Do you think we're being a little hard on first time PAPs looking for information?

Question

The last few days I've seen a lot of questions from presumably first time posters on this forum, who are PAPs looking for information. Some of the respondants have picked apart the question, putting a negative spin on anything asked. Other responses have just been off-the-wall rude. If there is a basic good-faith effort to look for information, does anyone else think some of the responses have been over-the-top?

Most of these questions lead me to believe that Y/A is probably one of the first places the asker is looking for information, so some of the questions may seem insensitve to those of us more familiar with adoption. Couldn't we use this as an opportunity to educate instead of a chance to put someone down?

Note: I'm not talking about posts/questions that are soliciting for babies to adopt. I'm talking about the PAP's asking for some information and direction.

Answer 1

As a new member of this forum, and soon to be adoptive mother through foster care, what bothers me most is when adult adoptees post responses that  are not helpful or don't answer the question. While I understand it hasn't been a bed of roses for everyone, or even most adoptees, and I understand a desire for openness/new laws among adoptees, I don't believe antagonism is the answer.

My point is, I am already adopting, so--if your experience was bad or you have ideas about how to make another child's life better than your own was--why not just give out that info, instead of merely telling me my child 'will be screwed up no matter what'. What would have made your experience better? No one is a perfect parent...but negative comments don't ever help a person be a better parent.

Answer 2

yes . I'm just amazed at what I am reading ..

We are adopting. Our birth mother (and friend of many yrs) CHOSE us after finding out she was pregnant and weighing her many options. We were not encouraging her to give up her baby (we were thrilled she was pg and thrilled our Godson would have a sibling) and she has had counseling. We never saw it coming until she had a long discussion one day about it.  I'm almost certain ppl will think we are demons for raising our friends child. Do I care? No.

Adopted Jane has a good point.I would never come to yahoo answers for input on adoption . I would recommend cafemom or mothering.com as far as internet goes.! This is not the place for adoption support!! You can also get info from your state home pages.

Answer 3

Well, you've got your answers from those who are the ones being rude and downright insulting PAPs

they don't see it as a problem

and if they refuse to see that bashing people and treating them like crud is a BAD thing then there's not much we can do..

I know the way I was treated when I came here as a PAP with alot to learn, and it was enough to disgust anyone

THe simple fact: SOME of these peopel see PAPs as the driving force behind a horribly corrupt adoption system.. They refuse to accept the fact that some women CHOSE to put their babies up for adoption.. THey REFUSE to believe the FACT that this would still happen even if there was NO such thing as  coerciioin, "Tricking" etc, etc,

These people (who fit the description in my last paragraph) will always treat PAPs like HItler, and refuse to see us as anything besides "vultures."

Nobody is telling Adoptees that they should "shut up" about their experience

We're telling EVERYONE on this form that they should be respectful, and tolerant of "newbies" who don't know all the sides of adoption.. berating them doesn't help at ALL.. It didn't for me, that's for sure! The only education I got on here is that this forum is dominated by some very rude people who like to berate others, that I am nothing but an evil, baby stealing vulture.. Yeah.. that really accomplished alot in educating me about adoption..

Gershom: My emails to you have never been rude, you're thinking of YOUR emails to me.. I usually only eve email you if I have been emailed BY you.. I think I "cleaned house the other day and deleted alot of those emails.. I'll have to check, but I'f not I'd be happy to post some of the things you ahve said to me in private, which would show your true colors..

The most rude thing I've ever said to you would be claiming that YOU have been disrespectful or rude or hateful..

Phil: I've long appreciated your respectfulness, but I don't see YOU having a problem with questions that are "open season"  on Paps..this quesiton was not "open season" on adoptees, but simply specific people that I would venture to say should not be on this forum if they can't respect others.. if the shoe fits, wear it.. if it doesn't fit, don't wear it..

Oh.. I'd like to address the whole "If this is where they're coming to learn about adoption, they deserve what they get" That is a disgusting thought.. In my case, I started being involved in other forums of Y!A (Vegetarian and vegan section, for one) and, spending enough tiime on Y!A ,I stumbled across this forum and since I plan to adopt I started reading some of the Q's and A's and responding with my 2 cents...   I didn't "Come here" as my primary source of learning about adoption, nor have I EVER thought that this is the only place I needed to get information about adoption.. If I  DID think that this forum was the "end all" of adoption knowledge... I'd probably commit suicide because I'd believe that I was hopelessly evil..

Answer 4

I agree.  I also think it also occurs with birthparents who are considering making an adoption plan.  

I think that if we could all say what we want to say in a respectful manner without insults and being rude, all would be fine.  It's just that so many people immediately assume it is someone trolling.  

I may not always agree with the question, but I do try my best to present my opinion or answer in a respectful manner.  For those who continue to be rude or nasty, the only thing left is for someone to report them.  

We can all agree to disagree but let's just do it with respect.

Answer 5

I agree.  This site has many informed people, and some choose to twist and turn uneducated questions and use them as a podium for their thoughts and feelings.  Instead of answering in a fashion to educate the person, they slam them and make hurtful comments.

Yes their feelings and thoughts are valid.  I'm not saying that.  But I see so many responses that are plain out rude and mean, and there is no need to direct it toward the naive person asking a question.  

And I don't mean uneducated questions in a bad way, just that the poster is not educated on how to properly address what they are trying to ask.

Now if you put yourself in that poster's shoes, what is being accomplished?  Nothing as far as educating them.  If I were them I'd log off and never come back.  h**l I've tried to do that so many times myself and I'm not a first timer here.  I'm just a gluten for punishment.  

So they take their questions elsewhere.  I would assume they are usually answered by the so informed person answering the phone at the first agency they find.  And that person is so friendly, seems knowledgeable and tells them exactly what they want to hear.  Which would be exactly what the poster who was rude to them claims they are tired of happening and wish to stop.  And it's quite possible their comment is what sent that person straight to that agency.

Now no, no one on here has the power to control what another does or thinks.  But as an PAP you are confused, don't know where to start or how to go about it.  And if 7 out of 12 responses are mean and hurtful, are you going to really listen to the other 5?  The truth is most people won't.

I wish some of the snarky commentors that make these types of comments here on a regular basis would realize they are doing nothing to help.  They are pushing people away from learning aspects of adoption that are not ethical, that are not right and so many are fighting to change.  

As a prospective adoptive parent, you really have a limited amount of truthful information readily available.  Y!A is one of the quickest and easiest places you can find with an adoption forum.  One that can get instant responses.  Since we are a society of instant gratification, of course people are naive enough to turn here for basic information.  But instead of being greeted with knowledge and truthful compassion they are made to feel awful and told that they are horrible.  

No not everyone does this.  Many don't.  But there are enough posters on here that continue to ridicule PAP's and they are helping no one.

Answer 6

As an adult adoptee who did not have a happy childhood, I support adoption.  I just think that their should be more programs for mothers who may want to keep their babies and can't because of money and no place to live.  When I answer a question, I try to give my opinion or experience without being rude.

But on the other hand, I also believe that the agencies need to look at the personality of the couple, not just if they are monetarily able to care for a child.

Answer 7

If I am truly looking for information, I usually use Google...not Y!A.

Understatement of the year:  I sincerely hope that potential adoptive parents are not doing their research about adoption on Y!A.  

Frankly, I see a few posters who really like to stir the pot, call out certain posters, twist meaning, pick apart questions, etc.  Most of the regulars are respectful, informed, willing to share information/support.

Answer 8

Yeah I know!!! There's no such thing as a stupid question - only stupid answers. In every category I've looked at there have been people making fun of the asker or answering with smart *** answers.....people are on here to get help! Is that really necessary? C'mon...

EDIT: I seem to have a lot of thumbs down for wanting people to treat others respectfully - what does that tell you?! lol :)

Answer 9

I have seen some questions that make me cringe and honestly, the biggest one is about the cost of adoption. But, as people that have been a part of the adoption process, we should be at least directing these people in the right direction. Whether it is good, bad or whatever, give these people links to websites with more information. Even if it is something like Adoptionsucks.com (OK, I made that up) show them the right direction. And it can be done without belittling the person asking the question.

For those that believe in stopping adoption all together, why? Should my son (along with millions of others) just have aged out of the Foster care system? Believe it or not, there are situations where people should not be parents. And I admire them for choosing to give their child to someone that can be a parent instead of abusing their child.  If they decide to give them up for adoption before they become abused and neglected, shouldn’t that be encouraged?

I do not mean the single mother that does not believe she can afford to raise her child. These women need to also be pointed in the right direction for help. But too many times they are pounced on for even THINKING about adoption. Telling them how screwed up their child will be, they will grow up thinking they are abandoned, they will be doomed for a life of h**l, etc. And then they are also bombarded by people wanting her baby. And, all she did was ask about adoption and she had to face the Y/A Firing squad!

Answer 10

I'm done with fulfilling the needs of others.  That's what adoptees do their whole lives

I care about adoptees, the adult and the small varieties.  End of.

Answer 11

Nope.

People need to learn that it is just not appropriate to ask where one can get a bargain basement adoption.  Price tags have been mentioned in recent questions.  Price tags.  Enough said.

Answer 12

I try to remember that these folks are at the same place I once was, and approach them from that standpoint, while educating at the same time.  But at times, I get testy, and I forget that I can get a lot more bees with honey.  Those days, I'm pretty sure no one reads my answers all the way through anyway, lol.  I can accept the fact that I'm not helping anyone when I lash out at unsuspecting noobs.

Answer 13

You know, I make an effort to be respectful to most people on here( not always, but a lot). And it really pissed me off to sign on yesterday and see Joslin / Stillme calling me out because I didn't help a searcher( "fast" enough for her liking )because I was working offline most of yesterday and today.

Right now i'm not really inclined to play "nicey nice" for anyone. I spent half my life playing nice nice and you know what happend? not a d**n thing.

I think nice is highly overrated. ESPECIALLY when the rudeness is coming from AP's, social workers, surrendering mothers, adoptees and PAPS all across the board. I get RUDE messages from a certain pap who's name rhymes with smelly on an almost weekly basis.  My own personal stalker seems to have disappeared for a few weeks, but I'm sure she'll be back, and shes an AP too.

My advice to you, is if you have a problem with what some people are doing, take it up with them.

And heres some more advice: don't include "we" in the body of your message unless YOU are REALLY a part of the crowd that YOU feel is being rude to PAPS. Its very parent like, and I don't think anyone, especially the adoptees ( because we have too many parents already ) need anyone "parenting" them on the forum.

This is an open question and answer forum. There are PLENTY of sites where you can be fed your adoption koolaid in a very nice manner, there are plenty of sites where people are too concerned with being respectful and not much is happening at those sites. I'm not here to make friends. I'm not here to educate, i'm here to help adoptees searching and support the few who come through looking for support, and in between if I want to debate, respectfully or not so respectfully, I will. And I won't worry about being nice. Been there, done that, and it didn't accomplish a d**n thing.

eta: and you knw what else, sitting here thinking about adoption and its history, everyone has always been so "hush hush, lets worry about what society thinks of us, just don't tell them youre infertile and adopt, don't tell them you had a baby out of wedlock we'll send you away you can do it in secret and come back home and play nice. Don't tell billy and suzy you're adopted because its none of their business just be nice and pretend you're real. "

I don't think so. Not anymore.

Answer 14

As a birthmom, I found it interesting and somewhat comforting to see the questions that PAPs asked.

People come here because the discussion is that of adoption, and there are people here with first hand experience.  Sometimes its good to know that there are others out there that are going through, or have gone through, something similar.

People come here looking for help, and most of the time we're rude and smart.  I think we're all more mature than that.  But frankly, you must be prepared for any answer you get.

Answer 15

Since we're totally off-topic already...

Can I ask how it's helpful to start a thread that gives people permission to declare open season on "disgruntled adoptees"?  

Is it respectful to spend an entire thread bashing people?  

I'm sure someone will "helpfully" point out that "they" started it.  As though someone being rude justifies other people being rude.  

Frankly, if Yahoo! Answers is your first stop in researching adoption as a choice, you probably get what you deserve.  And if it's not your first stop, you ought to know better.

ETA:  Skimming over the last couple of days, I just noticed that one of the people posting here, preaching respect, told someone who had been abused in foster care that she should only marry someone of blood relation.  So her flippant response to someone expressing an opinion was to recommend incest to the person.  This was someone new on the site.  Frankly, as long as I see that sort of behavior from people talking about respect, I'm not impressed.  I generally ignore hypocrites.

Answer 16

I do think some are very hard on them, and the if the harshness scares them away they will never stay and be educated.

Answer 17

You've asked, "Couldn't we use this as an opportunity to educate instead of a chance to put someone down?"

Who is "we?"  "We" suggests that you are identifying yourself as one belonging to a group of rude persons that ought to try being a tad "nicer."  If, indeed, you believe you need to do so, by all means carry on with it.  I, and most others here it seems, never asked to be included in your "we."  

The use of the "Royal We," as it were, is normally considered condescending and rude.

Answer 18

So, those who have been burned by adoption should suck it up and lie about their experiences?  Not for me.  Can't f**t rainbows.  Nope - just can't do it.

ETA:  I agree with what Phil said about the hypocrisy of people on YA! asking for respect.  The comment about incest was made by an adoptive mother to a 16 yo who was abused in foster care and asking a question about adoption on Y!A.  Oookkkaay.  Respectful?

Answer 19

Well can someone please sign me up for all the nicey nicey?

When people stop telling me to "get over it" in regards to my adoption and the loss of my son I will start being nicer.

Until then I will speak the truth as I know it.

Adoption rips apart families to build new ones. Anyone want to debate that point?

In order for there to be an adoption there first has to be a loss. The loss of an identity and the loss of a family. Any takers on debating that one?

Warm and fuzzy my a$$. I will use my time on yahoo as I see fit, to educate others from my own experiences. Ask a question, get an answer. Don't like the answer? Don't ask the question or read the response.

Answer 20

i'm not really interested in putting people down.

i'm interested in stopping adoption.

if pap's and ap's really knew what it was like to be an AWARE adoptee, they would never condone it.

at least, i should hope not.

Answer 21

No

Anyone who is serious about adopting a baby/child should not be on a Open, Aged from 13 years onward allowed, Question and Answer forum.

These people are about to change another human beings life do you really think that they should be getting ANY information from here ?

They should be getting the information from reliable sources, not faceless names (or ridiculous avatars in some cases) behind a computer screen that could be god only knows who !

YA is not exactly my first choice of education !

ETA

Um I think you may have got the wrong impression, I do not believe in adoption except for orphans, or abused children or in that sort of situation,

But as a form of birth control I do not condone adoption AT ALL

YA is a place where you will get people telling the truth (like me and other adoptees, and First Mums and some Adoptive Parents but then you will get Trolls and people who are living in Adoption Fog Land who have NFI what they are talking about .

Which Is why I answered NO

Answer 22

I haven't seen the postings you are describing, but keep in mind that people who post here are going to get answers from all sorts of people.  It is up to the question asker to realize there may be people who have their own agendas (don't we all) to push.  Personally, I find most adoption agencies to be bottom-feeding scum who mislead natural parents about the adoption and try to pressure low-income and teenager mothers to give up their babies by emphasizing the material goods the baby will have.  There is no guarantee that giving up your baby for adoption will lead to a better life for the child.  Adopted children are abused just like natural born children.  I personally would wonder why my mother didn't love me enought to keep me.  I would rather grow up poor around my own momma, than with kind strangers.  I realize there are children launquishing in foster care, but these kids aren't the sought after ones.  People first and foremost want a baby or very young toddler that can be molded and hopefully has minimal emotional scarring.  How about some love for the older child?  How about not waiting until you are 40 to try for your first baby because your career was so d**n important?  How about loving some of the cast off kids right in your own city?  There are many ways to have a loving, lasting relationship with a child.

Answer 23

Oh good grief, are you the Yahoo nanny?

I for one am not here to help PAPs looking for information on adopting. I am here only to speak my mind, my truth, and support the b******s. If what I say happens to prevent someone from adopting, well that is just gravy.

My agenda, other than speaking my mind, is to promote abortion and/or family preservation. I hate adoption with a passion. And I make no apology for it, not now, not ever.

Answer 24

Yes, I agree. It is a bit silly to practically curse someone out for asking a question about adoption. This is usually a place for them to go where they can get a opinion and feel for the adoption community. It's not going to help anyone out-especially the waiting children- to shut these people down for inquiring about the simplest of things. Thanks for posting this question. They already have a lot on thier shoulders and hyper sensitive parents and sometimes disgruntled adoptees can scare a person. I know it did me!

Answer 25

I do think this happens a lot and would hope that everyone could just remember that Educating someone NEW to the world of adoption would be much more effective if it was don't with a little polite respect.... It is possible to make a point without being rude about it..........

Answer 26

Nope I don't think so.  When someone comes on this website looking for a baby, its trolling for a child.  That is human trafficking period.  That is against the law.  You want a baby, go to an ethical adoption agency.  Period.  You don't come to Yahoo Answers looking for a natural mother.

Answer 27

Ok so I lurked on here for sometime, started answering questions and then was scared away and went back to lurking, much like I'll probably do after I answer this 1 question.  Because honestly I'm hooked on this site like a soap opera.  The nasty comments and those that try to counter them are entertaining most days.  But not if you're the person asking the innocent question that's for sure.  Poor saps.

I am an adult adoptee.  And some of you  people are just plain mean.  I sure hope you don't treat strangers in real life like you do on here.  If you do I imagine you don't have many friends.  Of course you'll blame that on adoption.

Should you use this site as a place to get information?  Isn't that what it's supposed to be about?  No not all of it, but it should be a good starting ground.  

There are many that feel the need to make remarks that are plain nasty.  No one with any common sense would listen to them.  So I have to wonder why you waste your time typing them?  You are preaching to no one.  Claim people tell you to get over it, so you're mad and going to be mean to someone else and hurt their feelings?  Nice way to live.  

This is a question to bash adoptees?  Hardly, unless you're looking for a reason to get your feelings hurt.  At least it's one question, not a constant slew of nasty responses day after day.  Life is not black and white.  It is not made up of people who were parented by biological parents and those who were not.  There's this whole gray area to life.  Most people live there.