Answer 5

when i chose to give my daughter up for adoption i didnt want her to go to a stranger. her adoptive mother was at the last sonagram, there during  false labor, with me for the last 2 weeks of pregnancy and there when i gave birth by c-section and stayed at the hospital with me and the baby for 3 day before they left.

Answer 6

Ok, no need to talk like it's a belonging....you dont own a child regardless of who gave birth to it.

I was adopted internationally and my father picked me up. I had no real connection to them but they are my parents and according to them, i adapted to that very quickly

Answer 7

Visiting a child for a few days or weeks is not really maternal bonding... that happens during early infancy and throughout development.  The real bonding can only happen over the months and years that you spend with the adopted child.

Answer 8

I was given the wonderful opportunity to go to all doctor visits and ultrasounds with my children's birthmother during her last trimester.  We were also given the gift of being in the delivery room both times, I held her hand as she labored and gave birth and my husband cut the umbilical cord for each child.  There is no doubt in my mind that gift their birthmother gave us, of being involved in the pregnancy and birth process, helped us to begin bonding earlier with the babies and that in turn helped the babies bond with right away.

Some people belive in the primal wound theory (which is the newborn experiences a loss when separated after birth from his/her mother).  Although I do understand there is a biological connection, I cannot believe the primal wound theory is the cause of all adoptee's problems as teenagers and adults.  Think of how many children not separated from their birthmother have issues.

And although you may not have meant it the way it was written, we don't own our children.  I read the following regularly to remind myself of that:

On Children

Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Answer 9

I think that if the child is already connected to the parents.....thats who they should stay with. Its a hurtfull thing for a child to be moved away from someone who already loves him. They are put through so much. They deserve to be loved and finally at peace once they reach it.