Question:

Do you think my friend was out of line in this case?

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I lost my grandmother late last year to an illness. I did not take it well. I was very close to her. When I was younger, my grandmother took care of me for awhile. You can kind of say she was like my mother during that time. Out of all her grandchildren, I was the only one who lived with her during those years and was the closest to her.

When she died, I was 25 years old. I obviously had my own place and my own life.

So, about a month ago, I was talking to my friend. I casually mentioned my grandmother (just conversation). She said that she don't see why I was affected so badly because it's not like I currently live in the house that she lived in. She said, if anyone should be grieving, it's my mother (because my mother was taking care of her to the end, living in the house, and stll does). She also brought up her friend our age who lost her father recently. She went as far as to say that her friend is holding up just fine yet that was her father and she still lives in his house, dealing with the memories.

Basically, she made it seem like I have no right to still be sad about my loss because other people's situations are supposedly worse. She claims I have distance and this should not have affected me like it did. What do you think of this?

I rarely even talk about my grandmother to her and she made this comment because of one mention of her. What are your thoughts on this? I'm doubting her friendship (for this and other reasons) but those statements bothered me. Do some people have more right to grieve than others?

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11 ANSWERS


  1. I would guess that she han't lost anyone close to her yet and has no clue as to how different people grieve differently.  When a loved one of hers passes, the light might come on in her head and might become more compassionate and empathetic.


  2. First of all I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't think your friend is very experienced in those kind of areas. What she said was a bit immature but she probably didn't know how to react and no every one grieves in a different way it's down to the individual.

  3. Yes your friend was out of line and apparently sadly lacking in couth and understanding.

  4. i agree with the amazing baldino. And also, i lost my grandmother a couple months ago, and even though i didn't see her that much, it still really hurt. You have a right to grieve as much as u want, and it's her problem if she doesn't like it. Hope ya pull through!!!

  5. I think it was wrong of her to say that personelly.At the end of the day you lost someone close to you so you have every right to be upset over it.It's a horrible experiance for anyone to have to go through,and really your friend should understand that.Maybe you should tell her that it kinda bothered you that she said that,and if shes a good friend she should understand.

  6. Your friend is not wise or mature , and is talking out of her butt .

    Your grandmother was as close to you as your mother , no one has a right to tell someone they can't grieve for someone that was very special to you and that you bonded with .

    Bonding is not limited to living with someone , I don't live with my sisters any more but the bond will always exist .

    You friend , has some sort of problem , she is either Jealous or iggnoant and seems very cold hearted toward you , are you really sure this is a true friend or just someone you have things in common with ?

  7. I'm sorry to hear your friend was so cold to your feelings! She was out of line to tell you that it is wrong to grieve over such an important person in your life. It could be that to her, her grandmother wasn't as important. If this is the case, she fails to see that people make different connections with those in their families. It could also be that your friend was trying to find a sure-fire way to hurt you and she knew that this would do the trick. In any case and for whatever her silly reason was, she is wrong to tell you that you should not have been affected.

    I understand why you are doubting your friendship with her and I think this is the wisest thing to do as she doesn't realize what is really important to you/doesn't care what is important to you. Good friends listen to their friends and offer a shoulder to cry on when there are no others around. Better yet, friends don't say hurtful things in situations such as a death in the family. This friend is tactless and/or ignorant for not seeing that her behavior toward you, as a friend, was completely inappropriate.

    As far as grieving goes, I'm not sure if it works in a way that some people are more entitled to it. If a death impacts you, naturally you are "allowed" (if that is even the right word) to grieve. your Grandmother was an important person to you and no one, let alone a "friend", is allowed to take away the time to find peace in a difficult situation such as yours.

    I'm also very sorry for the loss of your Grandma.

  8. Your "friend" is an idiot.

    Nobody has the right to dictate who should grieve and how much one should grieve or who has more right to grieve than another.

    Feelings are a personal thing and you have every right to feel whatever you do.

    I could understand her saying something like, "It's time for you to move on." if your grief has disabled you from work, caring for the family, hygiene, etc. However, it sounds as if this is not the case and your friend is an insufferable clod.

    You have reason to doubt this friendship. Time to find time for other friends.  

  9. Anyone is free to grieve. I mean, apart from people who grieve just to grieve for attention. You are family, and even if you weren't there right at the very end, you were still close because as a family, you shared a bond.

    I had a cousin who died at the age of 11. I met her once yet I had this amazing bond with her. Since birth she was spoiled and got everything she wanted, but she was never a brat, always willing to share and give to others. She was amazing to actually have that personality through her upbringing. But I felt we were close even though we only met once. Then she died and it hit hard on me. Does that mean i'm out of line to grieve as much as I did? Not to me. We were family, she looked up to me as a big sister yet she was this amazing little girl that I kinda looked up to as well.

    Just because you love your grandma doesn't mean you have to set a boundary for feelings. Your friend is stupid. I'd like to see your friend hold back her emotions for someone she cared for just because there was "distance".

  10. Everyone has the right to grieve the way they need to.

    No one has the right to tell you how to grieve.

    She sounds like a cranky person that doesn't understand the concepts of tact and support.

    Give her the flick.

  11. People react differently to losses and have different ways of grieving.  It will take you time to deal with your loss.

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