Does anybody have a really funny, 13 year old appropriate, one minute long, female spoken monologue?

Question

I'm auditioning for a play. I need really specific names of monologues too. They must be comedic, clean, and spoken from a female. Thanks

Answer 1

type up ur own i just did one!

Answer 2

A Tour Of The Church

Elizabeth: Okay, everybody. This ... is church. This is God's house. If you ever want to talk to Him, you just come in here and sit in one of those long chairs and start talking. But not too loud. Or else you might wake up one of those statues.

And they are praying to Jesus. (Bows head) Oh! I forgot to tell you. Whenever you hear the name Jesus (Bows head) you have to bow your head or else you have a sin on your soul. Now, over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) mother. Her name is the Blessed Virgin Mary. She is not as important as Jesus (bows head) so you don't have to bow your head when you hear her name. Over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) father. Hey, (points at small child) you didn't bow your head. Don't do that cause you'll get a black spot on your soul and you go straight to h**l.

Now, in h**l it is really hot and you sweat a lot. And these little devils come and they bite you all over the place. But if you're really good, you get to go to heaven. Now, in heaven they have this big refrigerator full of lots of stuff to eat! Like ice cream, and chocolate and donuts and it never runs out. But the best part about heaven would have to be that you can talk to anybody you want to. Let's just say that I wanted to talk to... (thinks real hard) Cleopatra! Well, then I would go up to one of the Saints and I would get a permission slip and I would fill it out. Then I would hand it to Jesus (bows head). Hey! (Looks at small child again) You didn't bow your head! Okay, I warned you. And then, I would fly across heaven, cause when you get in they give you wings, and I would have a nice chat with Cleopatra.  I just hope everyone I like get accepted into heaven, or else I won't ever see them again.

One more thing, if you ever ask Jesus (bows head) a question and he answers you, make sure you write down the answer really quick, so you don't mess it up. Because, if you mess up an answer from Him, it could get you in real trouble.

--------------------------------------...

‘Dentity Crisis

By Christopher Durang

Jane: Well a few days ago I woke up and I heard this voice saying "It wasn't enough" I didn't recognize the voice. Not at first. But then it started to come back to me.

When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of Peter Pan. And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening.

For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.

You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that Peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says, "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die."

So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing Peter Pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street.

I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience.

--------------------------

Alice in wonderland.

ALICE:

[Angrily]  Why, how impolite of him. I asked him a civil question, and he pretended not to hear me. That's not at all nice. [Calling after him] I say, Mr. White Rabbit, where are you going? Hmmm. He won't answer me. And I do so want to know what he is late for. I wonder if I might follow him. Why not? There's no rule that I mayn't go where I please. I--I will follow him. Wait for me, Mr. White Rabbit. I'm coming, too! [Falling] How curious. I never realized that rabbit holes were so dark . . . and so long . . . and so empty. I believe I have been falling for five minutes, and I still can't see the bottom! Hmph! After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs. How brave they'll all think me at home. Why, I wouldn't say anything about it even if I fell off the top of the house! I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time. I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. I wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! How funny that would be. Oh, I think I see the bottom. Yes, I'm sure I see the bottom. I shall hit the bottom, hit it very hard, and oh, how it will hurt!

those are just a few that i can come up with off the top of my head! hope i could help!!