Do you think an abuser can ever REALLY change?

Question

I found out from his family that my boyfriend abused, in one way or another, his two ex-wives. (One physically, the other mentally/emotionally).

We have been together almost two years ... sure he can be a little jealous and a little moody (who isn't?), but he has NEVER mistreated me. He says that when he met me, he became a new man. I know it sounds suspicious, but I truly think he has changed.

My friends say that I am being stupid, and that even with counseling, he probably hasn't REALLY changed.

What do you think?

Answer 1

I guess it is "possible" but I subscribe to the belief that if a person does something more than once they can't change...

Just be very careful, and adopt a 0 tolerance policy..

Answer 2

Yes he can if he really wants to.  My father did a 360 change and so did I.  However my ex-wife won't because she believes she is "perfect."  So it's attitude and will power

that determines change (I think.)  Good luck!

Answer 3

They COULD completely change, but it's very unlikely.

He COULD have the same feelings but simply learn to bottle them inside.

If he has at least realized his mistakes it's saying something.

Watch .45 and Once Were Warriors (both great movies about domestic violence).

Answer 4

The general rule of thumb is "no".

If you want to know whether it's happened before, then the answer is "yes."

One case not too long ago had a man who abused his wife and daughter for years. He was found to have an abnormal growth in his brain, pressing against the part that controls anger. Once it was removed, he was entirely healed. It's the one case where the legal excuse "mentally ill" was a valid one. He never harmed his family again.

Let it be known that, short of the right tumor in the right place, the answer, unfortunately, is most likely "no." This is coming from a hardcore Christian--raised to believe that anybody can be cured, healed, Saved--the whole smash, but remember, you have to protect yourself first, and that may mean keeping a safe enough distance away from this love interest. After your safety ensured, THEN you can concern yourself with finding out whether he's truly changed or not.

As for why he wouldn't be showing signs of aggression now, I try to think back to a time where a teacher told me that they've actually had group therapy for abusers. Once in a comfortable setting, they admitted that they were nice at first, because, well, if they weren't, the relationship would end too soon for them to resume their habits.

I'm sure this sounds awful, but at least take a step back. That doesn't mean ending the relationship if you really don't want to. But taking a break for a bit always helps to see a more objective point of view. Professional artists do the same thing. It's easier to see the big picture if you pull away for a while.

Answer 5

I think it is inevitable that abusers 'Have' to change.  Whether they like it or not.  I think, unless they end up in prison.. there will come a point whereby they are forced to change.  Or else live a very lonely existence.  It is up to every woman to leave an abuser so that they realise their behaviour is unacceptable.  In your case, you haven't had any signs yet, so maybe he has done some soul searching and decided to really change his ways.  Worry if and when the time comes.

Answer 6

When you say you have been together for two years, does that mean you  go out and see each other regularly or does it mean you live together? If you are living together does he fear that you would leave him if he showed you a different side of him, marriage can change a lot of things, all of a sudden they have  more rights because he is married to you and some men all of a sudden think they now own you.Can two women be wrong? Why would his family tell you this unless they thought it to be true. Some say love is blind, it's hard to believe that the person you love could be an abuser, Unfortunately  things do change after marriage.If he has changed then good for him, but if he hasn't don't be afraid to save yourself, there is all kinds of help for abused women.Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 7

Of course they can. You have your majority cases where the abuser just makes excuses and lies about really changing to get their way and keep the situation in their control. But sometimes something happens to these people to make them want to change. That is the difference, the abusers who do not want to change do not, those who do, find their motivation and reason to do so. Maybe you were his? Many people do wrong to others and regret it, it is a reason to be cautious of course, but not to just deny them a chance to prove themselves to YOU despite their past.

Answer 8

No.

And i don't think I would stick around to find out.  Most people who are abused have a hard time admitting that their loved one is abusing them, people wear rose colored glasses when it comes to loved ones.

Answer 9

He may have changed , or that side of him just hasnt come out yet, maybe your personallity doesnt bring it out in him as much but if he has that kind of past then chances are it will happen again somewhere down the road, esp physically, men cant just change there personality, if he hits women he will eventually hit you.

Answer 10

How do you feel,  Have you ever felt uncomfortable with him.  Did he have treatment after his last marriages.  You know how he is now, does he come over as abusive.  ask yourself these questions.  Inside you know the answer.

Answer 11

I think people change all the time, especially when they have had 2 tries and sincerely wish to change.

But his change also needs your encouragement and rewarding.

Answer 12

I have it depends on who can push the buttons. aggresive people are a******s.

Answer 13

Is he really that great of a guy that you would risk it? I wouldn't want to be the person who tests if a former abuser is really a former abuser. Did he start abusing these women after they got married? That's something to think about, too.

Answer 14

From what studies and counselors say, abusers don't change for the most part. They can be temporarily nice, but will revert back to their ways if provoked. BUT, with the appropriate intervention and the WILL of the abuser to change..I believe it's possible. There's a lot of issues underlying the abuse, and the abuser has to be able to face it.  Most abusers don't want to face the insecurity and self-loathing that makes them abuse others, nor do they want to even face the fact that they're abusing someone.  It's only when someone admits that they have a problem...that they can change, but sadly most abusers never reach this point.

Being nice to you for 2 years doesn't mean anything. The "honeymoon" phase (when the abuser is sweet and charming) can last for years.Saying that "he became a new man doesn't mean anything either. Words are cheap, but actions speak louder. How does he treat others? Does he treat you like a queen, but is mean to other people?  That's a red flag.  I had an ex bf that was really sweet to me, but said HORRIBLE things to others. Guess what? Years later, that boyfriend was saying the same mean things to me.

Go with your gut.  If you feel something isn't right, don't stay.  Take care of yourself first before you feel sorry for him and try to help him...

The fact that you mention that he's jealous and possessive says a lot too, and I can already see that you're trying to minimize his behavior.  Next thing you know, you might be trying to make excuses for him when he DOES abuse you.

If I want to go with MY gut, I say he hasn't changed....But hey, it's up to you.

Answer 15

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.