Do you think it's ok to use inhumane tactics in order to "help" an adopted child to bond?

Question

I once read of an adoptive parent who gave her newly adopted child's food to their dogs when he refused to let her feed him and wanted to feed himself.

The child was about one and a half and newly adopted from another country where he had lived in an orphanage.

She had been told that she should feed him everything he ate by hand and make lots of eye contact in order to promote bonding.

When her child wanted to feed himself, she took his food away and then fed it to the family pets while he watched crying.

Do you think this is an appropriate way to treat a child?

Answer 1

Maybe the child learned that he/she had to submit to whatever the amom wanted in order to get fed...but how can anyone believe that was "bonding."  I think it is completely appropriate for a 1.5 year-old child to want to feed him/herself...and I really think anyone who knew anything about kids would/should know that too.

Answer 2

No, nope, No, uh-uh . . . no!  Never ok to treat a child in an inhumane fashion.  Period.

Answer 3

Absolutely not.

This is a perversion of attachment parenting and is utterly inhumane and unethical. There is a really good (new) blog written by a survivor of this type of "attachment therapy" (in quotes because this is NOT actual therapy, it's really abuse), and it details the blogger's feelings being subjected to this stuff. Here's the link:

http://childtorture.wordpress.com/

Answer 4

No and there are many people who use and try to convience others that unethical--unproven Attachment Therapy will be the only way to help a child bond...

What you are writing about in your questions is Unproven treatment... Using some hand feeding is fine My daughter and I have fed each other M&M's or shared a Milk Shake with two Straws but there is a LINE where it becomes Odd...

This is only one part of this type of AT Approach and there is more to it that you really Do Not want to know about...

Avoid it...

Answer 5

I don't even understand how this psycho could POSSIBLY have been convinced that this would foster a sense of attachment.  I can't imagine being that child and thinking, "Oh wow, what a wonderful, caring, compassionate person this is to be giving my food to the dogs because I won't do what she wants."

Answer 6

yes I do it was inhumane and no way to treat a child.  I see no way that would promote trust only it could break someone's will

Answer 7

This is not parent child bonding, this is an adult forcing a child into submission.The psychological harm this woman is doing will be irreversible and while yes, the child will cling to her apron strings for years it will have nothing to do with love.

Answer 8

No, it is not appropriate, but then they don't require psychological testing of parents who adopt.

Answer 9

why wouldnt a mother want a one year old to feed himself? theres plenty of time to bond.. like rocking a kid to sleep at night? thats most definitely neglect and abuse.. people are idiots

Answer 10

Um, no.  Any inhumane tactics are wrong for any child, adopted or not.

Answer 11

Really that is true ??? that is just appalling and No I do not think that is an appropriate way to treat the child

Who told her that she should feed him everything by hand ?

How pathetic are the people that told the adoptive mother that to start with

BUT if I adopted a child and someone told me to do that, I would use COMMON SENSE And say pffttt no way am I doing that..

Answer 12

Whew!  No, this does not promote bonding.  It is good advice to try to feed your child and make eye contact, but by taking away the food, this adoptive mother was teaching her child that she can't be counted on to meet his needs.

Answer 13

Where do agencies FIND some of these whackadoos?  Not that everyone who adopts is a whackjob -- my amom sure wasn't.  But, d**n, aren't agencies supposed to WEED OUT the freaks and abusers?

Answer 14

Some people are weirdos.

This woman would have been a weirdo regardless or not as to whether she adopted a child.  I

Answer 15

Oh, there are alot of "helping" an adopted child bond that i don't agree with and this would be one of them.  Love, patience, kindness, understanding, and compassion those would be my parential instincts to offer a child struggling to bond.  Forcing a child to love you sounds well, not good.  Just not good.

ETA:  Laurie, whackadoo!  Oh, i needed that.  he he he

Answer 16

That is just sad. Someone like her should not be a mother at all. Doesn't matter if the child was biological or adopted.  Its just not right.  At 1 1/2 kids want to learn how to do things on their own. Its part of their learning process and being independent.

Answer 17

Absolutely not.

Answer 18

NO!!  I think that is terrible and inhumane.  My first thought was that this mother must have been horribly misled about attachment and bonding, but my second thought is that it doesn't take a genius to figure out that this sort of behavior is WRONG!  I mean, someone's gut feeling should have kicked in, at some point!

I mean, we took class after class on attachment and bonding, including focus paid to the international component.  

I just can't wrap my mind around how this would be a "good" idea even if someone didn't take the classes.

  

Like I said, it doesn't take a genius to figure this out.

ETA: I'm not saying that bad things don't ever happen in adoptions, but are you sure this story is for real?

Answer 19

No I don't think it is ever ok to use inhumane tactics on ANY child!

Answer 20

I don't like that ONE BIT. That sounds like a bonding technique for a DOG, not a baby.

Answer 21

I agree with Laurie-that AP is a Whackadoo.

This actually makes me sad. I know of a 2 year old adopted from a Russian "baby home" (orphanage) eight years ago. Her relationship with food was and still is very possessive. To this day she covets every morsel of food she is given. Apparently in a baby home if a child isn't aggressive enough the food is taken by other children.



I can't imagine how confused the child in your story must be.

ETA: To answer your question:  I hardly consider this a bonding technique, more likely it's considered child abuse. And no, I don't think it's an appropriate way to treat any child.