Do you think single women who change boyfriends like they change underwear should be allowed to adopt?

Question

Maybe I'm being overdramatic but I don't think single women who allow men to live with them should be allowed to adopt. I had a friend who was molested by her mom's live in boyfriend. I think it's very irresponsible to allow a man to live with you when you have young children or when you wan to adopt young children.

I'm not talking about women who have been living with a man for years. That's different. I'm talking about women who date a man for just a few months and then allow him to move in with them. This is a pattern in their life. I've seen this a lot on the adoption forum and it really saddens me. It's very irresponsible and potentially dangerous. What do you think?

Answer 1

Don't let them get to you.  Sadly there are women who put their men above their children especially when safety is at stake.  I think its wrong no matter if you are adopting or raising your own.

Answer 2

I think your question is too narrow.  

Irresponsible people who make poor lifestyle choices should not be allowed to adopt.  That includes a wide range of issues.  Your focus on single women who change boyfriends is just one scenario where it doesn't seem like adoption is a good idea.  Your question also makes an assumption that the boyfriends these women get involved with are all dangerous to children.

You are taking a narrow view.

The best thing for a child is to be adopted into a stable loving home.  Judging what is a stable loving home is not easy.  Assumptions do not help.

Answer 3

I think you are judging people when you have no right.  Just because someone might live a different lifestyle than you, that doesn't mean that she will be a bad mother.  Why should she not be allowed to adopt?  There are dangers in every relationship.  It is not irresponsible to let a man live with you.  Are you one of those bible thumper type people that thinks everyone should live their life a certain way?  You think two people living together is irresponsible on her part and that should she should not be allowe to adopt.  What about couples who adopt only to control every aspect of that kids life forever.  What about the couples that think it was okay that their daughter was raped just because they did not agree with were she was at the time.  Isn't that just as irresponsible.  I met my husband on March 26.  Started datng on June 25.  Moved in on July 4.  Got married on August 27.  That was 20 years ago.  To say that I should not be able to adopt just because you don't agree with my time table is assinine.  I'm sure that I could find several reasons that you should not be able to adopt.  Just because you do not approve is not a valid reason.  You don't have a right to say someone should not be allowed to adopt because you do not like their timetable.  You should not judge others as a bad mother just because she lets a man move in with her.  How do you know that they will not be together forever.  Just because she let a man move in sooner than you think is appropriate should not be grounds to be told she can not adopt.

Answer 4

I agree with you but from the standpoint of all single parents and children.  I know quite a few divorced couples who are now back on the dating scene.  It drives me crazy when they move in a new boyfriend/girlfriend while their kids are there.  How confusing that must be to the children!  These kids (adopted or not) have already experienced such a huge loss of a parent, I can't imagine what they must think if Mommy or Daddy has a "revolving door" on the house with partners.

I do agree though that it is different if you have been in a relationship for years and the person is in your life for a long time.  If it is a stable relationship, then it is a bit different.  But overall if it is just a passing thing, children should not be introduced to that type of "come & go" situation.

Answer 5

All I can add is my two cents and how I live my life.

I have never moved a man in with my child and I. I never will. I did live with someone for three years but my eldest daughter is not with me full time and I have never allowed anyone in my life to assume care for her while she is with me.  This is the only "boyfriend" of mine that she has spent any time with, she is 10 now. I have seen firsthand the devastation that occurs when adults walk in and out of a child's life. I refuse to put my children through that if it can be avoided. I have little tolerance for serial daters when it comes to exposing the child to that. My daughter is aware that "mommy goes on dates" but I don't bring every second one home. If she happens to meet them then fine, but there will not be any stepdad/daughter bonding until there is a stepdad in the legal sense. That is what her father is for.

I think it is irresponsible for any single parent. I firmly believe that one parent is better than 30 or 40.

Answer 6

The adoption process is America is very strict, many good married families wait for a long time, and they have perfect records...I take it you are worrying about someone in particular, and I wouldn't...the courts will not allow this to happen...they will be waiting and waiting in line but will not get a baby....but it's very nice of you to be concerned...

Answer 7

definetly not-that is usually a situation that the child/ren are taken out of

Answer 8

I partiallly agree with you, especially if everytime she gets a new boyfriend she has the kids call him daddy. That is way to confusing for the kids. Also, depending on the man, it could be dangerous for them.

But then again, the agencies should be aware of what her life is like. I cant see them putting a child into that sort of life.

Other than that there are lots of single women out there that would make wonderful mothers.

Answer 9

i think you should be able to adopt you are just trying to find the right person to be with but in til you can hold a solid relationship you should wait

Answer 10

hey cb_fan...

although i feel where you're coming from...i do have to *respectfully* acknowledge that your question reads a bit too emotional.

__________________________

until i married my husband 3 years ago, i was a single parent.  and like many have stated, there is a huge responsibility with regards to dating and having children.

i do think that there needs to be some rules of engagement when dating with children.  and having men live-in is probably a big no-no...

regarding molestation: although it is plausible that a mom's bf would be less inclined to have trepidation molesting his girlfriend's child than a natural father, there is evidence which suggests that family members unfortunately molest children at very similar rates.  the variable for me (regarding having live-in lovers) is that the child might becomes confused about the role of the bf; and the bf might become confused about his role in the child's life.

what i have noticed to be the case, is that the bf tends to be emotionally aloof and physically/psychologically  abusive towards the child.

there are several reasons to rationalize what you suggest.  and most of us do agree with you.  dating while single w/children should be done respectfully and responsibility. and an adoptive mother should be held to the same standards.

take care...

Answer 11

i am single and i will not even consider bringing a man into the house with my daughter unless i have developed a serious relationship with him. my daughter will never meet guy i date, until i am ready to marry him...  (which hasn't happened so far).  once kids get to a certain age, they understand the difference between a friend and a "more-than-a-friend," and i think it's confusing for a child to see their parent with many different partners. so- no i don't think "single women who change boyfriends like they change underwear should be allowed to adopt," but i don't know how the government can regulate something like that. a woman who wants to adopt badly enough can probably find ways of tricking the adoption  agency.

Answer 12

I think your phrasing is a bit dramatic, but I agree that people who can't responsibly commit to one spouse/partner are probably not ready to be parents.

Answer 13

I sort of agree with your logic.  While I am a single mother, I am not looking to adopt, but I find it distasteful of women who have the "revolving door" boyfriends whether they are looking to adopt or already have children (whether bio or adopted).  I've been seeing a guy for about three months and I would not dream of moving in with him anytime soon.  He has only had brief contact with my child.  He has brought it up a few times, but I have always told him not now.  It may be years before I feel ok enough for him to reside with me and my child.  Too many women put getting laid before their children.  Too many children get hurt in these types of situations.

Answer 14

I agree - that would not be a stable environment or in  the best interests of the child

Answer 15

I agree with you 100%, and for the record, in reference to an above comment. The fact that you have been married to the same man for 20 years disqualifies you. Your not what she is talking about. It's about the revolving door of men that young vulnerable children are exposed to on a regular basis. It's not safe and it's not healthy. These women try men on like they were shoe shopping, having no regard for the children or the men they discard. You never know when that behavior can turn into a dangerous situation for themselves and/or the children. Dating is a grueling proccess that most people do not enjoy, but is neccessary to find a mate. We are all entitled to a happy union, but common sense and a little protective instinct should go hand in hand with dating for both men and women, especially ones with children. I may be nieve here but I am having trouble wrapping my head around an adoption taking place if this is going on before a child is placed. Is the system that despirate to place children that they would allow this?

Answer 16

I think you are a little out of line. A lot of times children are molested by family members not just a boyfriend. A single mother can be suitable for adoption and that is left up to the courts and agencies so you should calm down.