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Do you think only unhappy adoptees search for their birth families?

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Do you think only people who have bad experiences or weren't raised right are the ones who seek out their birth families?

Is there some secret adoptive parents have for making sure their adoptees grow up happy?

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  1. I don't think you have to be unhappy to want to know where you come from.  I didn't search because I was unhappy with my a'parents or wanted to "replace" them.  

    This can be tough for non-adopted people to understand, but imagine you did not look or smell or sound like anyone in your family, and that your sense of humor and some mannerisms and other personality quirks were entirely different from theirs.  You'd still love your family unless they had given you a reason not to, but you'd never fit in in quite the same way everyone else did.  It isn't neccesarily a matter of bad experiences or bad parenting.

    I have four parents.  I don't have to love one set and not the other.  When I got married, I didn't forsake my parents for my (ex-) husband and his family.  Same kinda thing.    

    Adoptive parents should raise their children with unconditional love, like any other parents.  Unconditional means (among other things) that whether the child searches or not, they are still loved and trusted.  A'parents have some extra burdens, because that's the nature of adoption.  Adoption should be discussed often in a way that lets the child know it is not anything to be ashamed of or have divided loyalties about.  The child should be reassured it's OK to wonder about his or her heritage.  

    You can't, however, insure that any child, adopted or not, grows up happy.  All you can do is your best.


  2. The only reason, raised good or bad, anyone searches for the biological parents is curiosity.  There is no rhyme nor reason.  I searched for my bio father and not my bio mother.  I know more information about her, and health issues.  I knew nothing about my bio father, so I figured there are things we all should know.

  3. no i have had a really good life with my adopted mum and dad . but i feel like somthing is missing . i often walk down the street thinking off where i came from and who i look like

  4. I had great aparents and searched.  The two are not mutually exclusive.

  5. nope, i am one of the most content and happy adoptees you will meet. i searched and found both my bparents.

    it made everything come full circle and answered a lot of questions for me. it had nothing to do with my aparents. they were great, gave me a wonderful life. i couldnt ask for them to do anything more.

    i searched for me, and i think it is the best thing i have ever done for myself.

  6. No it think its human nature to want to know who and where you come from.

  7. No its only natural for an adopted person to look for their natural parents mainly to get some questions answered

  8. No I think it could actually be quite the reverse.   Those who are secure enough in their relationships with their adoptive parents and who are not afraid of any 'consequences' from their aparents because of the search, are far more likely to do it kwim

    I'm more than happy with my adoptive family, they are great people, I search with their total understanding, support and love  and that can only make a relationship stronger imo!

  9. No, it's a natural curiosity to know where and from whom you come.  It should not lead a person to the conclusion that they are unhappy with their adoptive parents...only that they have a desire to know more about their natural parents.

    Perhaps it's not the best analogy ever...but what if you found out that you have a brother or sister out there that you've never met?  Would you be curious about them?  Would it mean that somehow the siblings that you are close with are somehow "not adequate?"  I think not.

    Just remember:  A person's heart is a bottomless cavern, capable of holding more love that any of us can imagine.  So, that being said...as an adoptive parent, you should try to minimize any insecurities that you have if your adoptive child wants to know more.

  10. No I don't think so.

    I was in fostercare, and it was so difficult for me when we began studying genetics. I hated to 'pretend' that my brown eyes, or blonde hair, or non-rolling tounge came from my foster mom or dad, or foster grandma, or foster-sibling. It was all so fake. I never knew my father, and my mom walked away from me at 9 years old.

    I think all people will have a inherent interest even if it just a picture to see the people that actually put them into this world. totally normal and well adjusted want.

  11. no even a happy adoted person seeks 4 their birth parents

  12. I would be worried about my children if they didn't want to search when they get older. That would tell me that some part of them had shut down, or maybe they didn't feel comfortable talking about it with me, which would mean we didn't have as close a relationship as I thought.

    They ask questions occasionally, and I make sure to answer with as much info as I can every time, and always let them know that at age 18 they will have the legal right to get the necessary identifying documents if they want them. (I made sure of that before they were born.)

    The rest of the time (99.9%), they're just kids. Make sure to treat your kids' adoption issues with openness and respect. Growing up happy is something that can happen in any type of family, just as growing up feeling unloved and lied to can happen. It's up to the parents to make the difference.

  13. The secret to raising a more emotionally healthy child is to have no lies.

  14. Many very happy adoptees reunited with the first families.  I'm one.  It is not indicative of poor parenting on the part of the adoptive parents.  It's not about "replacing" one's parents.  

    It's about getting to the truth, knowing one's whole history, knowing one's other family.  These don't have anything to do with how one was raised.

    People generally are happy with knowing the truth.  So, if you want your children to be happy, listen to them and always be honest with them.

  15. No; i think alot of people just want to find out why they were given up.

  16. No, my mother (an adoptee) did not have a "bad experience" growing up an adoptee, yet she still search for, and found her bmom, whom she has a great relationship with.  My mother had the complete support of my grandmother.

    There is no secret to being a good adoptive parent anymore than there is a secret to being a good biological parent.

    It's all about learning who your child is and raising them to be the best THEY can be, not who you want them to be.

  17. It is entirely normal and natural for adoptees to search for their birth parents.  It is a crucial step in adolescent development to determine their identity!  Adoptees even seek information about their parents when they were adopted by relatives after the death of their parents.

    Any prospective adoptive parent should be prepared for their adopted child to seek out the birth parents, and be prepared to support their adopted child in the search.

  18. No people search for all type of reasons maybe they want some questions answered, medical information (that’s generally a big one), heritage information, they could just be curious what their birthparents look like, if they have birthsiblings etc. Sometimes people might search just to close a chapter. As not all adoptee who find their birthfamily have a continue  relationship with them. Some may find out what they need and be able to just close the door, they know what they wanted to know.

  19. Not at all.  My boyfriend and his sister were both adopted by very wonderful people.  She chose to go and look for her birth family because she was curious.  My boyfriend has never wanted to find his family and prob never will.  I think it is just the level of curiosity in the person.

  20. No.  I know several adoptees who have had positive experiences who searched for their first families.  I think it is human nature to want to know more about your roots.  Just look at the huge interest in genealogy right now - so you don't have to be adopted to want to know your roots.

    As for a secret that APs may have for making sure their adoptees grow up happy....we have the same maternal desire for our child to grow up happy - regardless of whether or not they were adopted.  No parent can guarantee happiness for their child.  We can only provide our children with the fundamentals they need and pray for the best.  ; )

  21. Lol.............no!  I had a fantastic adoption experience.  The kind of adoption experience has NOTHING to do with the need to search.  For me it was having to know who I was, where I had come from.  The fact that reunion also saved my life was just an added blessing.  Dont overlook how important those medical records most adoptees are blocked from are, those records can save your life.

  22. Some adoptees search whether they had good OR bad parents.  I think that all adoptees who search are both curious and brave.

    If a widow who had a happy marriage remarries, does that mean she no longer feels a loss or sadness over her dead husband?  Adoptees can have 'good' childhoods and want to search for their roots.   In fact, the healthiest adoptess I've known were supported by their adoptive parents in their quest for the truth.

    You can't "make sure" that an adoptee grows up 'happy'.  None of us is capable of controlling the feelings of ANYONE, adopted or not.

    I think the 'secret' to the happiest adoptee possible would be  to know BEFORE adopting a child that they are 'hard-wired' with all their own traits and qualities when they're born. APs need  to accept who this child IS without trying to mold them into someone else.  Embrace who the child IS!

    It's cruel to  ask an adopted child(verbally or non-verbally) to pretend that they are not curious and saddened to not have grown up within their natural family.  Love them but let them go.  

    Adopted children do not have a debt to be paid--they did not ask to be adopted.

  23. Definately not!  I love being adopted and I am way closer to my adoptive parents then any of my friends are with their bio-parents  that raised them lol.  That being said, I still want to find my bio-parents mainly to get a health history so when I go to the doctor and I can actually answer his question, "Do you have_____ in your family history?" instead of just staring at him blankly lol.  I also would be interested in seeing if I look like anyone.

    So I grew up very happy with my family, and had a wonderful childhood, yet I still want to find my birth family.

  24. Not at all.  My husband is adopted, and is so thankful that he was raised by the parents who adopted him.  It's a natural thing to want to seek out your biological family.  The other reasons might be for medical history.  In my husband's case, he really only wants to know medical back ground, and not so much develop a relationship with his biological mom.  Truthfully, I think he might fear rejection from the biological side.

  25. i was not unhappy about my growing up.  i loved/still love my aparents.  a LOT.

    it never negated my need to know my roots.  thank god they supported me 110% in finding my first family.  THAT made me a lot saner!

  26. No I do not think this.  I know several people who were adopted and grew up very very happy.  I think they contacted their birth parents out of curiosity and with full support of their parents.

  27. It is human nature to want to know your roots. Most adoptees consider contacting their birth families at one time or another, even if they never actually do. In my family, we don't differentiate between natural, step, adopted, foster, etc. family members. We all know who is what (never lie about a child's origin), but it never matters. The "secret" to making sure adoptees grow up happy is the same as the one for biological children: treat all family members as family members.

  28. No, I don't think that. I do think all adoptions should be open if it would not be harmful to the child to have contact with their natural families, and I think ALL original birth information and genetic history should be available to the child no matter what.

  29. No not at all. I think its a curiosity and a right to know where we came from. I tret mine as an oppitunity, as something to acomplish. Thats because thats how I felt after I found my bios. I had took the oppitunity to find them, and accomplished my goal of finding out who I really was. It was an identity thing. I am really proud of it too. It was very emotional but worth every tear.

    I love my parents to death, but I needed to fill that hole in my life. I am a happy adoptee now that I know about me.
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