Do you think that i should postpone my moving to new zealand because my ex who cheated on me

Question

well we was together for 23 years and she cheated on me well i went to nz to live but we have 2 dogs so i come back to uk to see them and find my ex who has the house is in debt up to her ears and is feeling suicidal i want serious answers not just it serves her right and she deserves it

Answer 1

You are not responsible for anyone but yourself. Be true to yourself and do whatever is right for you.  

Answer 2

It's not about being callous and vengeful, but the relationship is over. You don't owe anything to her, and she's no longer your responsibility. Her being suicidal and being c**p at managing finances is not your problem, nor should you feel you should make it your problem.

Your life should come first, do what will be best for your life and not hers. As she's made her own decisions and she should deal with those. It's not fair for you to get screwed once by the relationship, and then feel like you're obligated to get screwed again by even considering going into a dangerous situation.

Do whatever you feel is best for you, and best for everyone. Do not feel you have to help, and it wouldn't be wrong of you to walk away from it. It's not your life to suffer the consequences for. If you want to stick around and help, do it because you want to, not because you feel like you need to.

Answer 3

forget about her for a minute and ask yourself what do you want?

Answer 4

Well it is up to you if you think you need to move then move. She is your ex so then why be there.

Answer 5

You need to get her to a doctor as soon as possible. She needs professional help. If you want to get involved then stay until things have worked out for the better. Just remember it is not your fault nor do you have to do things for her. I mean do not let her sit in her head while you do all the housework, bills, etc. Coach her to get out of bed and start her day doing little by little. I think if you go to the doctor with her they can help you with this problem too. Good luck! And, don't let it bring you down too.  

Answer 6

It depends if you want a Life or dont?

Its you who has to be serious about this!

I would take the dogs put them in quaranteen and get them shipped out to NZ when your back there. Its not a case of serves her right or she deserves it.....23yrs is a long time.....However once a cheat allways a cheat in my books and if she has mental health issues ....Is that your fault?.....No mate...just get on with your life in NZ with your two dogs find someone else, settle down and live life. Its either that or I told you so....In any case good luck with whatever you choose.

Any chance you and her can get back together and disappear to NZ with the dogs and make a new life?  

Answer 7

It's emotional blackmail.  You should get her to the doctors for treatment for her depression and then go back to NZ with or without the dogs.  Did you come back to see her but use the dogs as an excuse?  Is she saying she's suicidal just to keep you here?  Suicides usually just get on with it rather than talk about it.  Do you want to bail her out of her debts?  If you do, it's likely you'll continue to support her financially for a long time.  You must think seriously about this.  You have a life in NZ.  Do you want to give it up to return to an old relationship that didn't work?

Answer 8

yes, after 23 yrs, i think she deserves your support, even if its just to see her through this difficult time, put the past behind you and help her

Answer 9

Well 23 years is a long time to just walk away from.  You loved each other once and that has to count for something doesnt it?

Cant you just extend your stay and help her out of her troubles and at the very least set her on the road to recovery.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons - sometimes for ones even they dont understand.

It isnt always the end of the world you know.

Help her.  There's nothing wrong in being a good human being is there?

And you get to see the dogs longer.  Bonus.

Answer 10

if you cannot forgive then walk away to your new and life, forget her, it is a long way to come back just to see two dogs? are you sure this is the only reason you came back, if so then perhaps you could take the dogs with you and let sort her own problems  

Answer 11

firstly i feel that you may be  finding it harder to stay apart than you thought you would, did you come home to see the pets or was it to see if you could forgive her and sort out your lives.? 23 years is a long time to be together and it must have been difficult to walk away from it.

did you have negative input from family and friends at the time of the split that may have stopped you both from finding out if your relationship could be salvaged, or was you so angry that you felt it was irreversible, have you had time to think what you want from life and looked into why your ex cheated in the first place. you need to talk if this is the case be open and honest with each other and listen to what others have to say but trust your own instincts and feelings on this. if you both want to start afresh seek some help from relate they offer a fantastic mediation service

http://www.relate.org.uk/ and they may be able to help you both decide if you want to save your relationship or if you both want to live separate lives. there must have been areas in her life that she was not happy with to cheat after being together for so many years, maybe it was down to lack of communication on her part, by not talking about her dissaisfaction within the relationship.

The debt your ex is in is her doing and could be the result of a cry for help, find your local debt counselling service and either go with her to see them or give her the addresses or telephone numbers, she could also contact her utility services and explain her financial situation to them, they will usually help by lowering payments etc for a period of time, she could also look into having key meters fitted for her gas and electric where you top them up weekly and pay for the energy as you use it. there is alot of help out there for debt but she needs to ask for it or her situation may spiral out of control, it would be to her benefit if you wanted to help but only if you guide her into what needs doing, she needs to sort as much of it out herself, this way she will know she can do it, she is capable of sorting out problems when they come up and doesn't need someone to step in and do it for her, she will be less needy that way and will have learnt that there are no easy answers and no one to bail her out.

the local citizens advice center would be an excellent first step for her to get initial advice. their number will be on the web for her area or in the telephone book.

do you feel she is suicidal because of the debt or because of the breakdown of her relationship with you, this may need to be talked about and if your concern grows on her mental state then she will need to see her doctor, it may be depression fuelled with anxiaty and can be treated. you don't say how long you have been away, if this is something that has been building for a while the sooner she starts talking and gets help with all her financial and emotional matters the sooner the pressure can be lifted off her, this may help with the depression.

you are not responsible for your ex's situation and it doesn't have to become your problem, moving to NZ would help get you away from bad memories and give you a new start, would it help clear your head though, visually people can alter their surroundings but whats in your head will always be there, do you need some answers as to why this has happened ? can you leave with a clear head for a new start or will you always have nagging doubts or unanswered questions wizzing around when you have quiet moments to yourself.

if you decide to guide your ex it is your choice, do it because you want to help and not because you feel you have to.

good luck