Do you think we're being a little hard on first time adoptees looking for information?

Question

Over the weekend a 16 yo girl who was abused in foster care asked a question about if it was okay for her to hate adoption. She was reaching out for help. Very few people who responded to her showed any compassion at all. There were the usual comments from the clueless. Many adoptive parents used the question as an opportunity to pull out their adoption soap box to lecture her about how wonderful adoption is as it provides homes for children who need them (which it does BUT how does that help a confused 16 yo?). One answer suggested that she marry a relative because this 16 yo girl suggested in her question that she was not sure could love adopted and biological children equally. (YES that was an answer given to a 16 yo!!)

So why the war on adoptees who happen to wander to the adoption section? Why was this 16 yo who had enough guts to open up and admit that she was abused in foster care treated so badly here?

Answer 1

There are people who take extreme delight in belittling other people on this forum.

For the poor girl who was seeking information, I am sorry I was not on the forum this weekend.

Adoptions do not always work out to be rosy and sweet.

And foster care is sometimes all about the money to the people who take in the child but do nothing about nurturing the individual.

Yes adoption can be wonderful. But there are also sad stories about adopting that make my heart heavy.

It is OKAY for her to hate adoption, but it is also important that she realize that her circumstance wasn't one of adoption but of poor care in foster homes. And there is a bit of a difference between the two.

A foster home is never intended to be a permanent residence. That fact in mind makes the people who are caring for the foster child think in terms of 'how long' instead of what kind of care.

For a 16 year old, there are other options including the possibility of becoming an emancipated minor due to the poor care she has received at the hands of the foster care system.

Marrying a relative is just wrong under any circumstances!!

As for the issues of love and care for children whether birth or adoption brings them to the family, I have BOTH birth and adopted children and I love them as the individuals they are. I love them for who they are and whom they are becoming. I love each one of them with every fiber of my being just because of who they are as a person. And that love has NOTHING to do with how they became part of my family.

I am sorry that the 16 year old was further abused by those insensitive louts who use this forum as a bully pulpit for their personal grudges.

There are other people in the world and we do not all think nor act like those who were 'raised by wolves'.

Answer 2

Absolutely!  I've seen adoptees come here and bare their souls about how they feel only to be immediately shot down, told how to feel, that their adoptive parents are their only and real parents and that they should be grateful that someone 'took them in'

I've seen adoptees wanting to search for their families being put down and told to leave well enough alone, being told they should not feel that way - I could go on and on.   It seems people just don't see that

And the answers to the 16 year old asking an innocent enough question were just deplorable particularly from people who ought to know better.  I hope she's OK, poor thing.

I've seen people answer questions and then get a dig at adoptees when it was not at all relevant to the question and was unprovoked - just for the sake of having a dig.

Talk about bitter and mean.  Sometimes the people complaining of being attacked are the worst culprits for having a dig and nastiness

Answer 3

you can't really win on this forum.if you think you have posted something positive you get thumbs down anyway,it's like you have to say what people want you to say,instead of how you feel.that's what i think anyway.

Answer 4

there are bad and good adoption experiences. Just like all other children and all other experiences in life. Adoption is not a wonderful fairy tale expereince for all people. For some, it is a wonderful thing as they have a great family and are excpeted as just one of their own.. which is the point of adoption. Unfortunately, not all kids have that experience (adopted or not). Some end up in counselling for life, but than so do other kids. We all have our own set of problems that are unique to us, and it is pretty sad when we have to kick someone when they are down because we dont' like their problems.

Answer 5

this young lady should have been treated with respect, same as everyone should

ETA: I went back and read the q and all A's

I counted only three answers out of 45 that were "snarkier" than they needed to be.. alot were trying to show her the "other side" of adoption, but only 3 were what I would call "inappropriate"

Answer 6

I'm sorry this girl got some bad answers. I don't agree that all adoption is bad, because what about the abused nelgelcted kids out there in the world? I do agree that adoption isn't a cure all or for everyone. There is a need for some reforms. BUt this girl was looking at things from what she has experinced and so far the system that people push as oh so wonderful, has let this girl down.

Answer 7

I agree with the poster that said although there were a few inappopriate responses (like 3) the majority were supportive and/or tried to show that there is a better side to adoption than the one this girl unfortunately experienced.

I'm sure if I look back on the questions asked by PAPs looking for information, the ratio of inappropriate and mean responses vs the ones that were supportive and actually, you know, answered the question, would be entirely different.  

Adoption isn't all rainbows and ponies, sure.  But it's not always evil, secretive and shameful either.  I can respect that other people involved in adoption, either APs or adoptees, had a different experience than my family, friends and relatives.  But it's not going to convince me that adoption, as a whole, is an evil and shameful thing.

Answer 8

Yep, that was my suggestion and it always will be when someone suggests that they could never love a child that wasn't born to them....

It seems logical to me that if a person can't love a child that isn't born to them--then how could they love anyone that wasn't family?

I get very tired of this "Blood=Love" thinking and would tell the same thing to anyone who believes that the only way people can love a child is to give birth to the child...

That is to me the same as saying that two people cannot love each other unless they are related by blood....

I am sorry the poster had a bad experience but found that Question was NOT a question--but rather a STATMENT (or Rant if you will) suggesting that only child birth = love.... There was NO Question! Only a statemant that said, I hate adoption and can't imagine how someone could love a child they didn't give birth and that she was creeped out thinking about adoption.....

If it kreeps someone out to imagine loving a child that was not born to them then I would suggest that person doesn't adopt a child--or think about it and that it might creep the person out to love anyone who doesn't have their blood.... Same Difference!

Oh, and I will double check but--I don't believe the person posting that Question (Rant) was ACTUALLY an Adoptee....

ETA: Nope NOT an ADOPTEE but a kid living with Grandparents and before that was made clear this was what was posted in the "Question":

[quote]

Is it wrong to hate adoption?

Well I can't stand the idea of someone raising someone else's kid. I mean I know there are lots of kids out there without parents of their own and need someone to care for them and I understand that there are people who are very kind or just can't have kids of their own.

Just every time I hear someone say they want to adopt it just weirds me out. I dont think I could love a kid I adopted half as much as a kid I gave birth to.

So my question is this,

Is it wrong to hate adoption?

and

What are your guys' opinions about adoption?



Additional Details

Well I'm sure there are people who would love an adopted child just as much as one they had conceived themselves but thats just not how I would feel.

As an example, if you had one biological child and one adopted one and they were both drowning and you only had time to save one, which would you save?

Also, I don't really hate the idea of others adopting, I mean, I'm sure those people are really good people, I guess I'm just not as caring as I should be, but I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to love someones child as much as I would my own.

I live with my grandma, I'm not technically adopted, but for a while I lived in a foster home with two other girls and I was both physically and mentally abused by the foster parents. And I think that's were the roots of my disapproval for raising other peoples children sprang from. [/quote]

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 9

Sadly, I think most of us are too hard on everyone here.  And those first-timers that come - regardless of whether they are adoptee, bio parent or adoptive parent - are subjected to additional scrutiny because many people think that they are just stirring the pot, or trolling, or using another name to post, etc.  

It saddens me to see the "war" on anyone here.  Y!A is supposed to be a place for knowledge-based questions & answers.  I'll even agree that opinions are acceptable but it is not a place to debate what is right or wrong.  Unfortunately, I find myself getting caught up in that drama more than I would like.  

I think we just need to remember that we are all entitled to our own thoughts, opinions, and situations.  We should be able to answer honestly without attacking others.  People should not be afraid to come to this section.  There is so much to learn from everyone.

Answer 10

I have seen some rude comments from lots of ppl when it comes to answering questions for ppl...some don't always think about the emotional well being of the person on the other end asking the question...and don't consider the impact their may have on another person...not everyone throws the answers to the side saying...well it's only the internet..I find it harder not to tell some ppl off when they are being sarcastic to the young guys and girls who are confused looking for good advice...I wish more ppl would put more thought in the answers they give

Answer 11

People on this forum are hard on anyone....really...anyone is fair game.  No one is immune.  Recently someone came on using less than politically correct language honestly asking how to care for children in her family who were being taken from their parents.  Several of us  responded that we had also taken custody of neglected, related children.  We  honestly shared our experiences about taking in relatives and received multiple thumbs down.  Things like this make me really question people's motives here.

I think a lot of times it is easy to just get caught up in the Jerry Springer drama on here and people forget that there are real stories unfolding behind the cartoon faces.  I know I have been guilty of this and then feel really bad later.  This site can be very entertaining at times, but I've started to wonder, 'At whose expense?"

It is easy to dismiss bad behavior by a "it's just the internet" mentality.  But people wander in here with quite a bit of pain at times.  These people can be adoptees, PAPs, pregnant women etc....No one group has a monopoly on pain. Everyone deserves respect.

Answer 12

I saw the question and was just at a lost as to what to say. I felt bad for her. I was happy to see that someone had written a very well - worded response to her question. I have forgotten who it was.

I do know that I gave a "snarky" answer to a minor who was claiming to be looking for her "birthmother". I got chills when I saw it. Someone who knows me very well saw the question and thought it was someone pretending to be her. I immediately thought it was the one of the AP's. I will never know for sure, but I answered the question as though it were. I know it probably sounded weird, but the whole situation has been horrendous and stranger than fiction.

The fact that someone contacted me on it and thought something was up kind of confirmed it for me.

Answer 13

There is a war on this board period!  It is NOT just at adoptees...some poor woman asked a question about wanted to be adopt and was called a troll, accused of wanting to buy a baby the whole lot.

Some nice woman who was an adoptee posted a nice story about her adoption story and because it was positive adoption, it was deleted.

One nice woman who is a PAP and likes to ask questions and learn has been told she seeks approval and shouldn't adopt (GR I don't agree with that, I'm just pointing it out!).

I get EVERY question I post as a social worker deleted because I don't see adoption as a terrible, horrible thing in many situations....and I'm an evil person in the industry.  Every question I answer...thumb's down.

Some poor adoptee posted some really terrible experiences and was totally ATTACKED brutally, to the point that she was posting feelings of suicide....people still didn't get how awful they were being.

It is a war on ALL sides and every side has a group of people who feel that based on their personal experiences, they have a right to be mean and hateful..it is actually quite petty...but trust me...EVERYONE gets it!

Answer 14

I agree with you, grapes.  You'd think people would go a bit easier, knowing she's a minor.

Not only did she get snark (as an abused child!) but she had the usual comments about how she just can't see all the beauty in adoption blah, blah, blah.

I was really struck by that girl.  She was able to not just speak from her own experience, that foster care was abusive, but used measured, rational thinking to assess that there is a lot of pretending in adoptionland.  She figured out what many of us adopted people already know--that adoption is NOT the same as being raised in your own family.

She saw through the spin that many adults are not able (or are unwilling) to do.  I wonder if some PAPs and APs here will get a bright outspoken adoptee like this...

Answer 15

No moreso than others here.  

I do find this question rather odd after reading a recent attack by you on another question though.

Answer 16

i agree grapes...

and quite honestly, i am very heartsick about how many kids are treated in foster care. i also read some of the answers and they seemed to start with "that's your opinion."

i think where things got really funky, is when she asked about opinion of adoption.  that's when you had the typical banter of "adoption is live...abortion is murder"  "at least your mother chose life", "adoption is GREAT!!!", "that was YOUR experience.." et al...

i don't know.  i seems as if trolling paps get more respect than the people who actually experience adoption/foster care who don't have "butterfly and bunny" stories.