Do you think this beginning is good?

Question

I need some help with this story to make it better and do you think its a good idea i dont know where i am going with the story so any ideas?

I looked at my hands gasping in horror for they were not my hands. They were pure gray and felt very smooth. I checked my feet to see if they were mine, but they were not. They were pure gray and I didn’t have any toe nails. What the heck happened to me? I wanted to look in the mirror in front of me but I was too scared for what I would see. Would I see a zombie? A gray monster? A vampire? No... None of those were real and I knew it. So I took a quick peek to see if my assumption was correct. The stranger in the mirror looked strange. The creature's eyes were droopy and looked like they hadn't seen rest for several weeks, the creature's mouth did not have lips, and the creature's hair was as sleek as a pebble and was the color silver. Who is that? Then the shock hit... it all made sense. No feelings in my hands for all the harm I had caused, no foot prints to leave behind for all the bad memories I had made, and lips for all the lies I had told, My beautiful hair and eyes...all the beauty was gone for all the scares and harm I had brought to my friends and family. What had I done?

My alarm clock scared me out of my sleep leading me to jump in fright and to rip out the cord connected to the alarm clock. Wow that dream felt so real. It was all true too. I had been lying and bringing hurt into my family and friends’ lives. What was wrong with me? I didn’t want to look in my mirror in case that horrible night mare was not over. I just ran down stairs to get a bite to eat. My mom was up already and looked depressed. “Hey mom,” I mumbled. I was afraid she was thinking about me and how I was turning into my dad. “Hi sweetie,” she said not even looking up. I thought about the night when my dad left and I remembered it so clearly. Dad had just slapped mom and was shocked to see that he did. He looked at his hand as if to say “Bad boy! No dessert for a month!” and Mom looked at him like he was some kind of murderer. That night dad decided to leave and he took all his possessions with him. I remember my little brother asking where he was going and my dad saying, “I’ll be back soon, I love you kid.” I remember that I was too numb to cry and to numb to even say good bye. ‘Cause I knew he wouldn’t be back soon. Our dad would not even want to look at us again from what had happened. I hated when he was mean to my mom and I realized that sometimes I acted like him to other people. It made me cry to think I was so mean and cruel. But all the numbness from that day faded away and now my heart is tearing up inside of me. Like I have a heart shredder designed just for this time in my life. I snapped out of my memories when I smelled breakfast. It smelled like mom was making eggs and bacon. My older sister was a vegetarian so I could also smell cooked vegetables and toast cooking. I opened my eyes and saw that I was right. My mom didn’t notice when I closed my eyes so much because I did it all the time. When I was thinking really hard I always closed them. “Everything alright honey?” My mom stared at me because she knew I was pondering about something. “I’m fine…” I whispered.

Answer 1

I don't really like the first person aspect, that was kind of a turnoff, also you didn't really use any gripping language, like instead of what the heck happened to me, drop out the heck in there, it kind of ruins the intense moment.

also when she was scared to look in the mirror, fearing that she's be a monster she said vampire, but everyone knows vampires don't show up in mirrors.

in the first paragraph, she wouldn't jump to that conclusion so quick, she'd question other stuff first.

the second paragraph is too long, it should be three or four seperate paragraphs

also the second paragraph should be more sad language, it feels like it's a small girl writing in her journal right now.

but it's a good start, I would fix what I mentioned above then have someone proofread it.

Also try to think about the words you use and use more strong verbs and stronger adjectives

Answer 2

it is really good.  you should definately keep going with it.  it does need a little bit of editing but i think it was very well written.

Answer 3

its gripping but you should have sum1 edit and proofread it  

Answer 4

Very good beginning! Needs some editing and such but I would go with it! You don't know where to go next? Well just expand on that beginning thought, explain her life and how she got to be this cruel, lying zombie, and maybe how she progresses from this and maybe changes, good luck with it!

Answer 5

Bballgal,

I like the premise, and especially the end of the first paragraph where it all makes sense. Nicely done. However, I think it needs a bit of editing on the wording department. See how I've done it below and see what you think. If you like it, go through the rest of it and try to word it in the same way. Less wording is better . . . remember.

My fix:

I looked at my hands and gasped in horror. They were not mine. They were pure gray and felt very smooth. I checked my feet to see if they were mine, but they were not. They were pure gray and void of toenails. What the heck was happening to me? I thought.

I wanted to look in the mirror, but was too afraid. Would I see a zombie, a gray monster or a vampire? No, none of those were real and I knew it. I took a quick peek to see if my assumption was correct. The stranger in the mirror was exactly that . . . a stranger. The creature's eyes were droopy and looked like they hadn't seen rest for several weeks. I looked at its mouth. It had no lips. The hair was as sleek as a pebble and was the color silver. Who is that? Then the shock hit; it all made sense.

No feelings in my hands for all the harm I had caused. No foot prints to leave behind for all the bad memories I had made. No lips for all the lies I had told. My beautiful hair and eyes; all the beauty was gone for all the scares and harm I had brought to my friends and family. What had I done?

Good luck!

PJ M

Answer 6

OMG     I  LOVE     IT