Do you think bios should be a part of the grown (adopted) when they refused involvement before adoption?

Question

when my children got older the bios contacted them.I never kept them from them. But when the kids needed help they all turned their backs, I was grandmas friend and ended up taking them. The grandparents refused to take them as well as all other relatives. Now they are there for everything. I am jealous (I admit and it hurts). The children love me, but blood is thicker than water. I feel they have no right to any recognition. Bitter yes I am, but I love and adore my children and grandbabies

Answer 1

i am a product of a closed adoption so my experience is a little different, but you made a comment i had to respond to.

"blood is thicker than water" as true as that is i want you to see from another side. i am reunited with both of my bio parents and i adore them. i would lay down my  life for either of them and i can be pretty confident saying they would do the same for me. now, that being said, my bios are lori and jim, not mom and dad.

my mom and dad raised me, they nurtured me, they took my c**p when i was a jerk, they were my parents. nothing less. my bios know where my loyalities lie and understand. i will not call them mom and dad due to respect for my parents. it does not take away from the respect and love i have for them, but they just simply arent 'mom and dad'

family is thicker than water, blood or not. my parents come first, they always will. i wish i had a better answer for your question, but i dont. i just want you to know that just because you dont share genetics doesnt make you second. family is so much more than just a gene pool.

Answer 2

only if invited.

Answer 3

"they deserve no recognition"?  Regardless of the situation, they are your children's natural family and they do deserve recognition.  People change a lot over time, often times realizing the mistakes they made.  This could very well be the case with your children's natural family.  For whatever reason, they shunned them when they were children (you said they would not take them in), so do you know that they just did not have the resources to care for them?  It could have been any number of things.  Refusal of contact could have been due to the pain of seeing them.  Either way, your children are adults and are ALLOWED to have contact with them.  It is not about you.  You will always be their mom, but they have a right to know from whom they came from.  And if their natural family has seen the error of their past behavior and wants to remedy the situation, allow them.

Answer 4

I understand your fear & anxiety. It's a normal response for MANY adoptive parents when their children find their bio families.  It happens with divorced parents too, when a formerly absent parent re-enters an adult child's life.  Emotions run high.  It's painful to think your kids might love some one "better".  But take heart!

You mention that the kids cried for their bio family wondering why they weren't wanted.  Kids who've experienced that kind of 'rejection' fantasize that their bio parent(s)/family will realize how much they love & miss their kids & finally be accepted.  That has everything to do with the bio-family.  It says nothing about the love & care you gave them, or they feel for you.  

Be patient-with yourself and with them. Remind yourself that they don't love you any less as they explore this 'new' relationship.  Once the initial 'thrill' of reunion settles down, they'll likely fall back into a more normal schedule with you.  Nothing can replace the love you gave them and that they feel for you.  Our hearts are big enough to love many people.  You were able to love more than one child, yes?  So can children love more than one parent.  

The thought that "blood is thicker than water" is hard for adoptees to get our heads around.  Our families may not be "blood" relatives, but they are ours just as much!  I love Rachel's statement "families are thicker than water".  Absolutely!  

Continue being the loving parent & grandparent you've always been.  Take care of yourself.  Connect with a good friend (or two) and let her/him know you need some extra emotional support at this time.  

Warm wishes~

Answer 5

Yes, I think so.  It's about the child, after all, and how they feel about it.

Answer 6

What?  Could you clarify this question please.

Answer 7

Your adult adopted child and the natural parents are all adults.  They are legally allowed to make their own relationship decisions.  It is really up to them as to whether or not involvement is comfortable.

There are support groups for adoptive parents.  You may want to do a little research (maybe a Google search) to see what's out there in your area.  Even an online forum support group could prove helpful.

Keep in mind that how your children feel about you doesn't change simply because they have relationships with their natural parents.  In fact, I've known several of my adopted counterparts who have stated that their relationships with their adoptive families grew stronger after reuniting with their natural families.  But, that said, I'd venture to say that if they sense jealousy or resentment, it could possibly cause some conflict in their relationship with you.

Answer 8

It doesn't matter what I think.  Grownups should be free to make their own choices.  I am sorry that you feel torn about it.  Just keep being a great parent without passing judgment.  They know who took care of them when no one else cared.

Answer 9

Huh?