Do you think he should be told?

Question

My wife and I are going to adopt our nephew who will be born in december. We are going back in forth trying to decide if we should ever tell him about this when he's older. His biological parents are horrible people who can't, and probably will never be able to, take care of even themselves. A social worker is taken him when he's born and permanetly placing him for adoption however the parents wont ever know that we will be adopting him. My brother isn't around much but we still wonder if we should tell our son when he's old enough to understand or if its ok to just keep it to ourselfs.(OPINIONS?)

Answer 1

Yes you need to tell him. Its just not right not to tell him.  In fact you should start telling him from a young age even though he wouldn’t completely comprehend the word adoption it will be out there. There are  now many books about adoption for all ages of children. Plus you all just talking about it to him even though he wouldn’t get it will probably make you all feel at ease when you talk to him about it when he can more understand. Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of but keeping it a secret is like saying it is.

Its is unfortunate  that his biological parents are not good people however I would refrain from telling him that. It could make him feel badly about himself and make him think that he will be a bad person too. Depending on how and why his parents are bad obviously you should give information about them at an appropriate age.  He will be able to judge his bioparents on his own once he gets older and understands the entire story and perhaps even meets them. However their badness should not be something that you all  toot.. You can just say they could not care for him and they have made poor life choices and leave it at that.

Answer 2

I think it is better to tell him, but you may have to tell your brother too someday. Keeping it a secret will backfire on you eventually.

This isn't the exact same scenario, but my ex had a child at 17.The mother and he tried to raise it, but really weren't doing well. So, she gave the baby to her parents. In the end the little girl was raised thinking her mother was her sister. She is almost 10 now and is all screwed up because of this lie. I know that isn't the same thing, but my point is that the little girl would have been better off knowing what was going - rather than finding out that the relationship that she grew up with wasn't what was real and it effected her negatively.  

Answer 3

Please tell him.  Otherwise, when he finds out (and he will eventually), he will feel betrayed and will have a fantasy of fairytale first parents.

Answer 4

how awful- to even consider NOT telling him.

and please refrain from telling him his parents are "horrible people".  when you dis his parents, you dis his dna.

are you certain you are ready to be someone's father?

Answer 5

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

The truth sometimes hurts and as parents it is a very natural instinct for us to do everything in our power to protect them, but the reality is that sometimes we just can't, nor should we.

Your son will have the right to know everything: the good, the bad and the ugly.

This is a wireless world - it is almost impossible to keep secrets and when the truth comes out, and it will, the bond you created as a family will be undone by lies. Where if you tell the truth, no matter how painful, that bond you have will lift him up and develop a strong sense of self that NEVER comes through lies.

Your choice.

Answer 6

Honesty is the best policy. Children shouldn't be exempt from it.

Have you thought about legal guardianship for your "nephew".

Many families do this and it will be less confusing for him when he gets older.

Answer 7

Skeletons in the closet have a way of appearing. My oldest sister was adopted by my father (my mother got pregnant at 19 and she met my father when she was 21 and they were married). She wasn't told until she was 14 years old, she was traumatized by it and hated my mother for it. Her father came looking for her and found her through friends.

My ex husband was adopted, he was raised knowing he was adopted, they gave him an "adopted baby doll" to help him understand what it meant. He was fine with it, but when we started a family he did want to know who his parents were. That is completely normal.

These are the cards your little one was dealt, I understand your want to protect him and wanting him to feel secure and loved. You can provide that as well as the truth. One day it is bound to come out, especially since it is family. Bless you both for taking him and giving him a loving home.

Answer 8

He will be very angry with you if you keep it from him- because this kind of stuff always comes out.  And I think sometimes a person just knows they are not with their biological parents.  I'm not saying that in a bad way, I'm adopted myself.  He should always know he was adopted because his parents could not take care of him.  The rest of the details can come later.  

Answer 9

You should tell him. All families have difficult truths. Difficult truths are better than lies. It's better for families to support each other through the hard things than to deceive each other. Lying to your son would only lead him to far greater hurt down the road.

Answer 10

The parents won't ever know? I wouldn't count on that!

As I started to write the paragraph that follows, I realized that I'm not sure just what you're asking. Are you asking if your (future) son should know that you adopted him, or just if he should know your brother participated in the conception?

In my opinion, every child should know their own story. They should "know it" in the sense of having heard the words even when they are too young to know what the words mean. And they don't need all the details all along, any more than a child conceived and gestated on premises need to know at two years just how the egg and sperm were brought together.

Answer 11

So you want to s***w with the child's mind???

Never never never start relationships off with lies.

Children have a right to know who their bio parents are - and they have a right to know from Day1. (if you do it sometime down the track - it's always going to come as a shock. Make it part of his story from Day1 - his parents weren't able to care for him - you stepped in to love and care for him)

If you wish to be this child's carer/adoptive parents - you have an obligation to this child to tell him his truth.

Not telling would be an extremely selfish act.

Answer 12

Secrecy sucks.  Every human being deserves to know the truth of his/her own origins.

He'll find out eventually anyways.  If you really care for him you will save him from the pain of late-discovery betrayal.  Secrets always come out.

Answer 13

Not telling is not even an option to me.  That is his right to know.

Answer 14

yes, he should be told that he is a son by choice, not by chance, and that he was wanted .Too many are born into families that get stuck with an unwanted child, and it's life can be miserable.You can make a difference. He should have the information also about medical history of his biological family.There are inherited diseases or other factors that may crop up and it helps to have the information.But don't wait to lay the load on him when he is late teens. That often can have a bad response, better to work him into it slowly. I have seen the bad example, and it caused the boy a lot if grief.

Answer 15

Most definitely.  It is unethical to keep his truth from him.  It is also best that the truth that he is adopted be spoken from start.  This is what is recommended by professionals and those who've lived it.  I was adopted and always knew.  It was just part of my reality from the beginning.

Answer 16

Tell him.

As a parent, the first thing that you want is to be able to trust your child. But trust works both ways; the child will never be truthful to you if you have not always been truthful with them.

The truth will come out one way or another, whether it be from the careless slip of the tongue by a relative or friend, when your nephew starts to wonder why you don't have any pictures of your wife pregnant, or of the three of you in the delivery room right after his birth, when he starts to realize that even though there is some family resemblence, it's a bit too distant to make sense, etc. And when the truth comes out, he will have a very hard time trusting you, and that includes trusting you when he's in trouble or in danger, ever again.

He needs to be raised knowing that he was adopted. He doesn't have to know right from the beginning the whole story, but he should always be aware of when he was adopted. Once he's a little older, then let him know that his parents were troubled people that couldn't take care of him, and as he gets older, gradually let him know more and more. If he asks, tell him. Keep it age appropriate, but still make sure it's always the truth.

Adoption isn't something you should hide; regardless the circumstances. You need to make sure that he knows that he can always talk about his adoption with you. And, if he does feel comfortable with that, then you'll know that he trusts you, because adoption is often a hard thing for children to talk about with their parents. If you hide the fact, he will be ashamed of it, and he will become ashamed of himself, and you really don't want that.

It really is in the child's best interest to tell him everything.

Answer 17

He does deserve to be told but make sure you wait until you are positive that he is old enough and emotionally mature enough to be told. Don't make the mistake of telling him when he's too young.

Answer 18

He is not even born yet and you are already planning on lying to him?  Um, this is simple - tell him and start telling him from birth.

Answer 19

I personally don't see the reason why to tell anyone. I asked a question the other day about adopting process and stuff, and when i mentioned that i'm not gonna tell anyone or the child cause i don't see the reason to, everyone went beserk on me.

My opinion :

Telling anyone or even the child that its adopted will result to the following (personal experience from friends)

a. the child feels like a show off item, 'this is my adopted child matt, say hi matt'

b. no matter how well their life will be with the adoptive parents, it will always feel bad cause they know, that they got chosen cause they probably looked 'cuter' than another baby. Being picked out from a pile and knowing it, is NOT a good feeling.

c. the eternal question 'why me?'

d. Being mentioned or asked about being adopted makes them feel like you did it to show off yourself how generous you are and merciful and a good person, 'i adopted this child cause it needed a home'

e. if the adopted child finds it's biological parents, and they are extremly low-lives.  (lets face it, financially independant well educated people don't give up their children for adoption) it will literally kill them inside to know that they descend from people like that.

f. there is a chance someone will shout at it 'you were thrown away' at school just to hurt the child, and it will... severly.

Are you adopting the child cause you wanna expand your family?

no reason whatsoever to be known. It's unnecessary drama and it's never good.  

And, who cares? as i said in my question, deeds make family.  You're adopting for the child's sake or to expand your family, don't tell or the child will always think in its heart otherwise.  

Just check the books for adopted children :

'finding myself '

'my life as an adopted child'

and titles like that.

I've met 8 people who were adopted, 2 wished they never knew, 1 run away (she found at at 25) and never contacted her parents, 1 'lost himself' and did all kind of awkward crazy stuff, 1 find her biological mother and she was an alcoholic drug addicted and it threw her in depression and she regreted it. the other 2 we're twins, they got severly depressed cause though the years they got the 'thrown away' backtalk and it harmed them after all.  

the last one is a 13 year old child who doesn't know it yet, but when people see him, they whisper behind his back 'that's that family adopted child, he's from india'

i've heard about stories with people that didn't mind being adopted. And i'm not saying there aren't any.

I just never met one.

Answer 20

Honesty is the best policy.

Lies only hurt.  

If you did not tell him and he found out, much more damage would occur to him.  It should come from people that love him.

Answer 21

He should be told from the beginning. You don't want him to ever think that you lied to him, since that can damage the trust you want to build with your child. My daughter is adopted, and although she's way too young to understand, we've already told her.  

Answer 22

This child has every right to know the truth about his past. It is incredibly unfair to think you have the power to keep this kind of secret from him. Absolutely make sure he knows he was adopted from the moment you bring him into your lives. If you wait until he's older to tell him, you're just setting yourself up for resentment from him. And imagine the scenario if, later in life, his biological parents start looking for him and find him in your home! Everyone needs to know what's going on here!

I think it would be a good idea for you and your wife to thoroughly educate yourselves on all aspects of adoption. This is a huge thing you're about to embark on. Get all sides/opinions from all different people - adoptees, adoptive parents, and biological parents who've given up babies.  

Answer 23

yes i think it would be best to tell him when he is older like u said  

Answer 24

we adopted my cousin, whom was my dads niece. def. tell him.

Answer 25

You should absolutely tell him.  If he finds out later that your brother is really his "birth father" that can cause many problems.  I am adopted and I was told as soon as I could understand, and my hubby and I told our 2 adopted children when they were very young as well.   If he finds out when he gets older, it can hinder his relationship with you, and that would be terrible.