Do you think some amothers don't GET nmothers because they haven't given birth?

Question

Is the gulf too wide between the experiences? This question made me think this;

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080811133658AADC8Zy&r=w#GrFNDGm8A1hlvPQQcwof

Answer 1

I don't know, Sunny.  I just lost my kids' first mother, so probably shouldn't be trying to answer questions, but I would like to thing that I did "get" her.  We spent the past 2 1/2 years getting to know each other and I respected that she went through the birth and I wanted to know everything she was willing to tell me about it.  She was my friend within months of us fostering the kids and I miss her already.  I think as aparents, we need to bridge the gap and make a connection the the first mothers.  We need to "get"each other.

Answer 2

Of course, and I think some Nmothers don't get Amothers because they did not parent the child.  Sometimes I think everyone tries to only understand the Nparent point of view and not the Aparents.  So overall I think understanding is lacking in all aspects.

Answer 3

I can't understand your question. Rephrase it.

Answer 4

yeah G

Answer 5

No I'm even closer with my mom than most people, and I'm adopted.

Answer 6

Personally, i can tell you I don't get nmothers. THAT is only because i have not had a baby grow inside of me and given birth. There is no way i could say to someone that i know how they feel if they are pregnant because i have never been pregnant before.

In the same token i don't get amothers because i have never adopted. So, i don't know the complex of a reletionship from a mothers point of view in adoption. I can only speak of the view from an adoptee's stand point.

Answer 7

I think that this is a really good question.  I don't think that a amother, who hasn't given birth, can understand the bond that a nmother has with her child.  You know some things about your nchild before it is even born.  

For nmothers- before you had your first child could you imagine what it would feel like to be a mom and if you did imagine what it would feel like, was your imagination accurate?  I know that I thought I knew what it was gonna be like when I was pregnant for the first time.  I had a lot of nieces and nephews that I took care of often and loved deeply.  Even so it was way different then I imagined it would be.  

I am not saying that aparents don't love their achildren but the bond can not be the same because they are not biologically related.  That is not to say that they would not have a loving and close relationship that is unique, it is just different.  

Answer 8

Yes, I think it is true.  There is no way one can know the bond that a mother and baby feel throughout pregnancy and the powerful maternal bond at birth.  It sounds corny until you have experienced it and when you do it blows you away.

I don't think people look down on adopted mothers because they haven't experienced this.  I think those who have given birth just want the significance of it acknowledged.  Once you have gone through pregnancy and childbirth you understand the heart wrenching magnitude of giving a child up for adoption.

I think many don't get nmothers because they haven't experienced childbirth.  I also know that I don't often "get" amothers because I can't understand the tremendous bond they feel without this experience.  My mother (adopted) and I have discussed this many times, particularly when I was pregnant.  It took us both awhile to acknowledge that we both had meaningful experiences, they were just very different.  For me, just simply acknowledging the difference is key.

Answer 9

Yes. I'm struggling with posting an answer that doesn't "out" my mothers more than is nice.

I think it goes both ways. My natural mother lost raising a child from my adoption, and never raised one after, so she's very unparent like in the areas you learn about mothering from experience.

My amother doesn't understand the child/mother bond from pregnancy at all, and actually advocates for separation because she thinks its healthy and natural.

wierd.  

Answer 10

Great question.  Yes, I do think that is true in many cases.  Because of that many adoptive moms dismiss and trivialize the deep biological bond that occurs between mother and baby in those precious moments after birth.  The dismissal of that bond is very harmful to the children and the natural mother.

In the same respect, how many infertile, adoptive parents have you heard scoffing at birth control failures?  Because they can't get pregnant, the scoffers absolutely refuse to believe that birth control is not 100% effective (even when used as prescribed).  They chide women who experience unplanned pregnancies for their "careless behavior" and use that as a weapon to question the expectant parent's ability to be good parents and to assert their moral superiority as saintly adopters.

Answer 11

Well, I may not have had a child. But I have a biological mother who raised me, loved me, and still will do anything for me. We're very close. I've tested her, tried her patience, but never for a moment had any reason to doubt her love.

So, yeah, I think to a great degree I "get" the love of a mother for her child.. I "get" biological mothers. I may have been on the OTHER end

of the bond, but I am still aware of the bond.

Get some counseling for your hate of people who are infertile.. seriously..

Answer 12

I can only imagine what nmothers feel. I haven't given birth and though I love my son as much as I possibly can, I have no idea what it's like to love a child I've given birth to.

PS - Don't you love it when people who don't have a clue post answers here? Hahahahahahaha.  

Answer 13

Absolutely, I believe that to be true!  I can only speak for myself, but I can't begin to imagine what my son's first mom must have gone through emotionally and physically.  

In the same breath, I think the same can be said about some first moms or adoptees vs some adoptive parents who have suffered infertility.  Not all, but some.  

I think that is why it is so important here in Y!A to not generalize everyone when asking/answering questions.  Every person and every adoption is unique and everyone should be able to voice their stories here if they choose to do so.  

Answer 14

Absolutely.



Some are clueless and so caught up in themselves and their own feelings/wants to understand anyone else's or even care for that matter.

Answer 15

... why is the question hard to understand? I understood it perfectly and I'm not a parent at all. :\

"Do you think that some adoptive mothers cannot understand the natural bonding process between a child and that child's biological mother because SOME adoptive mothers have not or cannot give(n) birth?"

OR

"Do you think that some adoptive mothers cannot understand the grief and sorrow that occurs when the biological mother is separated from her child?"

Answer 16

I don't know why that question made you think of this question, but I think unless you actually walk in someone elses' shoes, you will never "get" them.  

It works vice versa, unless you are an adoptive parent, you will never know what that feels like either.

I second that you really need to get some counselling.  It's not safe for you to harbor all those negative feelings.  They will get all bottled up and make you old way to fast.

Answer 17

Absolutely! Before I became a mother, I didn't like babies, and I didn't ever want children, then I got pregnant. Giving birth and those first few weeks TOTALLY changed how I felt.

Answer 18

yes...yes...yes...yes..yes...yes.., infinity.

although, some amoms will accept that their experience is different and sincerely respect nmoms, there appears to be a cohort of amoms who simply don't get it.

these are the lassies who get upset when fmoms change their minds, co-opt post partum depression, believe that their experience is ''the same as pregnancy'', think that pregnancy and childbirth is simply a ''9-month ordeal that ends with 'squeezing out a kid' or don't understand that hormones of pregnancy and childbirth are NOT the same as "really wanting a baby."  i can go on..

ps. newsflash: not all women who give birth relinquish and some women who relinquished do have their own children.  so the argument by a poster that "what about amoms who are raising kids...or something like that (i'm too lazy to get the exact quote)" is a logical fallacy. amoms are NOT the only people who raise children. oh...the kool-aid.

good question.

ps.  i understood your question ... i guess 'hooked on phonics' worked for me :-)

Answer 19

Yes, Sunny.  

I would have to agree with you, here.  "Some" and i use that term loosely, it seems will never get IT!  Most of the aparents here that have not given birth still have amazing insight, understanding and compassion for nmothers.  A few do not.

*bangs head against wall*

ETA:

amother = adoptive mother

nmother = natural mother

Fazizzle, if you don't understand adoption terms then don't answer the question, instead of attacking the asker.