Do you think people have stopped trying to adopt based on learning from those in YA?

Question

I do not believe in adoption, after seeing the effects on my half-brothers. However, many come to YA seeking more info on adoption, and I assume many come with positive ideas and hopes for adoption - after all, the media paints it as such a "wonderful option."

Do you think that by reading any of the adoptees responses on abandonment issues, etc. has changed their mind? Are you one of those people? Have you stopped your adoption plans?

Answer 1

I know many adopted people who are happy, succesful, healthy and fulfilled.  One woman that I know of went on to adopt 5 children of her own, because her own experience was so positive she wanted to give other orphans the same opportunities she had.  

Some parents are good and some are bad - whether their children are born by them or adopted.

Answer 2

You know if there good people that want to help a child and realize that the child will have needs greater then if they have a child of there own, GREAT

If there looking at it with that the child will be normal and have no problems that's when the parent and adoptive child will have issues. And it's the child that gets hurt. and thoughs people shouldn't adopt other then babies and little kids

Not sure if good parents stopped adopting over these issues, I hope not. We have to many bad parents adopting then abusing there kids. But if teenage girls keep there children hearing about the bad parents, good.

Personally I think more light needs to be shown. No one should turn there child over to someone not knowing the family that there giving there child too. And DHS needs to do more to protect the children that they have

There is good people out there, I know a good adoptive and foster mother and I know two horrible ones...  It's the people but more people need ALL the info not part of it

You hear about happy stories more then the sad.

Answer 3

Well I still have plans to hopefully adopt one day. Despite some of the unfortunate things I have read about other peoples adoptions.  I still want to adopt one day. Adoption is not going to ever end. So why should children and babies who truly need a loving home and parent(s) not get one?  I realize adoption isn’t all positive but its not all negative either. Nothing in this world is 100% positive or 100% negative.  

If I ever adopt I will be completely forward with my adopted child(ren). I will also try to collect as much information as i can about their brithfamily that i can get.  I will share it with them if they want it and when they are age appropriate for certain things. If they want to one day search I will assist them in any way or just support them if they feel they have to search alone.

If I adopt international I will educate myself on the country and its cultures, even learn the native language, if  I adopted a young child I would make sure they learned their native tongue or continue  to speak it  if they are older. Like having a few days a week where we’d only speak in the child’s native tongue in the house, watched videos on tv , read books, played board games etc in the native tongue.  I would also if affordable take a family trip to the native country at least every 3 years, more if it’s in the budget. Even celebrated major hoildays in their native country.

If I adopt from USA it would be through FCS or children that are already surrendered.  If I adopted a young toddler or baby who had a name I would keep their first and middle name. If I did change their first name their original first and middle names would become middle names  If I adopted an older child I would give them the option of keeping their birth surname or taking their new family’s surname. After all I figure a name is just a name and there are so many people now a day that live in the same household and are a family but you may have several different surnames in the house.

Hopefully seeing many stories both good and bad, if I one day adopt I will be more prepared to help my child any way that I can. Whatever part of the spectrum they happen to fall on. As well as any person hoping to one day adopt or already has adopted children.

Answer 4

No, people make choices on what is best for them. They're not going to base a life choice on what some says to them.

Answer 5

I asked a question in this category once because my husband and I are struggling with infertility and we were thinking about adoption.  I was ripped apart for wanting to adopt.  We haven't made a definite decision about whether we will or not, but it definitely didn't persuade me to do it.  If we pursue infertility treatment, a lot of people will be mad because we didn't adopt.  If we adopt, it sounds like there are a lot of people who will be mad because we adopted, maybe even the child.  I'm not sure I can face the reality that if we adopt a child, the child will resent us because we adopted him or her.  I want to be a mom more than anything, but I don't want my kids to feel that I ruined their life by wanting and adopting them.  Maybe we're just not meant to be parents at all.

Answer 6

Nope.  Just the opposite.  I think I'll be a much better adoptive parent because I'm aware of the issues my kids will be facing, and I'll be a lot more prepared to do what needs to be done to help.  Then again, I have a desire and a willingness to do whatever it takes to help my kids...many PAP's haven't thought about it that way.  They just want a family.  I want a whole lot more than a family.  Kids aren't toys, and they're not a way to satisfy my longings.  They're a miracle, a daily lesson, an experience (good and bad, and everything in between), and I'm willing to take them as a whole, exactly the way they are when they arrive.  Attachment disorders, brain damage, fears, hopes, dreams, hatred and anger, good days, bad days, and everything else that comes with them.

Answer 7

I have three adopted children, and I would still adopt more if I had the resources to care for more children.  But then, my husband and I explored all the issues that are discussed here before we did our first adoption.  I got a lot of advice from my friends who are adopted, we read lots of books by adoptees.

The thing is, there are children who need homes. Not all adoption is bad. My husband and I didn't want to get into private adoption in the US because to us that seemed to hinge on convincing a mother to give up her baby - and a whole lot of cash. No way did we want to be a part of that. We tried to adopt through foster care, but it didn't work out. So we adopted internationally - first a toddler with medical issues (he'll have them all his life) and then an older sibling pair (one with medical issues).  

We adopted our daughter when she was six. One night we were looking at pictures of her family and I told her how sorry I was that she had to be adopted instead of living with her family who must have loved her so much. Her response - "Why would you be sorry? My Daddy  took us away and left us. I thought I'd have to take care of my brother all alone."  She's especially bitter because she says they weren't poor. Her daddy had money, but he used it to drink. Her mom didn't come home a lot. A teenage sister ran the home.

With our other son, we are able to keep in touch with his mother. We sent her money so that she could provide for the three children she has had since.  We set her and her boyfriend up in a business, the boyfriend sold up and left.  She has a  new boyfriend who would like cash for his HIV meds, but experience has taught us - we want to pay the clinic directly.  My son's mom and her newest baby are waiting on their own HIV test results.  And my son's two younger brothers - one has died, and they took the five year old out of school (I was paying the school) and sold him to a farmer to watch goats. I'm happy to have the opportunity to assist my son's family and have news of them, but I have no guilt that my son is living here with me instead of with them.  His medical problems are such that if he had stayed there, he would be dead now too.  (I'm NOT expecting my son to be grateful, I'm grateful).

Yes, the kids are losing their culture by living here, but there aren't enough homes in the countries they came from. We have managed to find & make friends among local immigrant communities so our kids can still speak their langauge and play the games/sing the songs they used to.  We prepare them food from their countries, celebrate their holidays. We're doing the best we can.

Answer 8

No, I do not think that anyone's decision to adopt is going to be changed by what they find here at Yahoo! Answers.

What I have found here is that there are some people that are against adoption altogether, some that have issues with the adoption process, and some that are pro adoption.  Sure, adoption has its flaws-EVERYTHING does.  

When I hear someone say "I did not ask to be adopted"...it reminds me of a teenager saying "I did not ask to be born".  It sounds more like a temper tantrum to me than it does a valid argument.  Children do not ask to have medical care, either, but we still take them to the doctor.  Sure, some might not get sick if they did not go to the doctor...but we still take them.  

I intend to adopt interntionally.  I was led to adopt from China many years ago.  I wish it was not necessary-and in fact, in many cases it probably is not.  China's law (a lot deeper than the "one child policy" that everyone knows about) means a lot of women give up their children  against their will, and would probably care for and love them if they could.  Does that mean that I should let that child, that has already been abandoned, live in an orphanage all of her life and not have a family?  Of course not!  

I have no personal experience with adoption, but I know a lot of people who have adopted or who are themselves adopted.  I understand the issues involved, to the best extent I can understand them without living them myself, and I agree on some of the issues.  However, I will never agree that adoption is an ugly thing-it is sad when it turns out bad, but in most circumstances I believe it is a beautiful thing.

I think that there are some things that should be changed about adoption, both private, foster, and international.  However, I will not abstain from adopting because of the issues that need to be addressed, and I honestly do not think that many will.  I do think that I will have a good idea of issues that my child might face, though, and be able to better assist him/her with those issues.

EDITED TO ADD: A lot of adoptees with bitter feelings assume that all adoptive parents want to steal a child and all of his/her past.  That is not the case.  Planning to adopt from China, our family has spent years learning about the language, history, culture, etc.  I have been happy to hear that there are now DNA databases for adoptive parents to learn if their children have biological siblings that have also been adopted.  And, if ever possible, I would not only assist but would encourage my child to find their birth family.  

They also read negativeness into anything you ask or say, such as with many answers to a question I asked today.  I simply asked out of curiousity, and had more than one people accuse me of things that are not true.

Answer 9

Yes.  I think this site does have influence. I know that my views have changed in some ways since coming on this site and people are always expressing how much they have learned or "grown."  I'm not sure if anyone would not adopt based on this site,   a person might reconsider given their child up.

I think it is possible that the strength of some of these messages can influence other's behavior.   These are "real" people with "real" issues behind the cartoon faces, some who take these answers very seriously.  We have to be careful not to underestimate the power of words.

Answer 10

no, i don't think they could care less most of the time. Sure some people here have opened up some minds to some issues in aodption that they'd never addressed before, but y!A's won't be putting a dent into the adoption industry any time soon.

Most paps go into it for themselves, not the children so.... hearing the grown adoptees speak...probably makes no difference to many.

For the few and far between who listen though rock on with your bad selves!

Answer 11

i doubt it because some of them come on here and ask questions that they already have a preconcieved answer to, and some people feel like oh well i'm not the same as that family i can do it better, and some people just don't like to be told no.

As much as people get pissed at us for expressing our experiences i doubt it has detered very many people. i just hope it made some of them reconsider some of the things they may do in the future (hide the adoption, get self centered when it comes to finding the birth family, and how they treat the birth mother)

Answer 12

I think everyone should do what's right for them . Your sweet for being concerned though .

Answer 13

doubtful.  People probably say "good god, what a fanatic" and blow some of the opinions off; others might consider some of what's said . . .

but truthfully, if someone allows Yahoo Answers to define whether or not they should adopt or relinquish, then there's worse problems.  People have to look in to themselves and trusted friends and families -- not let a bunch of strangers arguing with each other pick their outcomes for them . . .

Answer 14

I have learned alot. I came in looking at adoption from my personnal experience and only knowing how I felt. I have come to learn alot about adoptees and feelings and issues I was completely unaware of. I have learned that other countries really put the children first. I have learned so much, I could go on and on. Yes, it is making a difference. I talk to my son about different scenerios and termonology, when they come up in a discussion. He in turn, will tell his friends and I think it will have a domino effect. It may not seem like much is happening, but it is. I know people very close to me or learning from what I tell them.

We may not see it right now with this generation of PAP's, but down the road, I think future generations will think differently if we forge ahead as we are.

Answer 15

TBH, people on here paint adoption as a selfish thing to do. So it works both ways. You have to understand that not every adoptee has issues or has had negative feelings in thier adoption. But people must also realise that there are people who have had negative experiences and DO feel a loss. Adoption has TWO sides to it, not just doom and gloom. d**n those selfish adoptive parents and d**n those greedy social workers! Its pathetic. Two sides, thats all I will say.

Answer 16

Despite the fact that some people here try to paint all adoption as dreary and horrible, I doubt being here has changed anyone's minds about planning to adopt.

Hopefully they are a little more informed and realize that there will possibly be issues and can be better prepared for them if they do adopt.

Not all adoption is horrible, not all adoption is great.

Answer 17

no.

however, in defense of some really wonderful apaps on here (eg. wynner, bdpmom, cowboy fan and several others)  i do think that there has been a bit more sensitivity regarding f-mom/adoptee loss.

but...most just dismiss us as loud-mouthed, trouble-making, bitter n**i trolls. and have no problem coveting the wombs of fertile young women.

tragic...

Answer 18

Nope.  It just educates them.  They are learning about how to help their child if/when the issues come up.  So, even if you are not for adoption- keep giving your honest opinion.  You are entitled to it...  just as others are entitled to theirs...  and people do listen to you- they just may not take your advice literally.  If someone has a loving drive to be a parent, adopting a child is a great choice.  

Pro-adoption, adoptive-parent, Kristy

Answer 19

What I hope is that people will 1) give more consideration to kinship care or guardianship when appropriate, 2) adopt ethically, 3) understand that raising an adoptee should not result in wiping out the person's entire heritage and history, and/or 4) do more to help others in need.

There will always be a need for homes for children.  It is too bad that we do such a shabby job of it in the US.