Does a child have the right to know that they were almost adopted?

Question

If a person was placed for adoption as an infant, but after he had been placed with the adoptive parents for months, the biological mother changed her mind regained custody, does he have the right to know?

I know it is very imortant to for a person to know that they were adopted, but is it their right to know that they were almost adopted, and were treated as someone elses child, and cared for by another family? Do you think it would be damaging to find this information out as an adult if your mother never told you?

(this is not my situation, just something that I'm curious about)

Answer 1

It is not something he will remember, and I think it would be too damaging to him to know.

Answer 2

I could go both ways i truly think it depends on the situation. My daughter never lived with me she lived with a really great foster family till she was about a month old then she was able to go with her adoptive parents. I would want her to know the woman who was with me at the hospital to check on her who let me know that no matter what i decided that she'll always be my little girl and who clamed my fears when she told me what great parents i choose for her. But in a case such as the one your describing i'm not sure if i would. That is not the life that child was exposed to for very long and i think it would just hurt and confuse them.

Answer 3

"right to know" is strong

some kids don't know their father is not their father

so i'd have to say no

BUT

it would be great that a parent confesses their conflict at an appropriate age with the child

just to let the child know that nobody is perfect and we do the best we can

Answer 4

The child MUST know this, as any child should be made aware they were separated at birth - preemie, kidnapped, adoptee, or almost-adoptee.

Being separated at birth is a trauma to the child and, if unresolved (that is, not acknowledged, validated, AND worked through), WILL create neuroses and other mental disorders stemming from PTSD - from mild to severe.

So, what is damaging is to have the information KEPT from the child.

Answer 5

no some things are better left unsaid

Answer 6

I am shocked that people are acknowledging it would be hurtful for a child to know that their mom ALMOST gave them up for adoption, yet some of these same people don't understand that it's also to hurtful to ACTUALLY be given up for adoption. How does this make any sense?

Anyway, as to the actual question... Yes, the child should be told, absolutely. People should know the stories of their lives--the WHOLE story. And as Julie said, there could be repercussions of the separation that might manifest later, that the child/person should be aware of.

Lies--even lies by omission--are never a good idea in a parent-child relationship. Never.

Answer 7

YES.  They absolutely have a right to know all of their story, not just the pieces that the adults think is good for them.

That information should of course be shared in a gentle way.

something along the lines of

I just couldn't bear to let you go...

I did what everyone told me would be best for you.....

Would you like to know more about the family I chose for you?

Answer 8

I think it depends on many things, I think truth is always the best thing because finding out by accident that you lived a lie is terrible.

You could tell them now and risk them being angry or abandoned but in the long run giving them the truth they will eventually forgive you and understand your circumstances.

You could keep it from them. This could reduce tension and anger in the short term. If they never find out then it would be the best but the down side is they may remember it deep down (which is possible I did) and something might trigger them to find out themselves or they may find out by accident. If they find out this way, they may completely lose their trust in you, no matter how much they forgive you, it would always be difficult to trust you again.

Answer 9

I think it would be VERY damaging, and I don't think it is necessary for that person to know.

Answer 10

Of course the child should know!!!  

Lies are terrible, even lies of omission.  Imagine if that child grows up and finds out by some other means that they were given up for a period of time.  The trust in that childs parents would just go down the drain.  

Adoption, separation, anything, even for a short time can be very damaging as Julie has discussed.  So it is important for the child to know.  

Talking about difficult things can also be a great way to bond, instead of harming the parent/child relationship, I believe it would make it stronger.  It would be a way for the parents to show their child that they loved them too much to give them away, and also show them that the child is trusted by discussing it with them.

Answer 11

There is no point in telling the child unless the child will hear it from some ignoramus relative.

Answer 12

i think if anything, it would show that the mom cared more about the child that she decided against adoption. idk, thats my guess.

Answer 13

I think that being truthful and honest may help avoid distrust or anger down the road.  Understanding why and using the experience as an opportunity to learn & grow can turn something that may have been negative to something very positive.  Usually parents do not put their children up for adoption because they don't love them, but because they do love them and think someone else can provide a better life for them.  Maybe something similar happened here?

Answer 14

I know someone that was abandoned by their mom. She knew from a young age. It was never a secret. It is still very damaging to her. I think it would be very damaging to just find out one day. If the child doesn't remember anything about it there would be absolutely no reason to bring up something that would definitely hurt them.

Answer 15

most certainly not,not unless you want to ruin the relationship between child and parent,you will crush that child if you tell him

Answer 16

you know wat? I wouldnt recommend telling this child at all. It could cause alot of problems later on for that person and the biological mother. And that of the parents who were about to take on this child. Sometimes the fairy is true wat she/he dont know wont hurt.

Answer 17

If a child were told - they would have to feel MORE loved - they were kept.

That's a wonderful thing.

They were kept.

It's the child's history.

The more that truth is upheld in parent/child relationships - the stronger the relationship will be.

Answer 18

I think everyone has the right to the truth of their own lives

Answer 19

I considered relinquishment of my oldest child.  At one point I was bent on it.  I contacted agencies, settled on one, they began lining up families blah blah blah.  In the end I didn't follow through and I never went as far as to place her with a family for even a short time.  However, I would never never never never never share that with my daughter!  I'm her mother, I dedicated my life to her in the end and I would fear she would feel that I am not as committed to her, or otherwise damage her, to know that.  She will never know.

Answer 20

yes

Answer 21

No.

Answer 22

i am an adoptee and yes it would be very upsetting to me if i was away from mom and then suddenly brught back. i think it should be right that you should tell them everything and why. its just so there are no skeltons in the closet you never know what a person would do if they found out and we're holding this against you to tell your child. i would want to know.

Answer 23

In the OP's scenario, where the child was actually in the custody of another family for a number of months, I think the child deserves to know. It is his/her history.

However, if an expectant mother "makes an adoption plan," but decides to parent before the child is ever with another family, then I think that would be the mother's decision whether or not to share that info since the decision didn't directly affect the child and his/her life. (I think that would be similar to Peace Yo's situation).

Answer 24

NO!

Answer 25

If my son was given back to his natural mother, there would come a day that I would look for him to see if he turned out ok. Probably after he turned 18. My son is only 6 months old but the bond we have developed over these months would never die. I would always want to know how he is doing.

Answer 26

yes they have the right to know.......i know i would be hating my parents if they didn't tell me