Do you think the sun will set today

Question

*Ahem* Please ignore question and critique poem. Thank you.

"Heart of Cracked Stone" - joined rondolets

I watched you fall;

I did not offer you my hand.

I watched you fall

and didn't listen to your call.

And no, this isn't what I planned

and still I cannot understand...

I watched you fall.

I turned away,

I couldn't bear to see you bleed.

I turned away,

and broke your heart that fateful day.

My pride would not let me concede;

I couldn't listen to you plead.

I turned away.

Forgive me please,

I understand that I was wrong.

Forgive me please,

the truth comes to me and unsheathes

the knowledge that I broke your song

and did your suffering prolong.

Forgive me--please.

Answer 1

I love it! there's nothing like that that i've seen lately. That's really good and deep and emoitions are everywhere in itand...WOW! You blew my mind away. Great poem, why don't you just write a book of peoms before i lose my mind here! You'd do eally good in selling, but just a suggestion. Again, may i say WOW. Big Fan!

Answer 2

"It's paining me to see you fall..."

(sorry, that's one of mine. you reminded me of it - from a poem i didn't want to have been inspired to write)

i like this poem. the rondolet form is effective - repetition makes it sorta melancholy. first rondolet i love - that's the best one. 2nd is also good, but the 3rd maybe needs a little work - line 4 is the weakest, though i understand that "please" probably isn't the easiest word to rhyme.

Answer 3

Passion.  Rhyme and meter appear fine to me.

Well written, indeed

Answer 4

This struck a note with me, I live with someone elderly who has Parkinson's, and it can be difficult sometimes!  It takes patience and understanding and can be somewhat demanding! Wasn't trying to rhyme right there it just happened! My point is this touch my heart and will share your poetry with this person!  Thank You for this I needed that message, to remind me, to be more of what I can be, to help someone else!  Cheers!!