Do you think that pre-birth matching with adoptive parents...?

Question

can take away a womens choice in parenting and adoption?

Answer 1

Oh I could go on and on. Maybe in the morning. For now all I can say is YES!

Answer 2

What happened to personal responsibility?  I don't care how much someone told me they wanted my baby, if I knew I could care for him or her properly there is no way I'd give them up.

Why are people so quick to take the easy way out of a situation and then sit back and blame others when they later regret it?  No matter how much pressure is put on a person to do anything, it is their own personal choice to do so.

Unless a baby is actually forcibly removed, any woman who gives up a child for adoption does so because she WANTS TO.

Answer 3

I want to reply to this ladies comment.

"What happened to personal responsibility? I don't care how much someone told me they wanted my baby, if I knew I could care for him or her properly there is no way I'd give them up."

- That's the entire point! If everyone could properly care for their child there would be no need for adoption. But this is not a perfect world, not everyone can care for their baby.

"Why are people so quick to take the easy way out of a situation and then sit back and blame others when they later regret it? No matter how much pressure is put on a person to do anything, it is their own personal choice to do so.

Unless a baby is actually forcibly removed, any woman who gives up a child for adoption does so because she WANTS TO."

- Not in all cases, some feel like they HAVE to place their chid up for adoption. Sometimes they were forced, but not everyone is. I think more post adoption counseling is needed so this birthmoms can be at peace with their adoption.

Answer 4

absolutely.  there is too much pressure that her baby is "owed" to the pre-matched a-parents.

Answer 5

ok well here is my  thoughts I am someone who is trying to adopt. I never really though about it is as pressure on the birth mother to feel she can not change her mind. Our agency works closely with the birth mom to help her make a choice and we are told that until she terminates her perental rights she can to change her mind. From the birth parents we have spoken to they like having the time to choose, meet and get to know the adoptive parents before the baby comes so they can decided what is best for the child. Our agency is not only a place for adoption they also educate the the women on raising a child and all their option plus counciling to help them choose and if for any reason the women feels unsure the agency encourages her to wait to decide even if the baby is here. they never want her to feel pressured to do anyting. maybe the differnece is that our agency is a family center not an adoption agency they help the birthparents even if they choose to parent the child. so i guess it depends on the agency and how they handle it.

So many thumbs down for telling you the experience I am having with birth moms. not one of them I have talked to felt pressured into to doing anything. I personaly don't want the baby if the birthmom is unsure. but I guess the adoption section is only for those against adoptive parents

Answer 6

I believe they can feel coerced, but come on, it's their child- in this day and age, natural mothers know they can say no at any time.  That's the first thing told to PAPs when they begin the process...  at least it was told to me.  

In my case (international private adoption), there were 4 crucial points where my son's natural mother could've said no.  She could have said no at the DNA test where she had to hold her son for photos, she could have said no when the social worker visited, she could have called the police at any time, and when it came time for her to sign the final documents about 8 months later, she could have not showed up or she could have showed up and said no.

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My argument is that: I think that if the woman chooses this option that is fine, especially if they can choose to kill her baby before it's born.  My concern is that taking the choice away all together is wrong.  I'm saying the natural mother should have the choice- if abortion is legal.

Now if abortion was illegal- it's another story.

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Tish, thank you for sharing your story.  Did you change your mind before or after the final papers were signed?

Answer 7

YEs I think that when someone is pregnant they have three choices:

Keep

abort

adopt

Once they have chosen not to have an abortion she is left with two choices.

How then can she make that decision on whether to raise said child or not before it is born?  She may know in her heart she wants adoption, but at least wait until child is born soi she can assess her feelings.  Then if she truly feels she cannot parent and chooses adoption she can choose a plan.  There are many parents already done homestudy and match won't take long.  This helps the mother choose when she is ready, and helps aparents not be in a position of thinking a child is their that isn't actually theirs and if something goes wrong woudl devastate them and the mother.

Answer 8

Yes.  I've heard from women who wanted to parent, but felt too guilty about changing their minds, so ended up "going with the plan" instead.   Some even voiced their desire to parent, only to be met with pressure from the AGENCY to continue with the placement!  

Pre-birth matching looks on the surface like it's giving the parents some power in all of this, but it doesn't.

Answer 9

Yes, I believe it does.

I know a few ladies who though about changing their minds and wanted to raise their child but they didn't want to "upset" the paps so they went ahead and placed their child for adoption.

Answer 10

Yes, i believe pre-birth matching makes it harder for the mother to choose parenting.  Also if a woman is on the fence about adoption, the matching might guilt her into making a choice she will later regret.  Some women may be confident with adoption for their child but getting to know the pap's can also happen after the birth just as easily.  

Just my opinion on the matter:)

ETA:  Hey, nice hat Flamegurl.  lol

Answer 11

I think it could, depending on the adoption parents and the expectant woman in question.  But there are plenty of times where this works out just fine, no feelings of coersion or pressure from the expectant woman at all.  In fact, I know some birthmoms who insisted that they wanted to take the time to get to know the family they would relinquish their child to, over the course of the pregnancy.  

However, it certainly isn't right for everyone.  There are expectant mothers who may feel pressured and coerced by the idea that the family they met are more than pictures on paper, but are actual human beings with thoughts and feelings of their own.  

If an expectant woman does not emphatically feel that she would be able to walk away after meeting the adoptive family, then a pre birth match isn't for her.

My point is, it shouldn't be presented to expectant women that pre-birth matching is an absolute must.  It can be stressed that there is no legal or ethical reason that the expectant woman must meet, know or even consider a perspective adoptive family before birth.  However, I think it should be offered as an option, just like every other option available.  

I find it inconsistent that some people are very protective of expectant mother's rights, but don't see anything wrong with taking this option away. Isn't the woman in question capable of making her own decision in this matter?

PS: I have never liked the idea of PAPs fronting money for expenses.  Always been clear on that point and I'm not addressing it in this response, other than in these couple sentences.  I am talking about the pre-birth matching, WITHOUT expenses being met by adoptive parents.

Answer 12

I gave up my oldest child for adoption.  I had the parents picked out months beforehand.  I think that knowing my son was going to a good home and exactly who the people were who were going to raise him actually relieved a lot of the stress during my pregnancy which might have been harmful to my baby.  Also this helped me to have peace of mind and focus as to where I was headed in my life.  Everyone is different, but these are some things to think about. :-)

I should add that I live in BC, Canada, where I was not allowed to legally sign papers relinquishing the rights to my child until 30 days after his birth.  I did however give the care of my child to the adoptive parents when he was 5 days old.

**Thanks Mom! ;-)

Answer 13

The concept of pre-birth matching begins when a bmom willingly makes the choice to place her child for adoption. Her decision to place a child for adoption is already made. The whole point of it is for HER to choose a family to raise her child. Pre-birth matching gives the bmom a lot more control throughout the entire process and most often results in an open adoption arrangement. But once an arrangement is made it does not take away her choice to parent. The bmom always reserves the right to change her mind.

At least that's how it was in our case.

Answer 14

Without a doubt, yes.

Pre-birth matching presumes adoption and gives the adoptive parents, agency, adoption workers, and lawyers months to work on indoctrinating the mothers (and fathers) into the "birthparent" cult.

In addition to the emotional aspect, there is also a financial aspect.  They offer the expectant mother as much financial assistance as they can thereby setting up a huge financial obligation by the time the mother delivers.  If the mother is wavering on her decision to give her baby away, she is reminded of the financial obligations with some parties going so far as to lie by telling the mother that she must give up the baby or pay the money back.

The most debilitating aspect of pre-birth matching is practical.  The expectant parents put all their energy into making an adoption plan and little or none into a backup plan to parent.  Then the baby is born and, as nature intended, they fall in love with their child.  Without having any resources in place, the choice to parent becomes a real challenge.  Recovering from childbirth and scrambling to put a parenting plan in place (which may well involve social services) within 48 hours is a very real show-stopper to the parenting option.  Whenever I am asked advice about choosing adoption from someone who seems resolute, I ALWAYS counsel him or her to also make a backup plan to parent.  Especially if it is a first time parent.

I have to shake my head at comments like "they should have been able to make up their minds before birth" from women who have never been pregnant and given birth.

Answer 15

while we need to stop all coercion, I know there are many potential bmothers who DO change their mind.

So the answer is a resounding NO.. it does not take away their choice

Make it difficult to chose to parent, maybe.. but we need to make it LESS difficult to change their mind, have more "rights" for pfm's

Not necessarily to do away with all pre-birth matching.. after all, if a birthmother is determined to make an adoption plan for her unborn child, I don't see any benefit in delaying the stability of having a family picked out ... PROVIDED that the birthmother CAN legally change her mind up to an appropriate point in time (which would be post-birth)

it's the BIRTHMOTHER who places her child for adoption.. it's the BIRTHMOTHER who choses the adoptive family

it's the BIRTHMOTHER who CAN change her  mind. it's  her right.. maybe others make it hard, so let's put a stop to that..

Answer 16

In some cases, I do agree that it makes it harder for a family to choose parenting once the child is born.  

However, I am on the fence with the pre-birth matching issue, especially after coming here to Y!A.  There is so much talk about the separation issues caused by infant adoption because of the bond that a mother and baby have during pregnancy.  However, I also believe that there are some cases where parents know before the child is born that they do not want to be parents and I worry about the impact of the non-bonding on the child also during pregnancy.  If a child can feel love prior to birth, then it would also make sense that he/she can feel "not wanted" also.  

I believe that every parent needs to have a right to choose since everyone's situation is different - that includes the bio father also.  He has just as much say in the process as the bio mom.

Answer 17

ok... i'm awake now.. so i can really process this...

yep... it's way too coercive. especially since it creates a false paradigm, which purports that the pregnant woman is simply a "birth-portal" for the "real parents." she loses bodily autonomy during labor and delivery, her baby is sometimes not allowed (or not encouraged) to bond with her because "it's best that the first people the baby bond with are the people who wrote the check."  we normalize breaking the natal bond;  encourage the aparents to get "rooming in" privileges at the hospital and hover over a post-partum woman until she's shuffled out the door with a bag of sanitary napkins and a pretentious, "you are so loving..." aagencies have enacted policies which discourage maternal bonding like, not allowing the mom to breastfeed; and other "loving practices" like discouraging rooming in or seeing the baby after birth. some adoption agency workers and paps have even "suggested"  that she heal on the "post-op ob/gyn floor" (where women heal from hysterectomies, still-births or other gyn surgeries) as to not become upset by other babies on the labor and delivery floor.  and all of this is to "protect the f-mom...they say. now,  if that's not the biggest mind f#ck i don't know what is...

so i ask...how does any woman change her mind under such pressure... and why is such pressure necessary?

ps... for those who are SO sure that a woman can't be coerced and intimidated into relinquishment... coercion and adoption intimidation happens everyday. i mean, come on... if women willingly gave up their kids, then why do we need so many quasi-adoption professionals, marketing and promises of "open adoption" to get babies?   it's also very presumptuous to purport to know everybody's situation.  and that all pregnant women chose adoption on their own will. for those who did, great.... but for those who were ambivalent, i take pause at these practices. i'm also surprised that people find it difficult to imagine that scared 16 year old and young adult women can be intimidated by a bunch of adults who usually have more education; and can overwhelm them with legal jargon and biased counseling...

ps. she who hasn't endured pushing a child from her nether regions; nor being cut open and had a child fished out of her uterus really doesn't qualify to give advice on what pregnant and birthing mothers should or should NOT feel or be able to do, regarding adoption.

Answer 18

I wonder how many of these answers have been given by women who have placed their baby for adoption. There seem to be strong opinions from people who "think" they know what it's like. I placed my twin sons for adoption 15 years ago. I was in agony because I knew I couldn't raise them, but I loved them and wanted them so much. In the end, I came to realize that I had to do what was right for them. I did not want to live with regret and I wanted them to have a life I could not give them, emotionally or financially.

Most pregnant women use their pregnancy to pick out baby furniture and design the nursery. I spent mine finding parents to love and raise my sons. I knew I couldn't give them to just anyone, I had to know and trust them. I finally found the parents through an adoption attorney when I was about 6 months along. We got to know each other over the next few months. By the time the babies were born, I knew in my heart that they were going to be part of a family that would love and take care of them.

I too was afraid of the separation stress that adopted babies go through. So I had the parents at the hospital when I delivered. The mom gave one of my boys his first bath, I gave the other. They visited us in the hospital for three days, feeding them, holding them and getting to know them. My boys knew them from the moment they were born. And I was able to see them with the boys and know they already loved them. I could have never done that if I had waited to choose the parents.

I know that coersion exsists in adoption, it's unfortunate. But to say that pre-birth matching is 100% wrong is narrow minded. Every situation is different. The adoption attorney I went through had a therapist and also group therapy with other birth mothers who were still pregnant and some who had already given birth. They were instrumental in helping me make my choice, they were very neutral. I personally feel that this should be a part of every adoption when possible, birth moms have a lot of hard choices to make in a small time frame, with a lot of pressure.