Do you think my parents are abusive?

Question

I saw my dad kicked my sister when we did not want to go home from our grandparents place as my mum was overseas.

On one occation, he continuous slapped me when got home late from my grandparents place (it was a short walk).

Growing up, he once told me i better get a degree as i am not good looking and that is the only thing i have.

My mother will just psycho me to apologise to my dad even though it was his fault when it comes to quarrels.

My dad is just keen to break the family apart. We will not talk for months and every time it is someone in the family who is quarrelling.

My parents will favour my siblings and even cousins in front of me, which got me trying to be better than anyone my whole life.

I grow up having low self exteem, fear of marriage and having my own kids. I was thinking how to like my kids if i do not even like myself...

Answer 1

Well, I do have to say it sounds like you have taken all the worst moments in a lifetime of parenting, and some of these could be just your discontent, not inappropriate parenting.  Every parent makes mistakes and if isolated moments are documented can look pretty bad.  It sounds like your dad has physically crossed the line a couple of times in your life, but overall this is vague on the emotional stuff.  You don't have a big pattern of physical abuse, so I've got to think he knew it was wrong, felt badly and worked hard not to repeat those mistakes.  That says something for the man, no matter how bad his people skills are.  As I read this, it reminded me of someone I know who was not abusive but who could've been represented in the same light.  It's all about perspective.  If you have to ask if he was abusive, then he probably wasn't.  He sometimes used inappropriate parenting but was not overall an abusive father.  The abusive ones usually leave no doubt.

Bad Parenting/Possible Abuse

On ONE occation, he continuous slapped me when got home late from my grandparents place (it was a short walk). - Where did he slap you?  Spanking isn't abuse, but on the face is.

I saw my dad kicked my sister when we did not want to go home from our grandparents place as my mum was overseas. (Again, a kick can be in varying degrees.  It can be a nudge or real hard. - makes a dif)

My parents will favour my siblings and even cousins in front of me, which got me trying to be better than anyone my whole life. (too vague to know how bad or minor this was.  Siblings can be petty about favoritism, and sometimes adults can be very hurtful unintentionally.)

Not Abuse/Not Necessarily Just Mom's and Dad's Fault

My dad is just keen to break the family apart. We will not talk for months and every time it is someone in the family who is quarrelling.

My mother will just psycho me to apologise to my dad even though it was his fault when it comes to quarrels  

I grow up having low self exteem, fear of marriage and having my own kids. I was thinking how to like my kids if i do not even like myself...

As for kicking you out, I don't what you did or how old you were, but I don't know why he did that and if you two deserved it.  Sorry, but I'm a parent.  As I see it, if they are such abusive parents, why on earth are you as adults living under their roof?  I think maybe your dad ought to throw you out again.  It might teach you to take responsibility for your own self-esteem in this era of "blame your parents for everything".  Look at what you don't like in your life right now and focus on fixing that.  That's what's going to make you happy and fulfilled, not dwelling on every possible memory that can help you point the finger of blame at your parents.  Can you go back now and spend as much energy making a list of happy things from your childhood?  I bet you'll feel better if you do that.  You probably don't like my answer, and I don't mean to offend, but I believe in straight talk.  

Answer 2

I myself as a parent..yes I would say he is abusive..I believe in the occasional spanking,timeouts,and grounding..now there are those out there that say spanking should not be done either..I was raised this way..If I did wrong..I got a trip to the wood shed so to speak..and I love my father more than anything for teaching me right from wrong..but never slapping..He was probably done this way as a child..and is passing it on..but just because he did it..dont mean you will..If you let these kinds of thoughts control you.then yes..you probably will..dont forget them..but dont let them control you..arguing is a part of life..and no-matter how hard you try..you will never find a place where that does not exsist..Set it in your mind that you will not be like that..do possitive things with your time.find fun things to do..enjoy life You only get 1 chance at it..So make it count..all of us as humans make mistakes..but we have to learn from them to move forward..and just remember..we are gods creation..so there fore we are as beautiful as we want to be..with this being said..we all think things like this about ourselves..if you didnt you would not be human..all we can do is try our best and hope its good enough..and get on with our life..What I do to try and feel good about myself is..Help out in my community..from mowing an elderly person's yard to fixing the local neighborhood kids bicycle's..seeing joy on some1s face from just helping out is my reward..move on past yourself and look for ways to be better..but most of all..enjoy yourself while you can..no1 is perfect or can ever be..just be yourself and the rest will fall into place..Life is an open book...read it..learn it..and live it..Hope this has helped in some way..takecare  

Answer 3

I'm sorry your are having a hard time. your dad sounds like he does not have good parenting skills. it does not mean that you can not grow to be have supportive healthy relationships with your children/spouse. try not to take what he tell you to heart. he obviously has a hard time with impulse control and does not think before acting. know this and accept it, you can not change it. you can change how you react to him. don't let him get to you. you have self worth.  just try to stay clear of him and not do things that will set him off till you can get out on your own. then do things for your self. your mom probably has low self esteem issues too if she is putting you down and not sticking up to your dad. they are just products of their upbringing. stop the cycle. be better. im sorry you are going though all this. if you feel you are really being abused please tell to someone. your worth it.

Answer 4

yeah they are abousive but if htey are like really really abusive, you should report it..

but if they are just spanking you then i guess you have to live with it until you move out..

Answer 5

It doesn't sound like you had a good childhood, try talking to a counselor or a therapist so you can move on and learn how to deal with everything that has happened.  It helps

Answer 6

You need to go for counseling. If you don't you may find that you display the very behavior you hate from your parents. Your mom is just as bad. I could never understand why a mother would allow her husband to do those types of things to her children just to keep peace in the house.

The point is they are the ones with the problems, but if you can't accept that, they'll soon become yours as well.

Answer 7

You're dad is a coward to hit a girl.  It probably made him feel like a big man.  If that was an isolated incident, then you have nothing to worry about.  But if it's a recurring thing...RUN!!!@!@

Answer 8

You know... Many parents tend to do that because maybe when they were younger they were hurt by their parents as well. It seems that they are very overpowering and always want to be in control.

My parents are like this too, they always yell at me, compare me to others, and bring me down. But if you look past all that you'll realize that they need you more than you need them. They need your help if they are being abusive like that. Try to put it this way... Learn from their mistakes.

Honestly, you'll be a better parent than they are if you look past all the mistakes they did. This will either make you or break you... Learn from their mistakes to become a better person, or be like them which will make you not like yourself even more.

If you get past all this, you'll actually be thanking your parents for showing you the truth, or even... Showing you how to BECOME a better person. We all learn from our mistakes and maybe this is something you can learn to control.

So take control. I know you can do it! Good Luck!

Answer 9

You should talk to a counscellor

Answer 10

Anyone hitting someone else is abusive yes, I think they're. When someone is being a abused your self esteem gets run down by they abuse happening everyday or once in awhile. I am so sorry you have to live there? Do you have other relatives you can live with?  If your under 18 and this abuse is going on you need to talk with a cousnlor at your school and tell them what is going on in your house. If someone slaps you it doesn't matter who it is, it's abuse. No-one deserves to be treated like that. I think your dad has some serious issues and he needs professional help. Sometimes if you hit back can make someone more angry at you and that can be dangerous but you do have to protect yourself. Well don't let him do that to yourself esteem. Your father is insecure about something; anyone that is insecure about themselves will hurt others to make themselves feel better. You need to love yourself and respect yourself because if your don't no-one else will! Every living breathing human being is a worhty indivdual of safe home and happiness. You need to please talk to cous because you can repeat the cycle because sometimes the abused become the abuser in the future. You don't deserve to be treated like that you need to tell someone what is going on and what he is doing. Anyone in the world that hits, slaps, kicks anyone no matter what gender or age gets arrested and charged with assault. It's against the law! If you don't have a family who can help you a cous will help you but you could get put in foster care but anywhere is better then somewhere where your being abused. Please get help find an adult that you can talk with, if you can take pictures of your injuries and show them. They will help get you out of that kind living sitaution.