Do you think it's unreasonable to break up when you have children?

Question

I have been with my partner since I was 16 (and he's 20 years older than me) and we've been together for nearly 9 years. We have a four year old daughter who's wonderful and we're both what I consider to be fantastic parents. However, our relationship as a couple has completely fallen apart. Do you think it's unfair to split up as parents even though you may be miserable as individuals?

Answer 1

Not if it's creating a bad atmosphere in the home, that will do the child more harm than splitting up.  

Answer 2

Zaza, the most common problem when a marriage goes sour is when your body doesn't turn on your husband anymore and that sucks doesn't it?

The truth hurts sometimes.

Answer 3

hii i dont think its unfair hun

yeah it is best too stayy together if you have children but if things are not going smoothley its best too split up

just follow what your heart shows you

xx

Answer 4

I was going to answer until I realized the age issue fully.

I cant think now, YUK  

Answer 5

Kids want happy parents, together or separated.

Answer 6

Wow...that's a pretty large age difference.  You never had a chance to explore your own sexuality.  

When you say your relationship has fallen apart - the question is - why?  It's actually pretty normal for a couple to experience problems once children arrive.  Not that kids are bad, they just create another dimension in a relationship that needs to find a way to be included.  Child time and couple time is very different.

First of all - do you want to stay with him?

Some times the financial need is the determining factor - and that's ok too.  

If you do want to stay with him, you need to talk with him and set aside time for you and him apart from your 4 year old.

Whatever your decision, your going to have to make your own life - with him or without him.  You are the center of your life - not your relationship.  

Answer 7

No, it will be unfair for your mental health if you stay together, you will also start fighting with your partner more (if you havent already done so) and this will have a damaging effect on your daughter.  As long as you and your partner make arrangements to suit your daughter (visitation etc) and explain the situation to her she will be fine with it. I know this from personal experience, children at that age are able to deal with it as a matter of fact.

Answer 8

I think it depends on the situation. Nothing is off-hand unreasonable or reasonable - you have to consider the circumstances. Sure, you need to consider your child's well-being, but you have to think of yourselves as well. Which risks are you willing to take, what trade-off works for you?

Answer 9

Unless there is physical abuse going on at home then yes, I consider it unreasonable and selfish.  I understand the spark dies out after the stresses of marriage and children come into your lives, but once the child is born you owe it to them to provide them with two parents.  To split up because the two of you are no longer having fun is not fair to the child who will lose valuable time growing up with a loving parent, be it you or him.

You admitted that he is a great father.  I know it's hard, trust me, I do.  But think of your child on this one.  Do what you have to do to bring that spark back (it'll be very hard, I know), but stick it out for her sake.  She deserves that much.  Good luck to you.

Answer 10

It depends if the split is amicable or not, if you both agree to part on good terms and there is no fighting and arguing and he remains on the scene as a hands on dad then I think that would be far better in the long run for all concerned.  

Answer 11

No its more unfair to stay together and be miserable, kids pick up on these things.

Spilt up and youre daughter will have two happy parents, much better than tow sad parents xx

Answer 12

I'd give it another try since their is a daughter involved. Go to counseling, even on your own will help. Just becasue things are rough doesn't mean you quit. Marriage should be eternal (if possible). It sounds like you both need time to relate to each other as people. Maybe your too wrapped up in your child, work, household duties, etc. and you've let the romance go. Ask him what it would take to discover each other again.

Answer 13

okay that was gross.  you were 16 and he was 36?  i always say and believe that happy parents = happy kids.  why stay if you are unhappy.  only you can make yourself happy.

Answer 14

I split from my wife when my son was 5. He is 11 now and I see him on a regular basis.  If we had stayed together he may have been damaged, we didn't and he is a normal healthy, happy boy.

If Kids have love, they will survive.  If kids live in a loveless environment, they will suffer..

If your relationship with your partner is dead, it's dead..

I wish you good fortune.

Answer 15

Remember that kids grow up and leave the home eventually, so you need to think of your happiness too.  Although you say you are both good parents, that doesn't have to change if you split.  If anything, your daughter will see that you are both unhappy if you stay together and that is not really the image you want to give her.

Be happy and pursue happiness, it is only one life you have so you have to enjoy it as best as you can!

Good luck!

Answer 16

O k 20 year older than you is bit weird but I think you should stay together think of why you were drawn to him but if you break up your kid will make the kid messed up so put your kid feeling be for yours.And beleive me my parent's broke up wen i was 7 years old and im 15 now and it's made my life messed up so think of your kid feeling first.

Answer 17

It's a difficult one.  On one hand, you should put your daughter's happiness and wellbeing first and in that case, she definitely needs both parents with her.  There is no doubt that children are affected when parents separate - if not immediately, there are more often than not issues later on.  On the other hand, it is also your life and both you and your partner have a right to a happy life with someone else.  I guess you need to look closely at the reasons why your relationship is falling apart.  Is there anything that can be salvaged - can you work together to rebuild your relationship for the sake of your child.  

Answer 18

ure suppose to split up as a couple but remain good stable parents to your daughter. there's nothing wrong with that. staying together being miserable in front of your daughter is wrong.  

Answer 19

The most unfair thing is rather when the children can see their father only during the weekend. Split in relationships happen und then its best to be separated or divorced. But tear the children apart from each other or from either parent is the most unfair thing to children.

Answer 20

You say you are wonderful parents but sad as a couple, then split and try to be happy as individuals, you will still be excellent parents, I assure you this your child will know something is wrong, if not now then very soon.

Answer 21

yes, the child is one that will suffer. A relationship can be fixed no matter what has happened. First is bring God into your relationship. God is the center piece of marriage. The enemy hate family and relationships because it was Gods plans from the beginning. If you love your daughter like you say you do then work on the relationship. Find a good Christian church and all three of you begin to go to church. I promise in no time you will begin to see a change when God is in a relationship.

Answer 22

Frankie's right, you cant stay together just for your daughter, it wont get any easier whatever her age.

Lifes too short - if your marriage is truly unsolvable then you need to separate. Good luck  

Answer 23

Never stay in a relationship for the sake of the kids in order to have healthy happy children the parents must be happy

Answer 24

if you truly cannot get along with each other in the presence of each other, then you shouldn't stay together just for the sake of your child.  if you fight and yell at each other in front of your child, you are doing more harm than good staying together.  

Answer 25

thats a long time to be with someone... and think of the time you wasted. but if you dont want to be with him.... do it now. dont wait til it will totally ruin ur daughters life. my brother and his gf just split and my niece is 7, shes taking it hard, she thinks he daddy dont love her. So if you think it will happen either way, sooner or later, do it. then you can both have some time to find someone else....

hope i helped

Answer 26

do what you thinks best, it might not be good for the child for you to split up, but it might not be ok for the child at the moment, if you argue a lot and stuff like that. I hope this helps, my parents were never together in the first place so i have never experienced two parents together so i don't know what it would be like to put your child through a break up.

Answer 27

If you are unhappy then you should do whatever you need to, to make yourself happy. If you guys are fighting it makes it worse on the child to have her hearing all that. And it can actually make the child think that this is what "love" is suppose to be like and they could mess up their life...

Answer 28

Of course it is not unreasonable.

If you are unhappy that will be felt by your little girl and she will not grow up in a happy home.

Better to split up & live your own lives - better if you can keep the split non-vicious for her sake though.

Answer 29

That is the stupidest question!  

Of course it will hurt your child if you leave, but it could also hurt your child if you stay?  

Instead of thinking you should stay together for your child, why don't you try and save the marriage?  If you keep it fallen apart and you stay together for your child, she will live in a miserable atmosphere!

Are you in love?  Is he in love?  Did you just fall out of love and can't stand being next to each other?  Do you want to make it work?  Are you looking forward to divorce?  What's going on in the relationship?

Oh by the way, 20 years older will eventually end up in divorce.  

Answer 30

no it's not unreasonable...if you're not happy together the child/ren will notice it and it's just gonna play h**l on their emotions as they get older..no kids want to know that they're parents are staying together because of them and being miserable..sometime you can be a better parent and be separated from each other...just get together and work out a parenting plan and stick to it..

good luck