Do you think my story is good or bad? Plz answer.?

Question

Prologue.

Their eyes burned into my face, my back as I walked the thin rope of life. As I kept walking the clammy air hit my face. It was too late to turn back and run from this fear. Torture or gallows waited for me, and both meant death. As I walked on, his words echoed in my head “Elizabeth, take this- it's a key and a letter. It must be delivered to Victoria Wilson. This is a manner of life or death!” Suddenly, the sweet darkness consumed me, and there was no more.

Chapter 1

Paris, France

May 12, 1884

I was sitting in the chair going over the birthday plans for my 17h birthday. I would have a public dinner and a ball. In two days I will be 17 years old. I sit there day dreaming about how my life is going to be.

I was suddenly erupted from my daydream. “Elizabeth?” Father called for me. “ Can you please come here?”

I got up from my chair and walked out side to the garden were my father stands. An angry mob stands in front of our mansion.

“Hand her over,” a tall bald guy hissed at my father.

“Never!”my father hissed back at the angry mob.

“ Than you must pay for not handing her over!” Another guy yelled at my father raising a gun up to my father. Than another guy raised a gun at me.

“Elizabeth run!” my father shouted at me in a cry.

I took off running into a closet in the house. Than I heard a bang! Tears started to gush down my face knowing my father is in the garden dying of a bullet. Footsteps appeared walking swiftly against the floor.

“Elizabeth come out, come out were ever you are,” the stranger called out.

A couple of bangs started to hit walls. Than the closet door opened. The tall guy with a bald head grabbed me and threw me up against a wall. He took his hand and put it to my throat, holding me with a force so I won't escape.

“You must die! You are a danger to everyone!” The guy said to me in a angry whisper.

“Let go of me!” I shouted and than kicked the guy in the shin. I took off running out of the house. I ran until I was to my best friend Alice's house. I knocked on the door while looking around to see if I lost those horrible guys. The Disraeli family's maid Ms Carter opened the door with a smile.

“Oh Ms Elizabeth what a grand to see you,” Alice said walking down the stairs than taking a bow.

“Hello Ms Alice, may I come in?” I said quickly than taking a bow.

“Why yes, you may; Mademoiselle Carter can you get us some tea.” Alice demanded.

“Coming up Mademoiselle Disraeli.” Ms Carter said while bowing at her mistress.

“So what brings you here Lizzy?” Alice asked me with a wrinkle between her eyebrows.

“I'm in danger, they killed my father.” I whispered that broke at the end.

“What do you mean Lizzy?” Alice asked very confused.

“ These people.. well you can say more like a angry mob..wanted me dead.. father said no..and than this tall bald guy with bright blue eyes..shot my father.” I whispered to Alice with tears threating to spill out of my eye lids.

“Nonsense Elizabeth tell me the truth!” Alice demanded.

“It's the truth Alice! Why would I make something up?” I demanded with tears still spilling out of my eye lids.

“Hm.. I don't know maybe for..attention!” Alice shouted.

“ It's not for attention Alice! Why don't you believe me?” I mouthed back.

“Because it sounds silly and give me one good reason why they are after you than I will believe you.” Alice said in a calm tone.

“I..I..don't have any reason but this tall bald headed guy said I was a danger to everyone.”

“And how are you a danger?” Alice said in a slow voice.

“I don't know Alice it is just all to weird.”

“Elizabeth I think you are imagining this or you had a bad nightmare.” Alice said rolling her eyes.

“I wasn't imagining this or having a bad nightmare, it was real Alice!” I cried.

“Elizabeth it's getting pretty late I think you should get going.” Alice said in a rush.

<><><>

Me and my family slept in fear. My mother was mourning over the lost of our father Edward Samuel Gladstone.

We kept all the doors, and windows locked so none of my fathers murders will get in to kill me or my family members dead.

“Mademoiselle Gladstone do you need any more blankets?” Ms Cooper our maid asked me.

“No I'm fine.” I said looking up from my book.

“Okay Mademoiselle Gladstone. Sleep well.” Ms Cooper said with a bow.

Than Ms Cooper said leaving the room. Than I returned to my book. Pride and Prejudice.

<><><>

Mademoiselle Gladstone's 17th birthday.

Everyone is invited to Mademoiselle birthday dinner and ball.

We are all sad about the lost of Mr Edward Samuel Gladstone.

A funeral will be held for Mr Edward Samuel Gladstone

Answer 1

okie dokie. 1st of all. fanfiction.net is a good place for something like that if its based on somthin. 2nd it was allright i just didnt quite get the whole consept of it...

Answer 2

Well, I think the story itself is interesting, and you have a good base writing-wise. But you could use a lot of help with sentence construction, describing, and grammar. You seem a bit scattered-- going from formal to casual and back again-- and you need to be more consistent. Nothing atrocious, but it&#039;s certainly noticeable. You seem to repeat yourself a lot, as well.

Just edit a bit, and get somebody with time to check over it well, and it&#039;ll be quite good. I think the story is great, and that you should definitely continue. Very creative.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Oh yeah, I don&#039;t post my stories but I know that a lot of people use fanfiction.net, writerscafe.org, and storywrite.com

Answer 3

the plot so far is interesting. it could use a lot of editing though. like the invitation could use some editing and Alice&#039;s reactions were kind of dumb. and also you kind of rush into the action part. so try to add some more details before the father gets shot and stuff. and whats shes feeling when the guy finds her in the closet. also, the dialouge could be better.

i really dont know why but it reminds me of a book a great and terrible beauty a lot.  

Answer 4

I love, love, LOVE it. I love these kinds of historical fiction books, and this one made me want to read more.

You may want to proofread it, there are a few grammatical mistakes.

Tell me when you publish it! I&#039;m writing something like that too, only its in the Revolutionary War. I&#039;d love to hear more.

A great place to post stories (I post them there) is www.writerscafe.org. It&#039;s a nice community to get your story critiqued.

I hope I helped.

-Miss Daisy

EDIT- there are many more writer&#039;s clubs on Yahoo, depending on which town you&#039;re in. I suggest looking for them, which I did, but I obviously don&#039;t know where you live, so I can&#039;t do it for you.

I&#039;m 13, too, by the way.

Answer 5

why would your father yell please come here when there was and angry mob that wants you dead right there

&gt;and

cokegrl96 why would a 12th grade teacher ask a quesion about a rumor about Hanna Montanna

Answer 6

was suddenly erupted from my daydream.

Please... That doesn&#039;t make any sense.  Erupted from your day dream?  Erupted is like an explosion, You could say a volcano erupted.  Your thinking of disrupted, I think.  You can&#039;t be erupted from your day dream.  

Answer 7

Hey the prologue is better!  Congrats.  In the body of the story you have some language misuse (i.e. erupted instead of interrupted) and some tense issues again. It&#039;s minor grammatical stuff.  The plot is really good though.  It&#039;s intriguing.  You have some sentences that are not sentences at all, but clauses (Every sentence requires a noun and a verb, so &quot;Pride and Prejudice&quot; cannot be a sentence).  You&#039;re also having a bit of comma trouble.  Plot-wise, though, I think it&#039;s really original and unique, although I am a bit confused to which era the story is set in.  If you need an editor, feel free to contact me.  The preferred way would be IM (klelos123@aim) but email is okay too if you don&#039;t mind a much much slower response.

Answer 8

proofread

Answer 9

im 17 and im hoping to be an author myself aswell.

my opinion it was realy really good.  i honestly want to kno why those people were after that young girl.  when you are done, please tell me where your book is being sold. i&#039;ll buy a copy. it was rly good. thanks for sharing it!  

Answer 10

It has promis, But there are a lot of punctual errors, and spelling errors too. Plus there was not a very good amount of detail...But it did keep me interested...for a while..

Good Luck :)

It was pretty good

Im 13 too and I write novels.

Answer 11

This is an amazing story! I&#039;m a 12th grade teacher and some of my students dont even write near to that! Its  great--- sad, but GREAT!