Does any other adoptive parent ever feel this?

Question

Do you ever feel like people just automatically assume that because you don't allow your children contact with their bio families that you are in the wrong?

Sometimes it just pisses me off when people tell me that I should "just be the bigger person" and allow contact. Especially when they don't know the history or why I have chosen to discontinue contact.

Answer 1

I am 24 and I live with my best friend (Nia, she is 13). Her parents passed 2 years ago (since then we live together with Nia). The father was drug addicted and the mother was a "hot dancer". The child - Nia - is a responsible, sensible, mature girl and she is all opposite of her parents. While they were alive, she always came to my house to stay with me, and her excuse was "They are having s*x again and want me to take part" or "I don't like drugs and they offer me to try" or "The other man was touching me". Here is how their parental rights were taken away just a few months before they passed.

I'd say DoN't LiStEn To IgNoRaNt PeOpLe who have nothing else to do except judging others. If you feel the child doesn't have to be in contact with his/her parents, just follow your decision.

Answer 2

You poor thing. I am so sorry that you are going through this nightmare. It's one of many reasons I adopted internationally. You are the parent and are doing what is best for your children. Don't stop what you are doing. If they are going to be

cruel and rude, tell them to mind their own business. Start screening your phone calls too. Even better, record them to take to an attorney/judge/social worker. It's not only harassment but stalking. Best wishes.

I never felt this way until I joined Yahoo answers, came to the adoption forum and got trashed for being an adoptive parent by the anti-adoption group, who now deny this, but forgot that their old q&a's are still in here. What hypocrisy! Let their thumbs down begin...

I'm with you Taraloha.

Answer 3

Wow, I thought I would click on the subject, never been there but, did think of abdopting before.  

No, your not wrong, I wouldn't allow it if I were you. Their biological parents shouldn't have a right to talk to their child. I think your doing the right thing. It's not fair for the child to think that their mom or dad loves them when, they really don't or didn't otherwise, you wouldn't have him/her.

Your not wrong at all. When he/she hits 18, that will be her or his choice if he or she wants to communicate with his or her biological parents.

Answer 4

I was adopted and my mother didn't let me have contact with my biological parents and look what happened to me. I bought a raincoat.....and it unbuttons in the front.Well it does.

Answer 5

In your case you are doing exactly what is best for your children. When a natural parent is truly not up to the challenge of parenting and has put the kids in harms way or acted in an abusive manner to the adoptive family then NO it is not a good choice to allow contact simply because she gave life to the children. However in most cases, where the natural family is sane and rational showing genuine concern and love for the child, then yes contact is best for all involved.

Not everyone thinks that adoption should include the natural family at all costs. Every situation is unique.

Answer 6

Don't let ignorant people who don't know what the heck they're talking about get you down or upset.  You did a great thing adopting.  Not enough children are adopted.  Since you are now legally responsible for the child you have every right to discontinue contact if it is good for the child, and to start building YOUR family relationships.  Once the child is old enough give them the opportunity to contact them if he/she so chooses, but at this point, I don't see anything wrong with it.  Do what is right for the child and given your situation.  Good luck, and again, don't let the foolishness bother you.

Answer 7

While the childern are young you may have this right especially if you feel they would be in danger. I would ask you this, when they become of legal age to start looking, which in most states is 18, will you prevent them? It may p**s you off that we adoptee's are so judgemental but understand where we are coming from. it is only natural for us to wonder who are parents are, the circumstances of the adoption. it helps in the emtional journey we go thru. so on the other side it pisses us off to come across some one like u who would not let their childern know about their bio-family. to us it's the ultimate betrayal, so that is why we lash out. i hope that when your childern get of legal age and they wish to search for their birth mother that you will be supportive. that is all we are asking is honesty!!!

-----i wrote the above out of anger. i need to re-pharse some things. I would hope you will tell your childern the truth about their adoption. when i said the above i got on the defensive because i thought you were trying to purposely be dis-honest with your kids so they wouldn't know they were adopted. i just re-read your question. my birth mother was a drug addict among other things, and my adoptive parents were very truthful in explaining the situation. so i will say this...please please please be open and honest with your childern about their adoption. When they come of legal age to want to search for their biological family, be there for them. let them when they come of age make that mature decsion wether or not to pursue a realtionship with their mother.

Answer 8

What they mean is honesty. As an adoptee I wouldn't mind what my parents were like, I just wanted to know who they were and their story so I knew the circumstance for myself, rather than feeling like the answers were being hidden. For instance I found out by accident in a letter that I had been abused and I was more angry that my parents had hidden this from me than the actual abuse. I don't encourage your child to meet their birth parents and family but do tell them about them, because they will value your honesty. By hiding the truth from me I lost a lot of trust in my parents, because I still am very suspicious that they are hiding things from me.

You don't have to have contact either, just be honest with your child. I would tell them the full story when they are about 14-15

Answer 9

I think that children from the foster system have their own, definite set of needs. And as their parent, your first and most important job is to keep them safe.  None of us can second-guess how you do it.

As Andraya said, every situation is unique. Many kids may benefit from open adoption.  If there were a way to keep them in contact that could integrate their former and new lives in a positive way, I'm sure you'd do it.  But your only obligations are to those kids, and your conscience.

Answer 10

Well, we've adopted our grandchildren from the Foster Care System and these kids come with baggage and sometimes having to make hard decisions for the benefit of the kids is where you have to follow common sense and your heart for what's best for the kids.  Their mom and dad come with problems.  We permit the dad's grandmother and great grandmother to visit and allow the kids to visit them.  The dad has to have visits with the kids at their house.  My daughter has of her own free will cut them out of her life...eventually it will bite her in the butt.  But, I personally feel with her problems and her current lover's problems the kids are much better off.  But, if she were to want visits it would not be at my house it would be at the kid's therapist's office to avoid any drama or untruths.  Anyhow, I hope this helps knowing someone else's situation and their handling of the situation.

People who give you advice on being the "bigger person" haven't a clue in the world in regards to what kind of environment the kids were in and what occured in the first place to land these kids in Foster Care.  Obviously, the parents did not care enough to comply with Social Services and the Courts rules to get their kids back in the first place.  First of all, it takes a lot of patience to get these kinds of kids on track.  My kids have attachment disorder behaviors and adding a lot of constant drama to the mix is not good for them.  Secondly, if the history you speak of has constantly kept you upset then that is not good for the kids either...kids know and act up when you're upset.  Believe me when I tell you I speak from the voice of experience.

Answer 11

I only feel that way when I read the questions and answers on this board. Thank you for being braver than I am and asking this question!  :)  My son was also adopted from the foster system. No biological grandparents or even the biological father were involved in his life. I asked my son's social worker to take pictures of his birth mother so I would have them to show to my son when he becomes curious about her, but no request was ever made for any kind of contact -- photos or otherwise -- from her. In fact, after her rights were terminated, my son's social worker requested one additional visit between birth mother and son, which I consented to. My son's birth mother never even showed up! Not EVERY birth parent is interested in maintaining contact with his or her biological children.

BTW, to say 'natural' family implies that adoptive families are 'unnatural.' I know Sunny and all the other anti-adoption crackpots will snarl at that, but adoption is *not* unnatural. Adoption occurs all over the animal kingdom, both inter- and intraspecies. It is just a different way to build a family. That does not make adoption unnatural, no matter what the crackpots might want to brainwash others into believing.

Answer 12

my nieces were adopted and i would love nothing more than to talk to them. however, im not allowed to because of the circumstances. i think you made the right choice. it's about the children...your children. i dont believe blood relation means that the bio family is "special". you raise them, love them and care for them, who cares what other people say. why should you tell people your children are adopted? only the people who are close to you need to know. i plan on adopting one day and if what your going through happens to me then i would do the same thing. you tried your best, that's all you can say. the children will understand someday.

Answer 13

I feel your pain.  People constantly judge us about things and it gets very frustrating.

We have a bit of a different situation.  My son's bio grandparents are very involved in his life and we have chosen to do this because of the incredible influence they have had in his life.  Our son was actually removed from his bio parents and placed with his bio grandparents, so they had custody of him for 6 months before the adoption - which they totally supported.  But it is still very uncomfortable us when we visit their home because their son (our son's bio-father) is still in their life and there are pictures and aunts, uncles, etc.  We chose to only keep the grandparents in our son's life because of the close bond that only they had with him from birth.  People think we are horrible for not including the extended family (who wanted nothing to do with this child until he was placed for adoption).  But as his Parents, we must make the decisions that we feel is best for our son.  His bio-grandparents respect that and we rarely speak of the bio-parents at all (only when it is important things - like medical or the fact that the bio-father had another child - things that will be of interest or concern to our son in the future).  

There are so many situations out there where a child should NOT have contact with the bio-parent and some people just do not understand that.  I'm not saying that is the case for every adoption, but there are some cases of abuse or neglect that need to be stopped.  Not all children are placed for adoption because the bio parent "chose" to make a loving adoption plan for the child.  I applaud the bio-parents who have done that and wish that my son had a beautiful story such as that for when he gets older.  The reality is that our son has a very unhappy story about his bio parents and outsiders just do not understand that.  

So yes, I do feel like you - on many occasions.  People should not judge others regardless of their own personal thoughts, especially if they do not know the full story.

Answer 14

WOW. . . well i am an adoption child (open aoption) and although it's hard for me to want to know my real mom , I know my MOM (aoption mom) Loves me and she wouldn'y have taken me in and kept me if she didnt love me .

It's very hard for isn't it . i know it's hard for both my moms to have to share me but i think more the love more the hapiness.

And alot of people that don't know the backround to my adoption ay  "oh  your moms a ***** she shoold let you tlk/see your real mom. . . she's not even your mom"

i say "yes she is my real mom . . . a MOM is a peron who woold go out of their way to help their children no matter if they are not genetically related to you. . .  and my MOM does let me have contact with my genetic mother because she actually knows my genetic mother"

It'll work out . . . my mom just ignors it.

Answer 15

you do what you have to to keep YOUR CHILDREN save and secure no matter what the cost just always remember that and best wishes

Answer 16

I don't think I've ever read an answer here where someone supports adoptive parents having kids keep in contact with addicts who are dangerous.  If the grandparents won't abide by your rules--they're toast, what's so mystifying about that?

If someone actually says the business about being the 'bigger person', just remind them that they don't know the whole story, and it's more complicated than they can imagine.  And then walk away.  You need to grow some thicker skin.  This is nothing compared to the stuff your kids have to deal with.  Try to let it roll away...

I wish the adoptive parents of foster children didn't jump to conclusions and assume that when many of us here speak of adoption, we're talking about infant adoption.  They are apples & oranges, IMHO.

I wish you luck with your family.

Answer 17

The term is NATURAL family.  

And unfortunately, I have come across many adoptive parents who lie to the natural mother, tell her that open adoption will happen, only to take HER baby and slam the door in her face.  Maybe if you explained the circumstances.....

And many adoptive parents only seek to cut off natural families due to their own best interests.  Having the child's natural grandparents involved often times only throws in their face that the child is not really theirs.  This may not be the case with you, but this is often the hard truth about the vast majority of adoptive parents who choose to cut off contact.  Was this child adopted from the foster system?  Were the parents on drugs?  Grandparents abusive?  Ok, then I can see such a case, but at the same token, even allowing the natural family a photo or the occasional letter really does put things at ease (obtain a PO box if you must).