Do you think my story is good? Myfriend says its okay sorry about the grammar i had to type 3 times! this is ?

Question

This is not the entire story just a small section: Give me your critique

“So, er Mrs. Drac. How do you like Moonsfield so far?”

“It’s complacent but I do prefer Romania much more.” I responded.

“Oh! Romania, well! I heard that place is quite extravagant! In fact, my great-uncle visited Romania last summer.”, said Mrs. Doutley.

Frey grabbed my hand under the table and caressed it. He saw the sadness in my eyes. He knew I missed Romania so much. It was my home. It was my sanctuary. I turned to him and looked at his god-like face. His skin was pale white with a touch of red at his cheeks. His eyes were a violet color. His nose, eyes, complexion was perfect. No flaws nor deficiencies. His hair was platinum with a touch of bronze. He looked at me with those sad eyes. He raised his eyebrow and gave me a crooked smile. I couldn’t smile back. My heart was filled with sadness and treachery. The Doutleys were mumbling and arguing about their pointless manor. I kept looking at Trey with interest and curiosity. He was so beautiful, my eyes burned like crazy. He was my soul mate and lover. We were meant for each other. I grabbed his hand tighter and gave him a sad smile. He turned and said, “Well, Mr. and Mrs. Doutley, Valencia and I are finished for the evening.”

“Oh, well, we’ll be on our way. Thank you for inviting us. We had a pleasant time.”

Frey followed them to the door and let them out. I sat and stared at the candles. I reached out to the flame. I wondered if I could feel pain physically. I touched the hot flame. My fingers felt numb but it did not hurt. The pain was invisible and numb. My blood rushed through my fingers and suddenly my fingers started to burn quite painfully. I screeched of pain and moaned. Frey ran to me and grabbed my waist to the floor. He sat me up and held my arm. He looked at them and turned to me. I looked at my hand and saw there was no wound or burn. The pain disappeared and the blood rushed back.

“Why did you that?” Frey asked.

“I-I wanted to feel pain. I don’t remember how it feels. I want to feel completely again!” I answered.

I put my head against his chest and cried carelessly. My tears wet his blouse. I shuddered and bit my lip. He held me tighter and caressed my hair. His fingers tangled my long black hair. He whispered. “All will turn out well.” I cried less but my heart felt wounded. I put my arms around his back and closed my eyes. He sang a melody to me so peaceful, it cured my heart a bit. I wanted to fall asleep but It was impossible. I could no longer sleep nor breathe. Breathing was optional but sleeping was not. I closed my eyes tighter but nothing. Frey lifted me up and carried me up to the bedroom. I held him tighter and put my lip against his neck. His warm skin warmed me up. He held me like a baby but I felt like I was going to fall to the floor. He kicked the door open and rested me on the bed. I lied down and closed my eyes. He positioned my feet and kissed me on the lips. I opened my eyes and looked at his gorgeous face. He grinned and I smiled a bit. He left the room and closed the door. I stared at the roof and saw the moonlight through the sky window. I stared for hours until sunlight hit. It was dawn. The sky was pink and bluish. I held myself tighter and let go. I sat up and went across the room. I touched the gold doorknob and opened the door. I went through the hallway and down the stairs. The fireplace was empty and everything was clean. The living room had a scent of lavender. I walked through the room and went to the library. I opened the big door and saw Frey standing at the window. He was staring at the sunrise. He turned and smiled at me.

“Won’t you come to join me. The daybreak is just majestic. I walked to him. He grabbed me and crushed his lips against mine. He looked at me and saw my almond eyes. He mouthed the words beautiful and grabbed my waist. He put his chin on my shoulder. His sweet breath almost poisoned me. I turned quickly and said,”Frey, I want you right now.”

“Valencia,now is not the time. You know that.”

“Please, Frey. I’ve been waiting so long.”

“No! Not now!”

Frey gave me a little nudge but I couldn’t let go at all. His warm hands tried to draw away. I pulled harder until I couldn’t anymore. He let go and stared at the sunrise once again. Tears filled my eyes as I walked to the enormous door. I opened it and ran as fast as I could to the bedroom upstairs. Hours passed and my urge for Frey grew stronger. My body ached of pain as I thought of him so. His tender face flickered through my mind. His beautiful body raced through my mind as well. My urge finally calmed down but I couldn’t resist. I rested my head on the pillow and felt the cotton sheets on the bed. It felt so warm but I wished it was cold again. I wished I had warm skin again. My skin was as cold as winter, as bitter as frost. I was about to get up but I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. The door opened slowly. I

Answer 1

I'd rather watch p**n

Answer 2

I'm getting Twilight flashbacks.

Sentence structure needs worked on a bit. Some of your sentences should be combined together, especially in the sixth paragraph.

But I still feel like I'm rereading Breaking Dawn.

Answer 3

i couldnt really get into it sorry

some good use of words but sometimes u over used words

good luck :D

Answer 4

not exactly a top notch coz i think u'v read to many a love stories...bt apparently ur story is inspired from a book dat has been pulished about 30 yrs baq or so....only in that story the guy u mentioned is blind due to the war.........not a bad idea to reincarnate the story in ur own version.....

good luck......break a leg

Answer 5

You keep saying Frey and Trey.  Which is it? Or are they twins?

Pale white skin, red cheeks, violet eyes, platinum bronze hair?  Sounds like a creature.

Sorry, but I could not get past the first few lines.

Other people seem to like it, though.  

Answer 6

Its alright... it sounds kinda like Twilight.

Answer 7

Only a guess, but I suspect that English is not your mother tongue. If that's the case, you are to be especially congratulated.

Assuming you are asking for comments on your writing technique, rather than on the storyline, I offer a few of suggestions based on this short excerpt:

1. It starts with what appears to be the beginning of a conversation with a dinner guest, but the whole dinner party ends abruptly (and somewhat rudely) a few moments later. You seem to be in a hurry to get to the romantic stuff, and have wasted an opportunity to set the scene for your reader.

2. Take care with your adjectives and adverbs. Again, it's just a hunch, but if your native tongue is not English, you will discover that adjectives like "complacent" work differently in different languages. In English it usually applies to people, while in other languages it can be applied to places or things. "Extravagant" and "carelessly" are other examples.

3. Readers will become more personally involved with dialogue than they will with descriptions. Try converting your long descriptive paragraphs into first-person dialogue. Your heroine could be thinking out loud, or having a one-sided conversation with her vision of Frey.

I hope that helps. Keep up the good work.

Answer 8

Sounds like Twilight, except Twilight was much better.