Do you think it is unfair...?

Question

My husband and I have two biological sons and have been thinking about adoption for our third child. We are all caucasian I am Scottish and my husband is Australian. We all have medium to dark brown hair. (Not that all that matters but sometimes people who answer want to know that stuff)

The two countries that we are eliglable to adopt from are China and Ethiopia. What I am trying to consider is if it would be fair to a child from China or Ethiopia to be raised by a family who do not look the same as that child. Of course, for our family we don't have any issues with this as my husband has an adopted sister who is Asian and I lived in Malaysia for 5 years as a child so it's nothing to us but I want to know what you think that child will have to tolerate from others for having a family that is of another race. A mother's love is blind to such factors but it is something to consider because our choice is not just ours but also the prospective child's.

Answer 1

I'm not sure where you are living, but here in Australia it is becoming quite common for infertile couples to adopt, usually from Asian countries, as there just aren't as many "home grown" children up for adoption these days. I know that there will always be racism, but giving a needy child a great home that they would not have had if raised in their country of origin is a great thing. As has already been said, as long as you don't treat the child differently or love them any less then go for it.

Answer 2

I think  if you give them love and treat them no different then your2 other children, then i think that would be wonderful .

Answer 3

First of all, thank you for your thoughtful question.  It is so great that you are putting the child's best interests first.  It sounds like you are great parents.

I think it all depends on how you incorporate their culture into your lives.  Make it a part of your family, not just something they go off and do on their own. Follow some of their cultural traditions as a family. Invite friends and neighbors to join in. People make fun of things that they don't understand.  This is an opportunity for your family to share something new with the people you care about.  Reach out to other families in the same situation and do activities together.  Talk to your husbands sister about her experience, read books and blogs, make sure that you are prepared to support your child emotionally. There will always be ignorant people who say stupid things, no matter what race you adopt.

Good luck!

Answer 4

It would be unfair not to adopt for that reason. I know your thinking of the adopted child, but would you rather him

1. stay there  

or

2. Get raised by another family who doesnt look like him either?

I don't think its a big concern. go for it!

Answer 5

I am a bit confused.  Is there a reason why you are only qualified for two countries, and not within the US?  You mention that the only local option is "permanent care".  I may sound stupid in asking this, and I don't mean to sound rude, but I'm curious as to what that means  Adoption is meant to be permanent, so perhaps I'm not understanding the question 100%.  

With regards to adopting a child of another race, my thoughts have always been that in today's society, every family is different.  There are mixed race marriages, "forgotten" blood lines, step parent families, military families, etc.  Perhaps I am a bit naive, but I don't feel that race is as much an issue for families as it was 20 years ago.  

Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

Answer 6

There go the non-adopted people speaking for adoptees again!

I think the best thing to do would be to read some blogs of adult transracial adoptees about their feelings growing up or reading a book like 'Outsiders Within' there are also some vids on youtube from transracial adoptees

Whilst I agree that adoptive parents' love can be color blind it is after all, how the adoptee experiences of adoption that you are asking about and the adoptee that matters most in adoption

Thank you for pausing to consider how the child will feel growing up adopted - that is a sign of a good prospective adoptive parent.

Answer 7

My husband and I are mostly white (I'm a bit Asian).  Almost two years ago we adopted an older brother and sister with medical issues from Ethiopia. They're doing really well.  We haven't encountered any negativity. It's kind of the opposite. Wherever we go, people make a fuss about the kids and give them free stuff.  Our community is diverse, although predominately white, but everyone spoils them - black, white, whatever.  I dread when the honeymoon ends and our kids find out that they aren't celebrities. We're trying to prepare them for that time.

  

How your kids will be received I guess really depends on what kind of community you live in.  You asked if it's fair, and I guess the best thing would be if the kids got to live with their family and had health care and education. But my kids were older and they tell me about their Dad getting drunk and beating them and their mother neglecting them for days, leaving them - including the three year old - to figure out for themselves where to find food. Then also, both my kids had/have health issues.  So, I still don't think it's fair that they didn't get a choice and have to  live with us rather than their real parents, but their life with us will we hope be pretty good. We love them, they are amazing people.

You may want to look into Yahoo Groups, there are several that discuss Ethiopian adoption and have probably discussed any questions you might have.

Answer 8

like one said before.. the child will be loved... and mostly thats all that matters.. it doesnt matter what race you are, adopting a nother child is a wonderfull thing. and to love it is even better.. so yes go adopt another and  good  luck with it!

Answer 9

does it really matter what anyone looks like it is not what we look like but who we are that matters most in the long run i say if you feel as strongly as you seem to do that will be automatically be passed onto the child you adopt and so he/she will only reciprocate the feelings we are one world made up of a lot of different people and we are all individuals so what we look like doesn't matter as much as people think

Answer 10

I think it's unjust that you aren't considering a child right around the corner to adopt--from foster care.

Answer 11

No, it is not unfair, if you really want that child it does not matter if they look different. I know people who have adopted a child that looked different like that.

Answer 12

I would suggest to read the book "In Thier Own Voices".

Things to consider:

1.  Will your child see him/herself relected in their community?

2.  Racism is alive and kicking (at least in US) how will you handle racism?

3.  You cannot be all things to your child.  Do you have diverse friendships so that your child can have positive role models that look like them?

4.  How will you care for your (Ethiopian) child's hair?

5.  How will you incorporate your child's culture into your life?

6.  Artwork in your home and magazines, children's books etc should relect your childs image.  I have a task for you, in your town try to find a fairytale princess book where the characters all have brown skin.  It took me five years to find one.

You should start educating yourselves now.  It is fair if you are willing to do everything and anything possible to embrace your new culture.  Good luck to you.

Answer 13

No, it isn't unfair. A good home is a good home.

Answer 14

I think the first poster put it best...  what are the child's other options?  Assuming you use a reputable agency who ISN'T buying babies (and gosh knows there are enough orphans in both places that buying them is quite silly) then by NOT adopting a child, you are just dooming one more to being raised in whatever type of orphanage can be arranged.  

Also, mixed race babies are getting far more common (at least in the US)  - so often kids are raised by at least one parent who looks nothing like them.  I have a cousin who looks extremely hispanic (very dark skin, hair, and eyes) with a biological father with blond hair, blue eyes, and fair skin...

Answer 15

I think you answered your own question.  The child will be loved and that is what matters.  What a great experience for them.  They will learn that being different is ok- as we are all different in someway.

Answer 16

I can only speak from my own experiences as an Asian adult adoptee who grew up in a white family.  On one hand, I never had the trauma of NOT knowing I was adopted. :)  All I had to do was look in the mirror and I knew I was, which made it alot easier on my parents to talk about adoption when I was little.  I will say, as an adult...and now, with the wisdom of some life experience behind me, I wish like heck that I had taken the time to learn more about Korean culture and to learn the language.  My parents did what they could to get me interested in such things.  My mother offered to give up her Saturdays to do a 2 hour drive for Korean language lessons when I was around 5, I think.  But by then, I was well-incorporated and had no desire to miss Saturday morning cartoons with my brothers!!  Heck no! :)  My parents were involved in the adoption agencies annual events, so I grew up seeing other families that looked like ours (mixed races) and kids who were adopted.  While I'm sure it's common for other kids, I actually did not experienced very much racism growing up.....and that's saying something because I grew up in a very small town in the South.  My family did a good job of insulating me from alot of that, which I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing....but it allowed me to have a very normal, happy childhood without the realization of some of the horrible things people can say to one another.  I only know of 1 instance where racism was involved.  A guy at church made a racist comment about me in front of my brothers.  My brother hit the guy, square across the face right in Sunday School!!! One of the adults took my 2 brothers & this guy outside & the adult basically LET my brother beat the guy up for a little while because he felt like he deserved it.  I didn't find out about this little incident until I was an adult.  One part of me felt hurt that someone would say something like that.  Another part felt proud & protected that my brothers would stand up for me like that.  They were around 17 and 15 when this happened.  

I never grew up feeling weird, outcast, or different from my family.  I was just ME.  They never acted like being adopted was something to feel ashamed about, and so I grew up with a healthy sense of self & self-esteem.  

I would encourage you to adopt.  It's good that you're thinking of the racial considerations now.  The best thing you can do is incorporate his or her culture into your every day life and just love them like crazy.  Raise them to know there are ignorant people in this world who may say something hurtful.