Do you think these adoptive situations are good ones?

Question

I see this often here and never gave it much thought until recently.

The typical scenario/question:

"I have a 2 yr. old with a druggie who is now in jail. He was never a proper father to our daughter. Now I want my boyfriend/partner/fiancé to adopt her, because she has lived with him since she was a baby. What should I do?"

Things that seem like red flags to me: SHE'S not married to him; therefore she's not committed to him herself. She hasn't known him very long, and her prior judgment about men is obviously faulty. Even if she does marry him, she can always divorce him--as we know adoption is forever--this child will be tied to this man for the rest of her life.

And what's the HURRY anyway? Is she using the child to secure’ her relationship with this man? Shouldn't she wait a couple years after marriage to make sure the relationship will last? Or is the adoption necessary at all?

Answer 1

I would never advocate a boyfriend or girlfriend of the parent adopting.  It's just not stable enough.  Sadly, there have been situations where the relationship ends, and the boyfriend/girlfriend no longer wants to be responsible for the child.  In their minds, the child is always "the other person's kid."  A breakup doesn't nullify the adoption.  I really don't think some of these folks think about this.  It's quite different from when a married couple adopts a child together.  

Often, the adoption isn't necessary at all.  My mother grew up with her step-father, whom my grandmother married when my mother was quite small.  She thought of him as the only father in her life.  Her father was not in the picture.  She even went by his last name socially.  (She signed legal documents with her legal last name.)  There was never an adoption, but they did have a father-daughter relationship.  

Answer 2

I agree.  The couple should be married before it's even considered.  And unless there is some compelling reason for the adoption to happen at age 2, there's nothing to say the child can't have a wonderful relationship with his/her stepfather without adoption.  

It's my belief that the question of adoption should be postponed until the child is old enough to make that decision.  

Answer 3

I agree with you, but I do think there are situations where step parent adoptions are ok, (not just a boyfriend or fiance, but an actual step parent)

PLEASE  REALIZE THAT I AM NOT PART OF THE TRIAD SO I CAN ONLY SPECULATE HOW A MEMBER FEELS, THESE THOUGHT ARE COMING FROM MY NON ADOPTION EXPERIANCED MIND AND I AM STILL LEARNING EVERYDAY. I AM MORE THAN OPEN TO BEING CORRECTED BECAUSE I WANT TO LEARN AS MUCH AS I CAN. IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ME, PLEASE CONTACT ME TO LE ME KNOW WHY YOU DISAGREE. I CAN ONLY GROW FROM YOUR FEEDBACK

If the childs father has nothing to do with the child, knows about the child, and has every opportunity to have contact with the child, and STILL chooses to reject the child, then I think step parent adoptions may be considered, because the child will feel the rejection regardless, but if there is a man who sincerly wants the child and is willing to go out of his way to claim them, then doesn't that have to be a positive?

However, the natural father should be contacted, and NOT forced or belittled. None of that sneaky "I'll put a notice in a newspaper and hope he does't find it" c**p

Also, if there is ANY member of the natural fathers family that is in contact with the child, then step parent adoption should not be considerd. Just because the dad is crappy, the rest of the childs family should not be cut out.

Next, the child should be old enough to understand what is happening, and should be enthusiastic about it. The mother and the stepfather should be maried for at LEAST 5-7 years and the relationship should in no way be shaky.  

Answer 4

I see that all the time here and on parenting.  I used to offer the same advice that they need to wait but i just ignore now.  I agree with you completely she is dragging her child into her pattern of poor choices  

Answer 5

That is a HUGE red flag to me.  You want to preserve as much of a child's natural history as you can, no matter what the parents do.  They would learn of it eventually and its better to hear these things from you.

IF a woman is going to allow a man who is NOT the child's father into their life in the role of a father, they need to be SO super careful.  You don't want them falling into a pattern where they witness your breakups AND where they are constantly losing a father figure.

I had 2 children when I started dating a man who had no children.  I waited before they met him to ensure that he was stable and actually wanted a relationship with them.  When I thought it was safe, we would all do activities together, but I wouldn't let them witness any hand holding or kissing until we were engaged and ready to move in together.

I can't imagine having him adopt our oldest two unless something drastic happened to their father, like death.

Answer 6

Well, Sunny, I guess there IS a first time for everything.  I finally agree with you on something. lol :)

I think these women ARE using the child to try to secure her relationship with this man.  Not only THAT but also, if he adopts the child he will be required to pay CHILD SUPPORT for this child if the relationship disolves.  She can't lose in this situation.  HE stands to lose a lot. I don't think HE is thinking this situation through.

Answer 7

I think it can be beneficial for a child to be adopted by the other (non-biological) parent who is permanently helping to raise the child. Whether it's a good idea or not depends on the child, and I think ideally it would be best to wait until the child is old enough to understand what it means and express whether he/she wants it to happen or not, but under the right circumstances it can help promote a sense of family unity. It's not "necessary" in the sense that the family won't fall apart without it, but in some cases it can be emotionally good for all involved.

In situations like those described, though, I really wonder. If the child isn't old enough to recognize what it means, I don't see much point. I also don't think it should happen unless the relationship between the two parents (the biological parent and the one who adopts) is established as permanent. Marriages do break up and there's no guarantee, but I would want to see definite stability and commitment. In situations where the relationship is more fluid and the partners are more likely to split up, I think adoption and then losing the parent who adopted them would have a very negative effect on the child.

While I do think it can be good for a child to be adopted by their non-biological parent, I don't think it's something that should be done lightly, or without a firm lifelong commitment.

Answer 8

I agree, if the couple can't commit to each other why does anyone think they will make the commitment to the child. WHat happens when they break up and the Mother looses custody of the child to some guy she was once so in love with? Does she realize that it is possible? Does the guy realize he can end up paying child support until this child is 18? These people just don't think!

Answer 9

Marriage and adoption at the same time, if the original father genuinely wants nothing to do with the child.

There is a whole forest of red flags there....  

Answer 10

Very true. I agree with you. I don't think the adoption would be necessary unless the mother and her partner are in a strong loving relationship of many years and are married and he loves the child as his own. In that case he would love the child AS HIS OWN, therefore if the parents happened to split the child would still have love from his/her adoptive father.

xx

Answer 11

That scenario bothers me, do they realize if they break up, then the boyfriend has the same rights at they do. I think she should wait to let anyone adopt, until they have been in a relationship (maybe married) for several years.

Just my opinion.

Answer 12

Nope.

I think anyone trying to use children to keep a fiance, husband or man is never a good thing. Women whether single or married use adoption as "solution?" to their problems all the time.