Do you think is good writing?

Question

Here's my first paragraph of my story. I'm really critical of it so far. What do you think I should change? Thanks for your advice. It's much appreciated.

First Day of school:

A warm late August morning in Lauderdale, Teresa Rivera, 14, White-Hispanic, big brown eyes and long purple tresses rode her bicycle to Washington High School’s front yard. She arrived at seven just as the homeroom bell rings. She parked her bike on the bicycle stands and made her way into Washington High. The halls were brimming with unknown faces, lost freshmen, and kids who looked way too old to be freshmen. This was the freshmen section of Washington High. She learned this at orientation early August. Her hopes of befriending upperclassmen were crushed since the school was divided in sections according to grade and all freshmen shared the same lunch. She drifted through the halls and entered a room 108, her homeroom class. She took a seat in the front row.

Answer 1

yes, there's nothing wrong with your writing; it's fresh, snappy and straightforward. the only thing is - all your sentences are small; you need a couple of longer ones in there.

only other point - you have absolutely no reason to describe her eyes  here; and her racial description might be better somewhere more relevant. keep to the facts and action, perhaps put a thought in to help the reader associate with the character.

the use of 'tresses' as hair is old fashioned and also too close to her name 'teresa'. if you mention her hair here, do it for a reason - that it was blowing across her face and she had to keep moving it back, taking her hand off the handlebar. or something.

but i like it. good beginning. good luck. hope you don't mind me barging in here and trashing your work. i hope my suggestions help. x

Answer 2

I think you should change your first sentence. It's unbelievably cluttered and didn't make me want to keep reading. The rest of it is pretty boring to me, but perhaps that's because I'm not one for school settings. You also say freshman way too much in the paragraph. That's bad. Other than that stuff though I didn't find much wrong with it.

Answer 3

DANG!!!!! I may not be a great writer, but you sure are!! This is very descriptive writing!! I could see this in my mind almost exactly.. I don't mean to be a bit critical, but some sentences such as "She arrived at seven just as the homeroom bell rings." The ring should be changed to rang seeing as you are using "as" in a past tense manner. Just a few changes with your grammar, and this story that you're writing will be the envy of all the people who see it!

Answer 4

It's alright. But I agree with the first answerer. YOu should change your first sentence, it' s too much of a mouthful. hope i helped. :]