Do you think that this sounds reasonable? Divorce: Splitting children.?

Question

My partner and I are breaking up after a nine year relationship. I've got a house really close to my ex-partner. We're going to make the break up as friendly as possible, and we want to remain friends after the break up. We have a wonderful 4 year old daughter. We're both really close to her and have a fantastic relationship with her, so I don't think either of us want to take her away from the other. I was going to suggest this split, do you think it sounds reasonable?

1. We swap her weekly.

2. We have a three week period at any time of the year (other than birthdays and Chistmas) to take her on holiday.

3. We spend every Christmas and birthday as a family.

4. If we meet someone new, the other partner has to meet and o.k them.

Do you think that sounds reasonable?

Answer 1

Swap her weekly?

She is a person, not a dog.

Someone is going to have to bite the bullet and see her weekends. She needs a home and roots.

Do you really want to clear any future bfs with your ex?

It may sound great right now, but believe me, you aren't going to want to do it when the time comes.

What if you ex doesn't approve? You going to break up with your bf just because of that? No matter how you feel about him?

I'm sorry, I know you want to have this whole thing as friendly as possible, but it never goes that way.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Think about it from her perspective trading every week is going to give her a sense of insecurity as soon as she is comfortable in one place she will be moved to the other.  Spending birthdays and holiday together will also give a false sense of hope in you two getting back together. And as far as oking the others new partner do you really think that is going to work?

Answer 3

omg, if my ex had to OK my partner id still be alone..but then again, we did not end on a good note by any means and no matter what I did to make things better, he made it impossible just to be a jerk and to cause pain and misery.... . good luck at the "friendly divorce", ive never actually heard of it happening. ...

****** ps... during the divorce the court system had my daughter going back and forth every week, one week with me, one with him, and so on.. it was VERY DIFFICULT... would take till wednesdays for her to get back to normal and by friday night she was going back to him... was very VERY hard on her... a month on and month off would have been much better, but she was older at the age of 13..

Answer 4

That sounds very similar to the separation that my husband and I have agreed upon.

Instead of making our daughter (and child on the way..eek!) move around, we're going to have them based out of our house and the parent without current visitation will live in a studio apartment.

That way I have them all week during the school week and then he has them Friday night through Monday morning.  We're trying to keep it as normal as possible for them.

We're going to try to integrate family time during the week too so that I can still see them on the weekends and he can still see them during the week.

Just because we can't BE together doesn't mean that the kids should suffer or that we can't be friends.

Good luck!

Answer 5

4 will be hard but yeah sounds good! It wont be too hard that way!

Answer 6

Just f*cking stay together if you are that reasonable and amicable.  Spending every holiday together as a family?

Divorce/breakup seems so unnecessary.

And you have to okay it when he f***s someone else?

Yeah, he might as well stay with you.

Answer 7

Does not matter at all what you 2 want, the ONLY thing to consider is your daughter. Childhood is oh so short so it is our duty to ensure they have a happy one.  

Answer 8

   A weekly swap is okay as long as you both remain reasonable.  The whole you two have to approve the next mate is ridiculous.  That has got trouble written all over it.  And although you two are friendly towards each other now, when new mates come along, they may not be so friendly towards the ex.   And spending every Christmas and birthday as a family is also ridiculous.  You are not a family.  The next mate to come along is going to want to be a family with your ex, and including you isn't going to be part of that deal.  Alternating holidays or splitting them so that you each get to share some of the holiday with your daughter is the best way to go.  And if you decide you want to spend them together you can, but no one will be forced to be together by some agreement you made in the past that no longer works.  With children, what works now won't work in 5 years.  Their schedule and yours are going to change, so you need to draw up an agreement that will work for the long haul.  And do have it legally drawn up, just to prevent problems down the road.

Answer 9

>>Do you think that this sounds reasonable? No

>>Divorce: Splitting children.?

Unreasonable.

>> We have a wonderful 4 year old daughter. We're both really close to her and have a fantastic relationship with her, so I don't think either of us want to take her away from the other.

Then don't split up. The ONLY person you are hurting is your daughter.

>>1. We swap her weekly.

Your daughter needs stability. This will destroy her stability!

>>2. We have a three week period at any time of the year (other than birthdays and Chistmas) to take her on holiday.

Be together on the holidays.

>>3. We spend every Christmas and birthday as a family.

Good Idea.

>>4. If we meet someone new, the other partner has to meet and o.k them.

Stay together and your daughter does not  have to worry about it.

**************************************...

Stop putting yourself above your daugther, and do what is necessary to make your relationship work for the sake of your daughter.

Answer 10

Well, I think the idea is ok. But, she's only four, I mean can't you and your ex wait a little longer to split. She is a young young child. Wait untill she is old enough to really understand and give her say. And what about school? Will she have two teachers in pre-k and two sets of friends. What have your parents said? I really think she should be AT LEAST 6. She needs one home. One place she can always go to. And if when she is older she might get mad at you and if she is 14 she can legally permantaly move in with your ex/ it is not a good life choice for a young family.

Answer 11

Wish you all the best. It is a family matter. It is better others are not allowed to interfere.  

Answer 12

I think as far as the child that's sounds good.But if you meet someone the other has approve it.I can see want a decent person and someone who will be good to your child.Good luck this is just what i think that does not mean it is right.Do what you feel is good for you and your family.

Answer 13

Wonderful, really. Make sure you also get some therapy including the kid before and during and after the total split.

Answer 14

i think everyother week is too often for a four year old

Answer 15

once your split- your ex does not have to give you an ok nor should you have to give him an ok for either of whom you decide to date.

Why make the rule to spend Christmas and birthday as a family. Your not going to be the traditional family any more and if you make those rules now and either of your life changes-then that is confusion on your daughter. I don't think that is fair.  

Answer 16

No, I don't think that he should have to ok your love life.  It is weird to spend xmas as a family together when you're not, but if it works for you that is the only important thing.  However, when you start dating others it will be a whole different story for both of you.  

Answer 17

I think swapping weekly is too much movement even if you live close by one another. She deserves a more stable home base.

Answer 18

Right ok it seems very fair, the new partner bit might become an issue but you could discuss that at the time if problems arise, you have to find out does your daughter benifit from being moved every week

Answer 19

Sounds fine except weeekly swap. When she gets older it will be hard for her to go a full week without seeing one of her parents. Also, three week vacation is too long.

Answer 20

I don't think this at all reasonable. Can you put your hand on your heart and say this is in the best interest of the child or is it in your best interest.

Other than 2, you will have contact with your partner 1,3,4,

I don't think swapping your child weekly is at all a good idea. The poor little soul won't understand was is happening to her.

You spend Christmas and Birthdays together as a family. You are NOT a family so why pretend that at Christmas and Birthdays you are a family!

The idea of either of you of your ex partner okaying the others new BF or GF isn't a viable solution. Surely you or he could be trusted to pick a person that would be suitable both for yourselves and your child, without being checked by the other ex. You are grown ups.

.I think you will also both experience great difficulty finding someone else who would accept what amounts to a three person relationship. I believe you still have great feelings for your ex partner and I think you should question why you are splitting up, when you seem to be the perfect family.Good Luck whatever you decide.

Answer 21

if your going to split up that's not going to work.swapping that child back and forth is going to destroy the child.yall need to talk to some grown ups about this.no dought yall are to young to figure this out on your own.

Answer 22

In a perfect world, this is great.  Guess what, no one lives in a perfect world so these really are unrealistic.  Swapping her weekly is probably ok and the three week period is ok but spending every Christmas as a family and approving the others new partner are disasters in the making.  You need to work out a set schedule and understand that the other one has complete authority over everything during the time the child is with the partner.  You have no say anymore into his/her life and vice versa.  Only if the child is in danger do you have a say.  Good luck!  You have a non-traditional family that will work and your child will be fine.

Answer 23

all sounds very fair. but is she going to want to be moved about every week?

Answer 24

do you live in cookoo land.???its a nice thought but im affaid it wont work out.sorry.