Do you think that act of giving birth entitles that child to your cash?

Question

Due to a teenage pregnancy, I dropped out of school and gave birth. I decided to have an informal type adoption with a family member from the father's family, who requested that I maintain zero contact, which I agreed. After going to night school, I finally made it to college, graduated and became financially successful as the child grew up to be a 20-year old. Upon hearing of my wealth, the 20-yr. old suddenly became "interested" in meeting with me. I discovered he was unemployed and had a long police record with drug use and assaulting a policeman. His "interest" in me, however, suddenly diminished when he realized that he wasn't going to get any cash, which he asked for. 6 months later, he called again, this time to inform me he was having a child. I wished him the best, but told him I was uncomfortable with him making any future contact with me. Was that wrong? What would you have done?

Answer 1

i know you gave him up and hes grown now.  i wont say it was wrong, but i would of reacted a little differently. made sure he was clean so he dont put the baby in any danger. even though he was adopted that child is still your grandchild. by the way congratulations.

Answer 2

I'm just going to take the violation for this....

You sound cold hearted and I'm glad you're not my mother. Talk about selfish.

go ahead, someone issue me a violation.

This is just low. I don't know if there is anything lower than a mother, who gives up her child to someone else, and then doesn't embrace him in her life or try to help him in any way, and is only concerned about her keeping her money.

bleck, i'm grossed out.

Answer 3

Nope, you are not wrong.  As many say, it's the right to free association.  You've asked that he not contact you and he continues to do so.  he is not recognized by law as your child therefore not entitled to any inheritance, SS benefits or anything like that of yours.

too bad he ended up being such a loser with drug use and assault.  Some here will tell you it's all because of hte adoption but you say he was adopted within the family which i guess kind of blows their argument out of the water.  

congratulations on the success you have achieved in your life.

Answer 4

Congratulations, you've just proven his point.  His own flesh and blood doesn't love him.  He is unloveable.  No wonder he's an addict.

Btw, I am not suggesting that you should have given him money.  Some compassion and love would have been nice, though.  He sought to prove that he was unloveable by coming to you in an inappropriate manner, and for inappropriate reasons.  Your actions proved him right.

Answer 5

Due to your unique situation, I would agree that your biological child has no right to ask you for money.  If you'd maintained regular contact and support over their childhood, then I may feel differently.  But you were never in the position of their parent, despite giving birth.  Since it is clear that this person has a toxic personality, I find it acceptable to cut ties with him.

Answer 6

The act of giving birth doesn't entitle anyone's children over age 18 to their parents' money, whether the parents raised that child or not.

ETA:

I wanted to add in order to say a few words beyond the legal aspect.  Outside of inheritance rights, no one is entitled to money from their parents beyond age 18 -- true enough.

However, when a person brings a child into the world, there are more than just the legal responsibilities involved.  There are ethical responsibilities.  If legal responsibilities were all that mattered, parents wouldn't be expected to love their children.  However, in our society, there is an expectation of parental love toward one's children.

So, you didn't raise your child -- the person that you refer to as "the" child and "the" 20-yr. old."  Your son's father's family raised him.  Even so, you do have a son and you are about to have a grandchild.  You don't have to give money.  But, would it not be the right thing to do to offer some support?  Can you look at your own flesh and blood in the eyes and simply see just "the" 20-yr. old?  You are so emotionally removed from your son.  Don't you see the pain when you look into those eyes?  People don't end up on drugs because they're happy.  Your son must have pain or I doubt he'd have gone that route.

You can open up to your son, a little at a time, without the whole money issue.  He needs a lot more than money, anyway in order to heal.  I'm sure he's not the son you imagined he would be.  But, you aren't being much of a mom here, either.  Try taking the lead and opening the emotional door some.  Perhaps counseling will be needed.  But, isn't it time for some healing?

Answer 7

No your birthchild is not entitled to any of your money.  Its wise you choose not to if he has drug problems we know what he would likely use the money for. Even if you don’t care surely you wouldn’t want your earned money to go to a drug dealer.   Do you know if he was really having a kid, or perhaps he said this hoping you would take pity on him and give him some money. Either way if he does have a kid it’s his responsibility to provide, not birthgrandmas. It is also not your responsibility to provide for your birthgrandchild. The child’s grandparents and parents can do that.  

If he is a violent person its understandable you would not want ties with him.  If this young man counties to harass you I would change your phone number and have it unlisted. If anyone should help this young man it his parents, the ones who raised him, and his family, you said he was adopted by family of his biological father’s.

Even if he was not legally adopted he still is not entitled to your money, you can simple declare in  your will that he is not to receive a penny of your wealth. Look at that  woman that died last year who gave much of her wealthy to her dog, and even disinherited two grandchildren , all she put was that they would know why.

Answer 8

My parents wouldn't give me money in the situation you describe. I don't know that it has anything to do with being adopted.  They just wouldn't give money to someone who from all appearances was going to throw it away.  

So he's going to have a child.  Unless he wants you to buy him a suit to wear to job interviews so he can better support his child...  you still don't know what's going to happen to the money.

Answer 9

It's fine this is your life, you made a choice a long time ago, you don't need to apologize to us or anyone else. You might want to call his parents.

Answer 10

This is a situation that plays out in many families - adopted and through birth.  No difference here.  Many twenty year olds are rude, greedy and selfish, and look to their parents as money cows.

He may or may not have had these problems if parented by you, so don't let the mongers shame and blame you.  Drug addiction is rampant in this country (world!) and cannot be blamed on any one thing, especially not adoption!  

Most adoptees who enter adoption from a voluntary relinquishment (not foster care or involuntary relinquishment) fare the same or better in almost every area than bio kids.

That being said, if you have made sincere attempts as a parent to connect on some level with this young man, and he repeatedly refuses to see you as a human being rather than a bank, then enough said.  If however, you have not made these attempts, and feel that you can and want to, then you may want to consider trying.  Set your boundaries, and see what happens.  If he really gets it, and sees that you are not the gold mine he originally hoped for, but sees that you do have something very valuable to contribute to his life, he may come around, with time.

Good luck to you!

Answer 11

This is going to sound kinda harsh but this is MY experence with this. I was abandoned at birth by my father. I had issues involving abandonment that still haunt me to this day, cause if you own dad doesn't love you enough....who will. The fact is when I did meet my dad at 17 I felt that he owed me.. I did, it may have been wrong but there was so much that he should have been there for and done for me but he didn't. He was there for my brothers but not for me. His only daughter. You cannot imagine how hurtful that is and how is effects you and your life. Anyway I felt he owed me and truthfully it was easier to ask for cold hard cash then other emotional things that I needed. It was easy to pretend that him giving me money was somehow going to make up for missed birthdays and 17 years of night kisses. I am not condoning what your son is doing but please look at his motives may be. At 20 he may not be emotionaly mature enough to tell you what he really needs and or wants. He may not be able to express that what he really needs and like I said it's easier to ask for cash..

With that said I do not know about anyone else here. I only know about what I felt and how I delt with my feelings as an immature person with loads of hurt. I think perhaps you should speak to a counsler on boundries and perhaps you can arrange a few sessions with you son. Please don't cut him off, he is hurting and needs resolution not reafformation that he is unloved and unwanted.

********* ADDED**********

As for the felony. I can tell you this my husband has a felony from when he was 18. He was lost, confused and angry. He is now 31 and the kindest, most amazing man who does mission work here in Romania working with abandoned children. Do not assume that a mistake you son made at 19 dictates who he his. He is an angry and lost BOY who with your help could become an amazing MAN one day. I know I look at my husband whom I have been with since he was 15 and I know people grow a lot and that your behaviour as a teen and young adult DOES NOT DEFINE YOU.  Perhaps you should cut him some slack and judge him less harshly.

Answer 12

Why not pay for rehab?  And tell him the only way you'll pay for anything EVER, is if he gets sober.

No, you don't OWE him anything legally, but morally?  Hmmm. You didn't just 'give birth'.  You created a human being that shares 50% of your DNA.  Have you introduced him to his father?  Why don't the two of you have an 'intervention' of sorts for him, show some compassion and support?

I'm glad giving your child up for adoption worked out for you.  Your son however has become an adoption statistic.  Adoption is rough on males.  I have an adopted brother who is just like your son, except he's 42.  Why not give your child a second chance (like you had) and maybe he could make something of himself.  A lot can change for a twenty y.o.!

The guy is lost. Have a heart.

Some articles on adoption that you should read:

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

ETA: The poster who said that 'biological' children are just like adopted kids.  This is FALSE.  Adopted people have much higher rates of addiction, suicides, eating disorders, and crime that leads them to prison (as prison populations prove)  You might want to look into ACS, The Adopted Child Syndrome.  David Kirschner, a psychologist who had NO preconceived notions about adopted children when he began his practice over 30 yrs. ago began to notice that adopted children shared MANY traits that non-adopted children did NOT have.

"Tough love" does not work on adopted children/adults!  We are not from intact biological families, please stop pretending we are.

Answer 13

You say that you set up an "informal type" kinship adoption. Who is listed on his birth certificate as his parents? If there was a legal adoption, he would have an amended BC with the adoptive parents' names on it. If you didn't do things legally, then you are still his legal mother. That means he does, in fact, have the right to inherit from you (depending on your state).

Many teenage boys - especially from broken homes, which is essentially his circumstance - get in trouble with the law. Kind of like how many teenage girls get themselves "in trouble" with an unwanted pregnancy. Fortunately, most young people are able to mature and develop into decent adults. You are proud of the fact that you have done so. Hopefully your son will follow in your footsteps.

I strongly suggest counseling for both of you (not together). You need to come to grips with the decision you made and its 20-year consequences. He needs to face the future with healthy goals in mind.

Answer 14

Nope, you can give money to anyone you want. You can leave your money to anyone you want. If you gave birth to a child who turned out to be a drug addict and you had kept that child would you support their habit then? You did good, it may hurt but it was still a good decision.

Answer 15

tough situation for sure...

but legally you have no responsibility to this child, but morally is another story.

he's obviously a troubled individual, do what you think is right I guess.

Answer 16

That's a very difficult situation.  Hopefully he will get help for his addiction and maybe someday you can have a real relationship.  I think with any drug addict its all about how to get money for the next fix so don't take it personal.  

As for your grandchild i would set up a college fund for the child.  I would also try to send gifts of formula, clothes, and toys.  Stuff like that hopefully that won't get returned and the baby actually gets to use them.  If he is even having a child and didn't use that as a ploy to get money out of you.

My heart goes out to you.  It is an extremely difficult issue to deal with.  I think what you did is right for now.  Maybe you can find some books that can tell you how to love a drug addict without contributing to his habit.  Good luck to you.

Answer 17

No it does not entitle him to your cash.  No offspring is 'entitled' to their parents' cash, adopted or not!

I do feel for this guy.   To be rejected by your mother once and adopted out . .  . . but twice?  No wonder he's gone off the rails.  Compassion and reaching out would be the order of the day in my book (sans the cash)

I second Gaia Rain's answer - she puts into words what I feel but can't verbalise.

Cut the guy some slack, please.  I hope you are someday able to take an interest in your own grandchild too.

Answer 18

I really don't think there is a right or wrong in these type situations.  I think it has to be what you are comfortable with.  I think if you made the right choice for you and your situation it was a good choice.  Each situation is different and all people have different feelings and reasons for doing what they do.

Answer 19

interesting.  sounds like a double standard here.  "his interest in you diminished" when he realized he wasnt going to get cash from you?  sorta like yours diminished when you realized he didnt turn out good enough for you.

now your "uncomfortable". sounds like hes been uncomfortabe for a long time.

Answer 20

Im not gonna tell you what you did was right or wrong, you did what was right for you and your self. And he is no longer your child by law he has no legal rights to any funds you have earned since giving him up. Wish him a good life and best wishes on the birth of his child and leave it at that, If he contacts you again which Im sad to say he might talk to your lawyers see if there is anything to be done. Who knows he might have gotten the hint and drop it.

Answer 21

This situation is so sad.  Your son obviously didn't fair as well as you did from the adoption.  Obviously you're under no obligation to help him, no parent ever is.  However, most parents will help their adult children throughout their lives, and he sounds like he could use some major help. What about the family that adopted him, have they tried to help him? Were they good to him as he grew up?

In a situation where someone is into drugs and crime, it's never a good idea just to give them cash, but I don't think it's right for you to turn your back on him completely unless you feel he is dangerous to you.  Maybe there's some way you can help to get him back on track.  Maybe help with rehab, education, something like that.  

Again, you obviously aren't obligated to help your son, but maybe you should rethink what you think is the right thing to do.  He is, after all, your flesh and blood.  You brought him into the world and made the decision of where to place him.  You may be his only hope right now.  These are just my thoughts, I don't really know enough about the situation and I'm certainly not judging you.  Best wishes to you and him.

Answer 22

This is a tough situation.  

Biological children sometimes lose their way, get into drugs and trouble with the law and sometimes, the only way for them to climb out of the hole they've dug for themselves  is for their parents to demonstrate "tough love" and let them hit rock bottom.  As he is an adult, I don't think you are doing him any favors by bailing him out and giving him "cash".

At some point, adults need to take responsibility for their own actions.

If it had been me, I wouldn't have given him "cash" either.  That's not helping, that's enabling.

Answer 23

What others would have done, or think they would have done, in the same circumstances is irrelevant. You made the decision that was the right one for you, and you were honest with him. If it feels right, then it was the right thing. Do not feel guilty. You were unable to care for him as a teenager, and you found him a home and a family. It is up to the family that raised him to give him the help that he needs now.