Does Smoke Get In Your Eyes? Honest critique requested.?

Question

Two souls intertwined, inflamed

Their hearts untamed

One breath away from pain..

Cavorting aimlessly along

Appear like smoke from

That decadent bong

Wafting aimlessly into the air

On smoke rings and fumes

Of neurotically sensual flumes

As having come from the

Smoke in that pipe

Soon fade out of sight

Lost in the night...........

Two souls hang on

Seek solace in words

In minds .. free as birds

a work in progress

it has no name

nor leans to shame

but driven by lust

it must

continue to grow

Answer 1

i like that! it was GREAT! did you write it yourself?

Answer 2

Ooh, me like.  Nice rhythm and easy to follow.  

Answer 3

really nice, really good use of descriptive wording, thats a talent... keep up the good work

Answer 4

I love how you turned something simple into something really complex and interesting. It conveys strong emotion, It's really good. :)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Could you tell me what you think of mine?  

Answer 5

reminds me of a modern hepped up version

of Bob Seger's "Night Moves"

"I used her, she used me

neither one cared

we were getting our share .....

Working on mystery's without any clues"

Answer 6

I lost my answer in an email... maybe someone will find it and give it to you.(smile)

Answer 7

Lovely, however, I have a hunch that you could 'v taken the description to higher levels. Your last stanza is my favorite, for its message is clear, and well done.