Do you think that forgiving our parents is imperative if we want to be healed in the fear of our relationships

Question

Do you think that forgiving our parents is imperative if we want to be healed in the fear of our relationships

Answer 1

Yes, you should forgive your parents because your parents will be there for you when you need them.

Answer 2

Whether I forgive my father or not will not change the fact that I am emotionally damaged and incapable of relationships.  He is a wealthy successful person who's left behind him a trail of emotional devastation.  He should not be forgiven, he should be punished for what he does to people.

Answer 3

I wouldn't know how to 'make myself' forgive something wrong done to me by a parent or family member. You can try to diminish it's importance or prominence in your mind, but you shouldn't 'have to' say that what was done was 'ok'. It is that realization of 'the truth' that continues to 'hurt', and trying to 'think it away' won't work if one is being honest with one's self. The only thing that I think works is to avoid, the best that you are able, thinking about the things done wrong. It isn't healthy to 'dwell'. *Dwell* is the key word, for we use wrongs done against us as justification for harmful behaviors.That's not healthy, either. But forgetting, well, that's impossible. We don't have to forget, but we shouldn't ruminate on it either. Some people build interior palaces around seeds of past hurt, and that's not healthy.

Odds are, though, you are going to keep encountering painful situations with other people throughout your life....not just echoes of  specific forms of mistreatment, but mistreatment in general. Mistreatment comes in various flavors. Human beings have meaness in them of various sorts and there is no getting away from it. I think one is justified in fearing relationships because people are prone to abusing others for selfish reasons. Selfishness and self centeredness is a serious problem in our societies. The lack of loving UNDERSTANDING and TIME FOR CARING is very prevalent.

Answer 4

not only forgiving but also forgetting sometimes.

The image of my father has haunted me for a long time, the abusive father that I loved with all my heart when I was a kid, the father which I've only seen 3 times since my parents' divorce at 6, the man I didn't even recognize when he showed up to our door after so many years, the father which has never sent me a Christmas or birthday card, the father who threatened me and forced me physically to sign a paper in which I was giving up the child support money... the father I can't even write in my stories about. I used to be blamed by the rest of my mom's family for being his daughter, every single mistake I've made was considered a sign of my... being his daughter.

It took me years of self analyze until I finally got over all those things, I can't even pronounce the word "father" without having a certain feeling of detachment from it. At a certain point in my life I realized that all my relationships were influenced by his image... somehow I tended to find weak and very thin guys... guys who were exactly his opposite. I tried to overcome my fear and make a different choice and it worked.

I only remember my father when I have to answer someone's question about him... the rest of the time, he's simply out of my life completely. I don't feel any resentment or hate... he is simply... not there.

Answer 5

Forgiving is imperative to be healed within ourselves.Do not fear relationships.Remember thereis good and bad in everyone.

Answer 6

Rita,

It depends upon just what you are to forgive them for. If they did something really terrible to you then you have to come to grips with what happened.

On the other hand, if it's because they schooled you, cared for you while you were sick, sat up with you when you had nightmares, changed your dipie when you did your number as a baby, maybe there's nothing for you to forgive but something for you to say thanks!

Just a thought.

The decision is actually...yours and you seem reasonable to me, even philosophical!

Answer 7

i guess................depends on the person tho cuz its not contant for everyone

but i thinkk tha forgiveness is a crucial part in all relationships

Answer 8

I think we need to forgive ourselves for the way we treated our parents, not the other way round...

Answer 9

hi princess

I think forgiveness is  great virtue and a manifestation of power....you get to overcome your inner weakness and fear and become the upper hand always....and that would create a balance that keeps your all relationships healthy.

keep the faith.

Pluto

Answer 10

Wow, I am going through this now. I won't bore you with the details, but last week I would have answered "no", and truly meant it and felt fine with it. But my ex girlfriend, now my best friend, talked me into doing that for my father. I was reluctant for so long thinking, no believing, that it was useless.

But what a weight that was lifted.

My answer now is yes

Answer 11

of course, and in forgiving your parents in all their faults,

it should help to realize that you are just like them, no matter how much you don't think you are

after forgiving mine, then becoming a parent, i actually apologized to my parents for all my wrongdoing

Answer 12

Hi! Rita,

Absolutely!

Forgiving is a way of allowing your heart aches escape from pain. It is purely the way to heal the pain you are carrying within your body. Most especially if the forgiveness will be given to the very lineage of your blood. Moreso it is highly needed for the life you carry originates from the very genes your parents carry. Forgiving is the best way to heal the wounds.

Thanks for asking. Have a great day!

Third P

Answer 13

Forgiving our parents?  That question itself is frightening to my mind.  What kind of offence parents could have given that the children are required to think on those lines.  It is simply unthinkable for me who has been brought up by loving and caring parents.  I can never be thankful enough and repay them in any way!

But it may be the difference in our cultures.  I see so much hatred and antagonism for parents on this site that it truly is shocking!  I used to think that these children are ungrateful until someone pointed out that many parents are not doing their parental duties as they should and are neglecting  their children.

Whatever the case may be...forgiveness plays an important part not only in healing relationships,  but furthering our own spiritual growth.  Grudges are blocks that warp our thinking,  our outlook...kind of shackles that keep us from moving forward.  One can never be truly free if s/he don't find forgiveness in oneself!

Answer 14

And then you have to forgive yourself for allowing

their problems to affect you so strongly.

Answer 15

It depends on you. If you have relationships that are not working as well as you want, or if you are simply struggling over what should be minor issues or decisions, then you can be grateful, since it is a heads-up that you are not resolving a deeper issue. Everyone has issues with their parents...everyone. This is because our patterns, our way of being develops from our guides which are our parents. Since as humans parents have developed from their own famial events and teachings, they use these to raise you...or rather they adapt, modify and give you the best of what they know. In this it might seem that it is lacking, or brutal, or okay...but when you take the step to let any restrictive thinking, any past hurts, any past pain, go, you are in fact parenting and nuturing yourself. When we understand that parents give us the best of what they knew, and imagine that what they dealt with was worse, it is easier to move on. Their are workshops and counsellors that specifically deal with this.

In relationships, our first ones serve as a foundation for those that follow, so if you heal this as your basis, and recreate a loving, accepting, solid one, then you are ready to accept another person into your life and it will start off on the right foot.

Answer 16

We are a composite of all that has gone before us and all we encounter.  Our parents are the root and source of our life.  If we forgive them, we begin to come to terms with the male and female within each of us.  There may or may not be abuses that have to be forgiven, but denial makes us prisoners to a past beyond our control.  As we forgive we also come to the maturity of acceptance. Nobody's perfect.  We must learn to love both the male and female that are parts of our origins, in so doing we come to an openness to better relationships with others significant in our lives.

[Honour your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land.]

[To forgive is not to allow the continuation of wrongs, but to bring them to the light of day and the possibility of retributive justice.  It is imperative that one not become the wrongs one has suffered, to do so continues the chain of abuse.  It is also imperative to understand the reasons and weaknesses that led to wrongs, so as to take action within one's own life.]

[I love my children deeply, and hope they forgive me.  As to proof that they do, both of my daughters have married wonderful men and given me beautful grandchildren who are happy and loved.]

Answer 17

Unless the offense we are forgiving was pretty terrible, then yes.  Many young people are disappointed with something their parents did or didn't do.  They need to ask themselves, 'will I do better?'  

As you get older, you realize that they had a pretty tough job and that kids don't come with an instruction book--anything they do to/for you is a balancing act, whether they are making rules or giving you freedom to be yourself, giving you things or making you provide for yourself, whether to criticize you or cherish you, or any of the other hundreds of decisions a parent makes in their relationship with their child.  And that's just the mistakes a perfect parent could make.  Add to that that parents are human and will sometimes be selfish, obstinate, or mean, and it is easy to find fault with them.  Most young adults also don't recognize that the way they were as a child influenced these decisions, and often the parents' bad behavior as well.

What is definitely true is that it doesn't do any good to blame them for what happened--if they made a mistake, you need to move forward and get past whatever pain or problems it caused you.  You have to deal with yourself as you are--deciding that your parents made you this way is just an excuse for not dealing with your problem.  

It may be helpful to figure out that your parents' lessons are where you got an idea, fear, or a limiting belief about yourself.  But getting upset about it is not helpful.  Just jump past that and work on fixing the problem yourself.

Answer 18

An interesting question.  What do you think forgiving is all about?  From one point of view there is nothing to forgive, even if we could.  We can certainly allow more love to flow though ourselves and to ourselves, is that forgiveness?

It looks to me that since we attract what we focus upon, it behooves us to focus on positive thoughts while barely giving the negative ones the time of day.  Not forgiving certainly implies having negative thoughts and you know the result of that, right?    For those who may read this and don`t, I will answer my own question.  Focus on negative thoughts leads to addiction to those thoughts which leads to illness, physical or psychological (more or less the same) and therefore suffering.

Fear in relationships or all unnecessary fears are also connected to negative thoughts and eventually also become addictions and so on.  It is like the above mentionned bio-chemical in its effects and that includes the work of the endocrine system and the effect of hormone production.  Yet, in the beginning it is all based on harboring negative thoughts, feelings, emotions, sensations, and eventually beliefs and addictions.

Thank you for your question, cheers!

Answer 19

I agree with canron4peace, there is nothing to forgive. Yet, the only way I could learn the secret of what true forgiveness is, that the real me can not be hurt, damaged, changed, made sinful, etc... was to begin the journey of forgiving from where it was I stood & come to the ah-ha of it myself. We don't have to learn forgiveness, but we do nothing in one area alone. Do you really want to spend your life walking around in bandages carrying a sign that says, "See how bad they hurt me". I finally got sick of myself, & started that journey with rewards I could have not imagined at the time.

Blessings!

Answer 20

This question has important personal meaning for me.  As with many Christians I came to the light of Jesus by way of a very long dark tunnel.  Emerging into the brilliance of the love, kindness, mercy and grace of Jesus permitted me to go on with my life; however, for many years I still carried with me deep pain from a childhood that had truly traumatized me.  I was fortunate to attend an advanced spiritual workshop led by someone who confronted me on my issues with pain and darkness.  With tenderness and understanding this enlightened soul showed me that I was still spiritually bound to this pain and darkness and would not be totally free to soar to higher spiritual realms until I was liberated from this. Trusting this adviser and through the grace of Jesus I found that I could confront this and release the hold it had on me.

"The Sisters of Mercy,

They are not departed or gone,

They were waiting for me,

When I thought that I just could not go on"

Leonard Cohen

Answer 21

To forgive is to pardon or overlook. Noone has the 'right' to do this. To forgive is to pardon of blame. One cannot and should not blame. If one does not blame, there is then nothing to forgive. Do not lay blame.

Answer 22

YES of course.As a matter of fact forgiving parents is on the top of the agenda of moral behavior.Many people forget about their parents, treat them harshly, yell at them and they get a kick out of humiliating them.  As we talked of the consequences of actions, those ppl will meet a lot of difficulties in life, which they can't figure out where coming from, but actually, they came from such unforgiveness and harsh relation.

Answer 23

It really depends...  There is a difference between the importance of a matter and how difficult it may be or the simple fact of it may not even being an option, really depending on the situation.  

I mean you may be able to forgive within your heart and to your GOD in your own privacy and even write a letter to them but not give it to them, and through that process alone that in itself may be the key for a step forward, independently for you or anyone else to have better and loving reletionships that they can learn from.  You don't necessarily have to speak with your parents...  

Life is a learning experience!

Answer 24

Why ? They as well as us have faults it's part of being human . The thing to do is learn from their faults so we do not repeat them . They taught us even with their faults . Forgiving is a earning tool of the con men of the nanny state .

Answer 25

Perhaps forgive but never forget.  I am not sure every circumstance should be forgiven either, I know of several things done by parents that should have resulted in jail time.

Yes, I know therapists and ministers will say that for your own well being you must forgive but everyone knows that a lot of what therapists and ministers say is horse sh*t.

Forgiving should be considered. but it is not imperative.

Answer 26

Absolutely.

Answer 27

Not really. It would make a soul be at peace, i dont think it could influence decisions in a relationship. .

Answer 28

It is better to be aware of whole structure of relationship with them and in that very awareness problem reveals itself it's contents to the passive awareness and withers.Forgiving is an adjustment process in relationship

it will not the solve the problem forever.

Answer 29

NO

i forgave my parent as a [person] said loosely,still not sure she qualified as [human].

but if i forgot the 16 years of screaming,beatings and sexual abuse [one time] ,i would not know how to relate to [abusive people] in the future.

_______________

if a dog bites you by sticking your hand out, then in the future you might think 2 times  before sticking your hand out again.

you learned from your experience

even though you forgave the dog for biting you , and you forgave your self for your own ignorance.

Answer 30

In forgiving  one should consider how we are compromised by it. All compromise is based on give and take, but there can be no give and take on fundamentals. Any compromise on mere fundamentals is a surrender. For it is all give and no take.

Never give up who you are... in the process of forgiving. Become more than what you are by knowing when it's deserved and rational. Men who do not seek our forgiveness and continue their evil should not be forgiven if it results in a continence of evil...  

...that being said my most difficult act of forgiveness would be to that of a child molester, even if he were never to do it again. I would fear my act of kindness would only enable him to continue his evil.

Answer 31

It depends what they have done.  I understand my parents now that I am in my sixties - their lives were hard.  But, I don't think I forgive them for NEVER ever giving me a kiss, or a hug. And for NEVER saying 'I love you'

I asked my mother when I was an adult why she didn't do so...her reply 'When you were a baby and I tried to hug you, you didn't like it and pushed me away' so....that was it!