Do you think adoptive mom and birth mom can be friends?

Question

I don't think it's a good idea, but my sister, the adoptive insists on make friend with the birth mom, would the child be confused on who's his mother? I mean it remind me of that story in Bible, Moses's nanny is his birth mom,.. would that actually work out in real life?

Answer 1

Unfortunately for us, our son's birthparents did not want anything to do with him.  However, he was actually living with his biological grandparents when we adopted him.  They are truly wonderful people and we have a wonderful relationship with them.  There is no reason, in my opinion, why families couldn't be friends with birth parents.  It is all in the way that you explain things to the child.

Answer 2

They can be friends as long as the child never finds out their relationship.This kind of friendship is uncommon cause it's difficult for the birth mother to watch her kid grow up without being a part of it.I wouldn't suggest it unless they both know what they are about to face in the upcoming future and be sure not to mix their roles.

Answer 3

I mean it's possible but, there would have to be a very strict set of rules set forth regarding discipline, etc.  The way to explain best to them is that one gave birth and the other raises and loves with just as much love as the birth mom.  Or, you grew in ones tummy and in the others heart...

Answer 4

No the child shouldn't be confused if everything is out in the open. I mean technically the child would have two mothers one biological and one who actually nature and raise them.

A child is going to be confused no matter what until they become of age where they are mature enough to understand certain concepts. For example: At first your child knows your mother as grandma but they don't grasp the concept of that being "your mom" until they get older and actually understand the concept.

I agree there should be some boundaries set, but if they want to be friends then I would definitely encourage them to do so.

Answer 5

Children are NOT confused by having two mothers!  (Or four grandparents or five Aunties!)  Children cannot have too much love!

It is the ADULTS like you who are uncomfortable with this.  Not children.  Sorry - get over it.  It's your sister's decision, and her child's birthmother's decision.

Some people's lives are so enriched by having an open relationship with their child's parents or their child's birthmother.  They have to know their are risks, just like there are risks with not having openness.  Personally I believe it will benefit the child if all are respectful of each others lives and appropriate boundaries, and neither exploits the privilege they have.

Answer 6

Some times, if they're both open to it, and understand each other.  Rent that movie of Julia's- Step Mom. It might give you some thoughts on it.

Answer 7

I think it is a wonderful idea.  As long as the two women can agree on how to make the child aware who mom is.  Maybe the birth mom can be an honorary auntie.  I wish my adoptive mom would be a little more friendly to my birth mom.

Answer 8

i think that the child would be confused. I know i would have been. but- at the same time, i think that minimal contact- ie- school updates, pictures, important milestones, could be shared between parties.

this is a touchy subject. i know, after being adopted almost 27 years ago, i'm trying to decide whether i can handle meeting her- my mom insists she can't handle me meeting her because she would feel as though the "mother" title would be taken away from her- and given to the woman who gave birth to me. it is a question that must be given plenty of thought. can your sister handle seeing someone else raise her child- day in and day out? i think it would be impossible to see it so closely and not interject. good luck with the decision!

Answer 9

I think it is a great idea. It gives the child a way to know his birth mother without any awkwardness. If the two women can find a way to make it work, why not? The birth mother could be an aunt until the child was old enough to be told. Then both women could sit down with the child and explain why things happened the way they did. Either way, the child wins. He gets a great family, and the love of two mothers.

Answer 10

I'm glad you brought up the Bible. God designed us to have 1 mother and 1 father. Why change that unless we know more than God does?

There are psycho-sexual stages of growth and development that need the child to have the normal dynamics of 1 father and 1 mother. Why change the normal situation if it's not necessary?

Just something to think about.

Answer 11

My daughter knows who I am. She knows me as her birthmom. She is not confused in the least. I talk and laugh with Monica, and Katie knows who I am and how we all came to know each other. Its an extended family, and it works. Its an open adoption, so there's nothing for either of us to hide.

Making friends with the mother of her child is not bad at all.

I have been in her life in one way or another since she was born. I have been incorperated into bedtime and birthday stories. She knew me as Heather til she was old enough to understand the concept of adoption. The other day they drove past my old hometown, which is way out of the way, and she recognised the area and asked "if it was Posen, where her birthmom grew up?!" We were out of town that weekend, but we're trying to get a meeting set up in the near future before they have to fly back home to St. Thomas.

Our situation works. I see her once or twice a year. We keep in touch with phone calls and cards. Email is next.

Answer 12

I think it would be great for the child, you know the child may never know his/her mom, if the mom and the adoptive mom didnt know each other. It would eliminate the stress of the child. and I know that the stress is hard.

Answer 13

It depends on all people involved in the situation.

My adoptive mom has no desire to meet my birth mom and vise versa

I haven't even officially met my birth mom

Some people in this situation get along very well and can work it all out, my sister adopted a little boy and they have contact with the birth mom and everything is just peachy, pictures exchanged etc.

Answer 14

moses wasn't adopted.

natural mothers and adoptive mothers CAN be friends, but maybe the mother should just consider keeping her baby :)

Answer 15

Do they live close together (and I mean in the same state)?  I can only imagine that it may get more an more difficult for a birth mother to see the child that she bore growing up.

I suggest that they stay in touch, but not be close friends.